Epiphany! He meant sex. Didn't he..?

[CardboardBoxesEverywhere]

Just a musing really.

I split up with a boyfriend of 2 years last year. When we split up ( I ended it) he told me that he felt "taken advantage of" and "taken for granted".

Which never made any sense to me. We were supportive of each other and, whenever he went out of his way for me, I always thanked him profusely, told him how much I appreciated what he'd done, often took him out for something eat. I'm thinking things like driving 200 miles to pick up a new car, helping me move house. That sort of thing. Yet he would still tell me he felt "taken advantage of" and "taken for granted".

Anyway, last night my new boyfriend came over after work to help with with something. I thanked him a couple of times and took him out for something to eat at the pub and he seemed quite bemused and said I didn't need to thank him, it's just what people do. Obviously, I did need to thank him!

But this old boyfriend popped into my head with a bit of a realisation - I was supposed to repay him with sex, wasn't I? That's what he meant! My actual thanks/appreciation meant nothing.

Bonkers! 🤣

Wouldn't worry about the old boyfriend - the new one sounds like he has the right frame of mind though - you do things to help partners out not expect repayment. I bet that attitude made you feel more like having sex with him than the one from your ex

I think you're overthinking this. he was just being nice. He's different from your old boyfriend (i.e. maybe not a dick) which, from your description, sounds like a good thing. This 'repay him with sex' thing sounds creepy. Sex should be something that both people do for mutual enjoyment, and hopefully to show caring etc. Are you really ready for a relationship yet?

Shes saying her old boyfriend was expecting repayment in sex. Not the new one.

My message above shows the word 'hopefully' struck out. I was trying to be clever and put 2 hyphens before and after the word, but he board interpreted it and some sort of markup code.

Haha - 'you can thank me later' springs to mind. He did nice things for you so you'd shag him and when you didn't repay him in that way he thought you were taking advantage of his 'good' nature. He sounds like an ass OP, forget him and concentrate on the new guy.

I think you've made a bit of a leap. You can say thanks a lot but a person can still feel taken for granted.
There's also no point comparing the start of one relationship with the end of another. In the honeymoon stage it's easy to wave away thanks. Further in, if you're feeling undervalued, then even effusive thanks might not be enough.

OP shoulda had sex with ex-boyfriend by way of thanks and saved the money spent on eating out etc. (Joking)

Anyway, ewww and ick to the ex-boyfriend who wanted OP's vagina to say thank you.

Fundamental communication issue in previous relationship.

If ex-boyfriend sees sex as a reward for helping then that says it all and sums him up. I'm assuming he accepted the thank you meals etc all the same ?

Nothing to do with mutual desire for each other but he felt owed and entitled to sex with you because he'd done you a favour as described. Christ he makes my skin crawl and I've never met him.

I feel taken for granted by my DH because he doesn't say thanks. No way would I repay help with sex, if that's what your ex was after you are well rid.
It is very easy to sit and co.pare two relationships but try just to enjoy the one you have and forget about the dick you are well shut of.

Figuring shit out like that’s can be really helpful. Knowing you weren’t taking advantage is grounding.

knowing he wanted a BJ just highlights the ex thought the relationship wasnt a relationship but a transaction, he tried to buy sex with good deeds (bleugh) whereas your new man is more relationship focused in the right sense

It’s too hard to tell really. Driving 200 miles and helping someone move house are pretty big ticket things to do - lots of hours and work. You said thanks profusely and paid for a meal out - but did you do favours and helping of similar magnitude practically or time wise?

A meal out is nice but let’s face it, you were also getting a nice meal out at the same time!

Think you’ve really made too much of a leap here, sorry.

It’s a bit of a leap to make. It’s more likely that as the relationship declined (which it obviously did, considering he’s now an ex) there came to be resentment attached to a lot of aspects in it. If you like and love somebody it isn’t a chore to help them move house; if you’re falling out of love with them then you start to see all the negative aspects in everything. If you weren’t having much sex (and presumably you weren’t, if you believe that was what he was hoping for in return for helping you) then the relationship was clearly pretty dead in the water at the time he was doing all these things for you, and the lack of solid relationship contributing to bad feeling for him.

