"He's such a sweet guy" well, not to me..

[Maxmayfield]

Slept with a friend from work (large organisation, not working directly, same level). He was a stereotypical nice guy when we were friends - was a shoulder to cry on when my ex dumped me, caring, bought me coffees/drinks and was a gentleman before we slept together. Then we had sex and he came out with things like "spread your pussy" and "I want to fuck you against that window so everyone can see what a slut you are". Then told me he doesn't want a relationship with me and can only do casual, as he was pulling his pants back on. I got the distinct impression this wasn't his first rodeo in terms of casual sex.

He basically messed me around after this, arranging to meet me and then cancelling several times at the last minute. Sometimes avoided me at work. When I stood up for myself and said he wasn't treating me with respect or care, he lost his temper over text and said he didn't have time to deal with me. He was pretty callous for no reason and didn't see my POV at all. A completely different man.

Then he went on holiday and didn't contact me at all. He told a mutual friend to make sure I was OK, which baffled me. She thought this was lovely of him. Other friends that know us both have said he probably didn't mean to upset me as he's "so sweet".

I feel like sex brought out his true colours and this sweet thing is just an act. I feel pissed off with those who keep calling me dramatic and saying I should just make up with him.

I also feel like I've been cast as a mad dramatic woman when I feel he is the one who's behaved badly. Does anyone get what I mean?

Wow. I think you’re asking the wrong questions. I can’t believe you tried to pursue a relationship with him after that. I’d be asking myself why I didn’t just note it as a lesson learned and walk away. Why are you trying to build something with this guy and drag people into discussions about it. He’s not nice. You know that. That’s enough surely.

He told you it was casual and you didn't like the post sex or the language.

Why would you go after him?

I'd be telling him that I don't have time for dickheads like him, then block and ignore.

When a man shows you the real him, believe it. Some guys are just into sex no more. I've basically got a fuck buddy who when he wants to fuck texts yo u free ? Then I might not hear from him again for a month. This guy isn't interested in you. He just wants to get his dick wet.

Totally get what you mean.

But I agree with the other posters. Why even have contact with him ever again after he was so disrespectful. ?? Making your boundaries clear straight away and cutting off contact means there’s less chance of you being cast as a mad dramatic woman.

Id have nothing to do with him moving forward and also not discuss it with mutual friends, beyond a “he treated me badly and showed his true colours when we were alone. He’s not someone I need in my life”.

The slut comment would be a huge turn off to me. Stop chasing someone who lacks respect for you.

Block him. If he asks why, just say you've met someone you prefer and leave it there. He's a knob.

Oh my God I wouldn't want to speak to that man again. I wouldn't want anything to do with him. If somebody made a comment about him being sweet I would have to just say you know something he really really isn't.

Yep I really hate when people say "oh but he's such a nice guy". No he's a nice guy at work, when you are romantically (or sexually) involved with them they can be completely different.

Please dodge this bullet. He is not for you. I agree with what someone else said, tell him you met someone else and DO NOT GO THERE AGAIN

He sounds like an abusive prick who thinks he’s some sort of player. Fuck him off, he’s nothing but and inadequate prick who uses women to make himself feel like a man.

He's a nice guy so he can shag the next one. You won't get anyone to see that- most likely the female who he got to check on you is the next one........ don't defend, don't accuse, move on. Stop trying to arrange meet ups, and keep,things friendly(ish) in the office. He's shown you what he is, be great full it was done early on so,you can move on

I think there are two different issues confused here - well maybe one if it just boils down to you are not compatible as more than casual friends.

The sex talk just might be his kink - if it's not yours that's fine to opt out but it's not necessarily a sign that he's a jerk.

The messing you around, you feeling disrespected is this with the two of you back to being just friends?

I'm confused whether you agreed to a casual sex relationship with him when he said that was what he wanted, or whether you said that's not for me let's just go back to platonic friends?

If the latter and he's ghosting you, or letting you down for coffee meet-ups or treating you nastily when you see each other then just block him completely - he's a horrible guy who was only being a 'friend' to get you to sleep with him.

Do you think you might have started to rely on him a bit like a substitute boyfriend and he's reacting to those vibes and trying to emphasize that he's not interested that.

Your OP has left me baffled.

"told me he doesn't want a relationship with me and can only do casual, as he was pulling his pants back on."

and then

"He basically messed me around after this, arranging to meet me and then cancelling several times at the last minute."

Firstly, I cannot understand why, after the first sex, you made a date with him. He told you he does not want a relationship.

Secondly, why, after you made a date and he cancelled last minute, you then made another date, and he cancelled last minute again, then you made another date ..... I cannot fathom why he was given one chance let alone several.

Yes I get what you mean and I went through this a million times before I finally realised that it's painfully obvious that when someone treats you like a casual option you don't treat them like a permanent fixture.

Never go over and above what the other is doing. He doesn't message, you don't message and it fizzles out. The only alternative is it fizzles out but it leaves you feeling like a total loser.

He's a dick. Stop engaging with him

If a man said things like to me during sex, I’d have put my knickers back on and left.

What about him made you think he was relationship material?

He’s clearly not interested. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of messaging him, speaking to him, or generally chasing him.

He doesn’t respect you, but you should respect you.

Do you think you might feel better if you found a job elsewhere and left?