I think my marriage might be over...

[Idontknowmyselfanymore]

I'm not sure how I feel to be honest as I'm going through so many emotions.
In brief we had a child nearly 3 years ago and I almost died after the birth. My husband was incredibly supportive and although scared, immediately stepped up as a new dad and was just brilliant in keeping everything together during what was a really awful time for us as a family.

I survived, but I use that word a lot. I still struggle with PTSD and had a lot of counselling in the early stages and thought I was OK to stop. Maybe I wasn't. But then covid, and return to work, and just generally juggling life, being a mum, health, family etc.... I prioritised just getting on with it all.

I feel like my marriage has become a friendship of sorts, and occasionally a strained one. He's a brilliant dad, no question. But I don't feel like he's the best husband anymore and I'm certainly not the best wife. There's no intimacy, in part I know that's on me and how I feel about the changes to my body, scars and other things that came as a result of my illness after the birth of our child, and partly him not wanting to put any pressure on me, but it's just become this 'thing' that is never spoken about, and I'm almost OK with that, although I know that's far from normal!

There's also the fact that we've never had a night alone since our child was born. We only have his family to help us out and while they're great, they've never offered an overnight (and no, we've never asked - petty I know).

I just feel like we're at each others throats a lot of the time, usually over silly things but I'm a talker, and he's not really. I think its more of a problem now than it ever has been previously because of what I'm going through and my need to talk. He'll listen, but it's like he doesn't know what to say, and I need more from a conversation.

I'm really sad. I don't want to make any big decisions about our relationship given that I'm so all over the place emotionally. I go from being fine and getting on with things, to feeling like there's no point being here anymore as we're getting nothing out of life and everyone in my life that I love would be better off without me.

It's so very tough and I don't know what to do with all these feelings. It's exhausting. Can anyone relate?

Would couple therapy be an option?

Yes, don’t give up on each other. There definitely sounds like you two have something. Give it more time and do keep talking. Impress upon him how important it is to talk. 💐

Didn't want to read and run as I'm going to bed.
I will say that you need time together by getting some childcare and getting time out to talk. And even make more happy memories. Touch back to base.

I second couples therapy - if you find a good one they can help you reconcile your different communications styles and see each other’s point of view. From what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like there’s anything that can’t be fixed there, if you want to.

I agree with PP's, this sounds salvageable to me. The only thing I will say is that you both have to want it and be prepared to change and compromise and if either of you aren't on board with that it won't work. How would you feel about couples counselling and would he be open to it do you think?

I agree it sounds like the problems are created by unfortunate and sad circumstance, but there is something that can be saved with some help, and probably should be. You've been through something traumatic, followed by a whole societal trauma, and never really had an 'ordinary' context in which to recover.

It doesn't sound as though there is any resentment or contempt here, which are the real killers of relationships - as you say, you have a lot of feelings you don't know what to do with, and that's something therapy can help with

I think you actually should ask family members to have your DC for one overnight so you can have an uninterrupted chat.
It may be that just getting everything out in the open will be a relief to both of you.
Clearing the air can make a world of difference. You could then suggest therapy - or if you are both 100% honest about how you're feeling you might decide yourselves that you can already see what changes would help.
Be proactive love. You don't deserve to be so sad.

You need help. I certainly wouldn't throw in the towel on this marriage or man. It sounds like you're both hurting a lot. Go back to therapy.

When you were diagnosed with PTSD did you also discuss PND? I think it might be worth discussing with your GP. I was diagnosed with PND well over a year after DD was born.

I think the overnight care is a bit of a red herring. You feelings or barriers to intimacy won't resolve if your child is elsewhere. That's not to say don't ask them! Just don't imagine that will necessarily change your feelings - or you might end up feeling under greater pressure.

Couples therapy would definitely be worth pursuing but you both need to be on board.

Thanks @Notonthestairs
I remember my health visitor stating that she wasn't worried about PND as she was of the belief I was struggling with PTSD at the time but I do think PND started later for me, while I was still having sessions with the postnatal psychologist.

I don't recall us ever specifying that's what it was, but we were both aware I was dealing with a LOT and it was pretty obvious to me anyway that PND was part of it.

How long after a birth can you still struggle with PND though?

And I think you're right about the overnight, it's just something that bothers me I suppose and I'm throwing every annoyance into the mix at the minute!

Thank you @Weatherwax13 - your words that I don't deserve to be so sad made me cry, it's been a long time since anyone empathised with me like that and i appreciate it.
i dont believe i deserve to be so sad either, but believing it and feeling it are two very different things. Everything we've gone through as a couple, and everything I've gone through physically and mentally have given us our beautiful child, so it feels massively conflicting to be so destroyed by events that delivered the best little thing that ever happened to us 🤯

Thanks @Echobelly
And thank you to everyone who has taken time to reply.
I think I expected everyone to be in agreement that it was over and hopeless, so it's really really helped to read that there's hope and I maybe just need to take a step back, breathe and work on it with some help. Thank you

I was in a similar situation. Couples therapy helped us. We are still together and happy, ten years later.

How long after a birth can you still struggle with PND though?

I wasn't diagnosed until my ed was 18 months or so old & my ds was about 4 months. Up to that point I wasn't coping at home but every time I was the midwife or my gp I was very upbeat. Even did the pnd questionnaire and always came back ok. It wasn't until I got frustrated with my ed not having her nap & I threw her onto her bed that I realised something wasn't right. I saw my gp & just cried. She was wonderful. My mum sadly less so & said it's what all mums have & you just get through it🙄

Glad you have had such suck kind words from others already. You absolutely deserve them!
Just wanted to check if you have had bloods done recently, as there are a few things that could be not helping if they are a bit off.
Thyroid, Vitamin D, Foliate, ferritin (iron store).
My thyroids been ok, but since having kids my vut d has been nearly non existent 4 times, foliate 3, and I struggle to keep my ferritin high enough.

Each of them contribute to me feeling pretty rubbish and make my concentration and anxiety worse, and my mood a bit low.

I'm also about 2 thirds of the way through EMDR for PTSD and its been pretty life changing. Have had different versions of CBT before, but this has improved so much more.
Good luck!

A good therapist will get you talking properly together.

I think you both need to hear how each other are really feeling and what you want

You have been through an incredibly sad extended time

OP, I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time.

It sounds as though there is so much love in your marriage, you've just accidentally got into patterns that are hard to break.

Could you show him this thread?

Good luck XXX