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Original poster

Engagement rings

66 replies

Snowdrop89 · 27/07/2022 20:19

Is it really that unusual for the woman to be involved in choosing her engagement ring? I helped choose mine 11 years ago and it seems my husband has an issue with this. My daughter was asking about my ring & he got really moody. I feel sad he resents me having a nice ring that I enjoy wearing. I have no other jewellery at all. I said that to him and it seems like he has a problem that I was involved in choosing what I’d like. I feel deeply hurt and sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdrop89 · 27/07/2022 21:21

OperaStation · 27/07/2022 21:15

You chose a ring that you would wear so he’s essentially suggesting that you’re controlling yourself. Had he chosen the ring without you being allowed any input then he would have been controlling you.

Show quote history

I know… don’t get it

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdrop89 · 27/07/2022 21:22

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2022 21:16

That ring is just the tip of this iceberg, isn't it? Perhaps you need to think about your future and what you want from it.

I think so. It’s very sad.

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 27/07/2022 21:52

Sometimes there's one seemingly little thing that wakes you up to the fact that your marriage isn't good. Lots of prospers start threads about what they think is one issue and in the course of the thread it turns out that there's actually quite a lot wrong and the one issue they posted about is top of the iceberg.

Have a think about what things are like generally - does he sulk/get moody/ make you walk on eggshells to not upset his mood?
Who make the decisions in your lives? Do you feel your wants are fairly represented? Is he tight with money? You don't need to answer these questions here, just to yourself.
Maybe start a thread in relationships because there are lots of posters over there who can give you good advice and ask you the right questions do you can identify things you need to look out for.

sidheandlight · 27/07/2022 22:45

Except for the cost, which should be discussed; every woman should choose her own ring. The ring is only a front for some other issue he has in general.

coolmaker · 27/07/2022 22:58

Im guessing he either likes to be in control of you and is annoyed that he didn't have control of this (which is strange to be have been down with at the time and only bothered about 11 years later).

OR

He sees it as a reflection of your overall need to be in control i.e. This is also the top of the ice berg for him and he feels you need to be in control off everything in the relationship and he's feeling hen pecked. Would make more sense for him to be less bothered at the time as it didn't seem like a big deal but as the years have passed he's realised this was an early sign of what was to come and now resents it

SummerWhisper · 28/07/2022 06:30

It seems to be more about resentment than control. Why would he resent you having something nice that you like? Is he competitive with you? Does he spend on himself? This can't really be about the ring, but how he feels about you. Doesn't seem healthy, sorry 💐

girlmom21 · 28/07/2022 06:38

If he'd wanted to choose the ring he should have bought you a proper one the first time.

NiqueNique · 28/07/2022 06:44

I chose my ring, together with DH. He would have taken forever trying to find a perfect ring that was worthy of me, and he would have probably paid at least 10 times as much as well. I chose a small diamond on a very understated ring because I wanted it to look right for me, on my finger, and feel right to wear. My DH has never resented it and would never call it controlling because it was very important to him that I genuinely loved the ring (and more importantly he’s a good man).

PlantsAndSpaniels · 28/07/2022 07:14

Surely if he didn't want you involved in choosing the ring, he would have bought it before proposing? Else he should have gotten an idea if what you liked and picked it himself.

Beefcurtains79 · 28/07/2022 07:24

He sounds like he resents you having something that you like, how nasty of him.
Sorry to ask, but could he be seeing someone else? Sometimes men get bitter about things they have historically bought their partner when a new one turns their head.

Joey69 · 28/07/2022 07:39

Is it really that unusual for the woman to be involved in choosing her engagement ring?

it has been a long standing tradition that the man chooses the ring, but that strikes me as a stupid idea anyhow.
but is he a traditionalist?

romdowa · 28/07/2022 07:47

My dp bought me a ring but it had to be sent back to be resized and the company lost it and the ring was no longer in stock. So we got a refund . So last year we were passing an antique shop and I spotted a beautiful ring in the window and we bought it. The second ring was actually much nicer than the first and I was glad I got to pick 🤣

DuchessOfSausage · 28/07/2022 08:47

I thought that normally the couple either choose the ring first, or the groom uses a (cheap) ring for the proposal then they choose the official one later.

Someone I know demanded a £30,000 ring. If that was you, then I'm siding with your husband, otherwise it's not really about the ring is it.

MsFrenchie · 28/07/2022 08:52

My husband and I each chose our own, from the same shop, but asked the other one what they thought.

Did you choose his as well as choosing your own, and is that the issue?

We chose not to spend much ($100 each, about £60 at the time); was yours quite a lot more expensive than that, or more expensive than his?

