Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friendship advice

18 replies

Milou89 · 27/07/2022 23:04

I am working at the same place as this woman for the last 2 years. She's very fun and social but very independant and a bit of a lone wolf at the same time. Sport his her religion so her life turns around it. She does not want a relationship, not many friends. Last march, I told her that I wanted to do more exercices in my life. So she asked me if I want to take a membership at the same local gym with her. Since then, we go on a regular basis to the gym together. Sometines she's the one who's asking me, other times, its me. This friendship really had a positive impact on my life. She inspired me to take more care of myself. I think we have great connection in general. Now, we are both in summer vacation and I didnt ear from her for the past 2 weeks. Yesterday, I proposed to go to the gym and she said yes. She was very closed, I was struggling to talk to her. It was almost like she was trying to start an argument for no reasons. I asked if something was wrong wich she replied "I don 't understand why you still invite me, what you want from me". So I told her all the benefits who came from her friendship. She said Ok and we had normal conversation but still, I was feeling her distant. She said ''see you soon " at the end of the day. What sould I do about that ? I don 't want to loose her, I'm not the kind of person who throws away people who comes into my life. And she truly bring something into my life, something I do not have with my other friends. Maybe leave it there and see what happened when we are back to work ? Writting à letter ? I know she had a tough childhood, do you think she is testing my affection for her?

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 28/07/2022 00:58

is she maybe expecting something more from the friendship, maybe something romantic?
She could be feeling a little let down by only going to the gym and perhaps wants to do other things, you say you didn’t hear from her during her holiday, but did you try to contact her?
Id text her and ask if she wants to hang out some time, maybe get dinner or a drink and see how it goes. If she says no then suggest the gym and then ask her what’s made her feel that way.

EmmaH2022 · 28/07/2022 01:00

I am wondering the opposite of pp

perhaps she feels the friendship has become too much.

Mimi198 · 28/07/2022 02:37

Yes I contacted her a few times since the begining of the summer. Everything was fine. I know she do not really socialise outside of job or the gym (Her words ). She needs her space and I always respect that. But she's the one who suggest that we have a membership at the same place, not me. Thats why I dont understand her behavior of yesterday...Almost like she was testing me. I was wondering if writting a letter To her, explaining why I care for her, was Ok or a bit too much? Oh and last month, we met à guy she knows and she introduce me as her friend...

Butterfly44 · 28/07/2022 04:16

Letter is too much and will be the end of any friendship. Just let her be. If she wants to contact you and hang out she will. Don't force it. Re her distance - you take it too personal. Maybe something is going on in her life she doesn't want to talk about.

Watchkeys · 28/07/2022 06:43

I wouldn't spend any time psychoanalysing her. The friendship has been something you've seen as an emotional connection, and she's seen as showing you how to use the gym and workout.

Havesomeselfrespect · 28/07/2022 07:06

You sound quite intense. I would find that off putting from someone I work with. It sounds like you are trying to pursue a romantic relationship with her.

djdkdkddkek · 28/07/2022 07:08

I mean, if she won’t explain what the issue is and has asked you “what you want from her” I’d slack it off

defo she sounds cool and a great influence but that is way too much stroppiness for a gym friend

djdkdkddkek · 28/07/2022 07:09

Havesomeselfrespect · 28/07/2022 07:06

You sound quite intense. I would find that off putting from someone I work with. It sounds like you are trying to pursue a romantic relationship with her.

sorry maybe I’ve just read this thing a completely different way

but I thought they just went to the gym and the other person was distant and asked what tbe OP wanted from her? That’s a lot tbh. You’re just gym mates not soul sisters , friggin hell

gamerchick · 28/07/2022 07:17

Man, you need to knock it off before you get slapped OP. She doesn't want an intense friendship. She didn't just suggest the gym out of the blue, you led on that. Maybe leave her alone for a bit.

oopsfellover · 28/07/2022 07:30

I think you might be discovering why she doesn’t have many friends.
I’d back off a bit and let her be. Go to the gym together or separately, whichever comes naturally at a given time.
Absolutely definitely don’t write her a letter or try to explain your feelings to her.

hellmannsnotheinz · 28/07/2022 07:30

Sounds to me like it's possible you misunderstood and she did not expect to go with you every time?

If she's the type who needs her space maybe she just wants to go on her own

SunshineAndFizz · 28/07/2022 07:52

Sorry but it sounds like she's just not as bothered about friendships.

Probably a bit of a lone wolf and likely nothing personal against you. Keep it light and maybe wait until she next contacts you. If she doesn't, time to move on.

CrystalCoco · 28/07/2022 08:16

I don't think she's testing you (as you put it) I think she's the lone wolf you described.

As a gym bunny myself, this is 'my time' - I'd hate if someone encroached on this and thought just because I suggested my gym for membership that suddenly meant we were going to be hanging out there the whole time (although I would never suggest my gym for this very reason) I understand if it's confusing that you've had 'gym dates' with her in the past, but maybe after a short time of doing that she realised she'd prefer to just be left alone at the gym.

Please don't write her a letter to explain anything, least of all 'how much you care for her' - you're sounding a bit 'single white female' with this idea.

Give her space, if she wants to maintain a friendship then she'll be in touch, if she doesn't - that's life.

Btw how do you think she should have introduced you to her friend? I'm guessing you think work colleague or acquaintance?

You're reading too much into her use of the word friend here IMO

Biscuitsneeded · 28/07/2022 10:29

I wouldn't write a letter, that's too much. Possibly she is very used to her independence, does kind of want more from the friendship but is also scared of it if she's not used to close friendships. Just text her and say 'nice to see you yesterday, I always enjoy our gym trips. Let me know if you are going again and would like some company'. That way the ball is in her court.

Honeyroar · 28/07/2022 10:34

When she asked what you were expecting and you told her, did you ask her what she’d been expecting?

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/07/2022 10:41

Exercising is a time to have some space and time alone for many of us. She is obviously feeling hassled and pressurised. If you like, text her one more time just to say, let me know when you want to meet up for a coffee/gym session, and then leave it, and wait for her reply.

No intense letters or any further contact.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/07/2022 10:41

Honeyroar · 28/07/2022 10:34

When she asked what you were expecting and you told her, did you ask her what she’d been expecting?

This is a good point.

TooHotToTangoToo · 28/07/2022 10:43

If she's a lone wolf, as you mentioned, maybe she just wants a bit of time at the gym on her own. I can be a bit like that, sometimes I just need a bit of alone time, then I'm ok again

New posts on this thread. Refresh page