Your ex is a bell-end. Possibly the gratitude you expressed abundantly didn't take the expected form and therefore didn't count? Or maybe he thought that because you clearly are the opposite of ungrateful and self-serving, calling you those things would hurt you the most?

@CardboardBoxesEverywhere err.. no - based on what you said I don't know why you connected it to sex - maybe you forgot to include some other piece of information that would tie his comment to your conclusion.

I can speculate that he thought he was investing in the relationship - thought it was a long term thing and is disappointed with how things turned out... that's the stock market for you - relationships are similar I suppose - you don't own a person or lifelong access rights to them and people change - nothing is 100% certain.

Not necessarily.

Just let the ex go. Sounds like he was hard work.

It is hard to tell. I had a boyfriend dump me saying I never did anything for him, was lazy and didn’t thank him for anything. At the time I felt sad and apologised. It was only ten years later I realised I spent £££ and hours travelling to see him every week, he only came to see me once- I thanked him all the time and nothing he said made sense. I think he was probably cheating on me tbh 😁

Makes sense to me @CardboardBoxesEverywhere , if he was a sex pest in general.

Glad you're free of him xx

It sounds like a typical sulky and immature response to being dumped. I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

He doesn't say thanks? Like, ever?!?! I couldn't marry any man who had no manners! Wth

I would have read the first BF's complaint as " It's an uneven relationship; I run around after you and feel as if you don't reciprocate the same kind of favours to support me. I'm the giver and you're the taker".

Nothing to suggest he wanted to be paid in sex.

Probably should have added. I did stuff for him too. I never asked anything of him - he offered and I didn't immediately accept. Except for the car thing when I had no alternative but I paid for his petrol and made sure he was OK with it first. The house move - I told him he didn't need to but he insisted.

But yes, I did things for him - helped rearrange his house, took days to take him to hospital and dental appointments, cooked for him when he was ill... might not sound as big but they were more frequent.

I know what he meant.

The last time we had sex, I felt violated. He was just performing sex acts on me and positioned me so that I looked 'sexy' for him. I dumped him shortly afterwards and he agreed saying, "Yes, we haven't had any genuine affection since that weekend away." There was no affection. Or passion just varying degrees of sex act.

His biggest regret was not going to university because he missed out on all the sex.

But anyway, it's in the past. One of his friends tod me afterwards that she and another long standing friend of his were relieved when I dumped him.

He meant sex.

I’d just stop giving it all headspace tbh. You weren’t sexually compatible, you didn’t want sex with him, the fact that not much sex was happening was clearly bothering him, and it doesn’t sound like either of you were happy in the relationship or that you even liked him very much. Move on with your life and your new relationship.

The last time we had sex, I felt violated. He was just performing sex acts on me and positioned me so that I looked 'sexy' for him. I dumped him shortly afterwards and he agreed saying, "Yes, we haven't had any genuine affection since that weekend away." There was no affection. Or passion just varying degrees of sex act.

Jeez, you are well rid.

No, you're not overthinking this. He's a piece of work and best left in the past where he belongs.

A PP said he was a sex pest in the making. Yep. Also agree with the view that it wasn't a relationship you were having, it was a transaction because that's his view. Basically posing you in porn poses for his gratification. Yuck.

So, as far as he's concerned, affection=sex. Again, jeez.

He sounds like one of those, 'sex or nothing' guys.

No kissing/holding hands/holding each other etc etc UNLESS it leads to sex.

Oh, and, projection is what is going on here, i.e. he accused you of doing what he did to you.

So that remark about him feeling used and taken advantage of by you is what he was doing to you.

He really is an arsehole.

Interesting that was his response when you dumped him. Dented ego much ?

My very lovely husband was like this when we first met. It was a sign that he was naturally kind and supportive. That's not changed. I still like to say thank you though (because I'm naturally polite when I'm not swearing).