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 28/07/2022 09:00

When I got engaged to my ex husband we went out and chose the ring together but I had final say. This was about 15yrs ago. Neither my wedding or engagement ring were traditional. It definitely never bothered him and I helped him choose his ring too.

My current DP chose a ring for me while I was in hospital with our ill baby. I didn't like the ring at all. It seemed a rushed choice. I told him the day he proposed that I didn't like it so he agreed to swap it but then we went into lockdown and couldn't return it. Eventually had to buy a new one so I'll use the old one as a wedding ring instead. I've worn the new one twice and have already lost it.

I much prefer my old rings and would happily wear those instead if it wasn't seen as weird.

cheveux · 28/07/2022 10:07

My husband was always very firm that he wanted to choose my ring. My Mum chose her own for both her marriages and I always imagined I would too, but DH was desperate to choose it himself so I could have a proper surprise. When it happened he designed my ring and commissioned it with my favourite jeweller so he ended up doing an amazing job and I’d never have picked something so perfect, so I was glad in the end, but I was always a bit sad he wouldn’t entertain us choosing it together.

I wonder if your husband just feels like it was unromantic or he regrets not having that experience of picking the ring he proposed to you with?

cheveux · 28/07/2022 10:08

girlmom21 · 28/07/2022 06:38

If he'd wanted to choose the ring he should have bought you a proper one the first time.

I agree with this.

Gazelda · 28/07/2022 10:17

I sometimes feel a little resentful that my DH chose my ring. He proposed on Christmas Day as a surprise and I suggested we swap the ring in the January sales to get more for his money but he refused.

I know that is controlling of him. And cowardly of me not to insist on getting a ring that I loved. But I've posted on another thread this morning about what a wonderful DH he is (supportive, loving, generous, thoughtful etc) so I let this blip slide. Apart from when I glance at my finger and wish it was a ring that I loved to look at as well as a ring I love for its symbolism

Coffeaddict · 28/07/2022 10:22

Personally I think as you are the one wearing it it makes sense you choose it. We had talked about weddings before we got engaged and he would stop outside jewlery places and ask my opinion. In the end he just said you pick and I choose the one I wanted.

I know of other couples where the man may have wanted more of a surprise so got a holder ring. In one case the bride went and choose in another the bride designed their own ring from jewels of an inherited ring.

I know of others where the proposer has picked the ring.

No right or wrong as far as I'm concerned although I'm glad I got to choose mine. I am not a fan of traditional engagement rings ie. With the diamond sticking out, and instead went for an eternity ring.

mumonthehill · 28/07/2022 10:23

DH and I went and chose the ring together and I am so glad we did as what I thought I wanted did not suit me at all! I love the ring I have and I have not taken it off in 23 years. I feel so sad for you that you now feel the way you do.

Zilla1 · 28/07/2022 10:29

IME the vast majority of rings are chosen together and of the remnant, that's where most of the coercive controllers reside. Not every man who wants it to be a surprise is coercive controlling, some are just unimaginative and don't think through their DP wearing it for years and being asked to see it and being judged by friends and family. Not a great analogy but I've sometimes explained it to the unimaginative as being like their DP picking the football team the man will support from now on or the only car they'll drive in the future.

SallyWD · 28/07/2022 10:32

My husband chose me a ring and I didn't like it! So he returned it and we got one together. He's never been at all resentful or made any remarks about this. He understands it's something I'll wear everyday for the rest of my life and he wanted me to be happy with it. Your husband is being silly!

NotReallySure · 28/07/2022 18:01

I picked my ring. Would hate to have been disappointed and my husband has very different taste to me. Sounds like it's a deeper issue than the ring though. Sorry it's making you sad. I still love my ring but am leaving my husband....

Anonmousse · 28/07/2022 18:41

I'm a jeweller and I would say majority of the time, (maybe 80%) the partner who is going to wear the ring usually has some say. Occassionally we talk separately with parner buying it about cost/what's possible within budget, but in terms of style most women have a say in choosing it. After all it's traditionally something you'll wear most days.
Recently a client had a very unusual and quite quirky design he wanted to surprise his partner with. I was quite relieved when he brought her along to a subsequent meeting. Within our discussions she chose something slightly more conventional, which would fit better next to a wedding band or another ring

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/07/2022 18:52

It’s utterly bizarre that he’s still holding a grudge over it over a decade later, and after the actual marriage has taken place. I’m assuming it’s symptomatic of other issues in your relationship, are you in a good place more generally?

Almost all the women I chose their rings as a joint enterprise. I always assumed I’d be involved in choosing mine but as it was, I got a very surprise engagement and have DP’s grandmother’s engagement ring which is a style and setting I’d never have chosen for myself. But, I love it for what it symbolises and wouldn’t swap it for anything.

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