Husband has no apologies for using online sex webcam

[girlfromtheloch]

I returned home from a weekend away with my children a few days ago. On the night I returned sat down with my husband he was showing me something on his phone, flicked through a few pages and I saw on ‘recent searches’ a website ‘adult work.com/search’. I had never heard of this until looking it up afterwards and asking on here but it is an online escort service and webcam service.
I confronted him about it. First he denied it, then he refused to open the site on his phone as obviously I would have seen his search history. He denies ever having ‘cheated’ on me but it depends what you define as cheating I think…..
I can’t get past the fact that he’s probably paid for some online service, or possibly worse I’ll never actually know.

He is trying to act normally with me but I feel so upset. He’s basically told me to stop being so ridiculous, he hasn’t done anything wrong and if he wants to pay for porn or anything online then he will. For me this is the thing that has upset me the most, a total disregard for how I feel.
Is it actually unreasonable to feel upset by this?

We’ve got holidays planned the next few weeks with the family and I feel like I don’t want to go anywhere with him now.

He’s basically told me to stop being so ridiculous, he hasn’t done anything wrong and if he wants to pay for porn or anything online then he will.

He sounds horrible OP.

And you aren't unreasonable to be upset about this.

Everyone has their dealbreakers and like you, this would be one for me.

And the fact he is unapologetic and cocky when faced with something you tell him is upsetting and hurtful.

Sorry

Of course youre not being unreasonable. Id get an STD test, just cause he says he's not cheated doesn't make it true.

Oh gosh. There's enough access to online porn without needing to pay for a personal webcam service. I think that might be a dealbreaker for me. And I'm not overly upset by porn use

So he would be OK with you getting in contact with a guy online to have interactive cyber sex with? I very much doubt it. That's how I see it anyway, never mind the paying for it which is even worse! To me its cheating. I have been through this situation, so I understand how hurt, shocked and shit you feel, sorry OP

If he hasn't done anything wrong, then why did he do it in secret, and deny it when confronted? He is trying to gaslight his way out of this, and you will now be left not believing a word he says. If he's paying for virtual sex, I would also be wondering if he's using actual sex workers too. Sorry OP, he's a horrible twat.

I think you need to think that he may have gone further than just cam girls. Adultworks isnt just online porn - its a prostitute hook up site.

Im sure some men just look through the pictures though as its pretty explicit and some of the girls include reviews other saddo men have left which im sure some sad fucks get off on.

I would look to see on the weekend you were away whether he made any bank transfers / money out of the cashpoint. They are pretty cheap though. Gross. Also check his sat nav to see if there are any odd places in the recent history.

Sorry to say though my husband had them in our house so he may not have even gone anywhere. But the money transfers are a pretty clear indication. Mine had set up a special monzo account just for this.

You are absolutely not over reacting and don't let him make you think that you are.
My exh is an ex because of this (and other reasons- finding his adult works account was the final tipping point.
He always claimed he never met anyone and I choose to belive him because I don't want to know anything else. However even if he hadn't I think it was only a matter of time. He was looking for something more "exciting'.

Some people don't see this as cheating if it's online and he hasn't met anyone in person that's entirely up to them. If you are not comfortable with it then he should not be telling you what your boundaries are.

Thank you for your advice. For me this is as you mention a dealbreaker but being completely minimised by my husband, so that I become the one in the wrong for ‘trying’ to make him feel guilty. There’s been a few other incidents over the last six months that have raised some red flags for me too so it’s not just this.
What’s most upsetting is that just the weekend before we had a romantic weekend away together, then literally a week later he’s probably paying for online sex.
if I leave, everything is based on my gut instinct that there’s more going on than I have evidence for though, it’s difficult breaking the family apart based on this.

You need support to make sense of your feelings, OP.

I don't think you are wrong at all, but it sounds like your husband has done a good job of making you second-guess yourself.

You'll probably find there are other areas where he gaslights you.

It’s him breaking the family apart, not you.

As said, adult work isn't just online sex. It's where prostitutes advertise for clients.

This is not just your gut instinct- you have evidence he is using porn which crosses your boundaries and makes you uncomfortable. That's enough.
Gut instincts are rarely wrong though.

on a lot of porn sites the ‘adultwork’ opens up in a separate tab when you open any regular porn video. So he would have closed the porn tab when he was ‘finished’ and not necessarily have been aware of this tab or that he’s even searched for it, it’s automatic.
How he’s reacting to it though is not on, you deserve respect & are right to be upset.

Stop with the 'breaking the family apart.'

XH and I are X for this very reason. He performed on webcams. He engaged with others sexually. Deal breaker for me. Unlike your man though, XH was very remorseful.

My brother still can't understand why we split up, as XH "didn't actually do anything". He does agree though that he'd be uncomfortable with his wife wanking online for a stranger and for her to be directed and paid by them.

I wish you luck on your journey, as this sounds like it's a deal breaker for you too.

If H has engaged 1 to 1 with another woman for sexual gratification behind your back then that is cheating. A camera is just a window and does not relegate the activity to just porn. Web cam is real time real life interaction with another person. Imagine you masturbated at the lounge window for the benefit of your nextdoor neighbour, getting himself off, would H be cool with that?

You don’t need to go on holiday with him or even stay married to him. It’s your choice.

As for watching porn or paying for online services. It’s up to him how he chooses to spend his time. But it’s up to you if you want to put up with it.

Visiting these webcam streaming sites has become so normalized these days. I think you should take your husband to therapy if this behavior has become an addiction.