Hi all
I'm very close to ending an 8 month relationship and I'm having some doubts about whether it's the right thing to do.
I do love them, but I'm convinced that my partner is manipulative and emotionally abusive. I just don't know if I'm overreacting or seeing something that isn't actually there.
I guess what I want to do is share some scenarios that have happened during our relationship to see whether I'm justified in my beliefs about my partner / the relationship.
I'm interested to hear people's opinions on these things and whether I'm right to feel the way I do.
I'll take it from the start (and sorry in advance for the long post):
- We first started talking whilst my partner was in another relationship, which they didn't reveal at first. After a few weeks of talking they told me about the relationship and how unhappy they were, and although I tried to keep things friendly I did become a bit of a shoulder to cry on for them. Around a month after we started talking, they left their partner and we very quickly began dating. Since then, they've insisted on remaining friends with their ex, who is still very open about how they're still in love, buys them expensive gifts (e.g on their birthday) and has repeatedly said negative things about me. Whenever I've raised issues with this or explained how it makes me feel, I've been told I'm "talking from my ego" or been made to feel like I'm being unreasonable.
One example of this is when my partner bought me a ring with my initial on it, and soon after I found out they'd bought the exact same ring with their partner's initial on it while they were together. We went out for a meal one night and I noticed they were wearing the ring with their ex's initial on it, which they said was an accident. I obviously asked them to take it off and told them I was upset, and their response was "its only a ring" and that I was overreacting.
- During our 8 month relationship, my partner has broke up with me twice. On both occasions they've told me that I'm not the issue, they're just not in a good place for a relationship etc. This has lasted about a week before they've changed their mind and we've got back together. The last time this happened, I told them that if it happened again I was done for good. Since then they've made grand comments about our future together like getting engaged, moving in with each other etc, which don't feel genuine to me because of the way I've been dropped for no real reason in the past, and feel manipulative.
- Both myself and my partner have children from previous relationships, and we've both developed good relationships with each others kids. However, I often feel like my children are less of a priority and I'm made to feel guilty for prioritising them over my partner (which I will obviously always do and would expect the same from any parent).
This reached a boiling point recently when my partner suggested that we take her children and my youngest on holiday, whilst leaving my eldest child at home as they will be grumpy and "require a lot of my attention". When I told my partner that I would never do that, I felt like they became annoyed and passive aggressive, telling me that they would just take their children away on their own instead. I've always treated their children as my own, I look after them around half the week when I'm with my partner, do school runs, take them on days out etc, and it doesn't feel like that is matched by my partner with my own children.
- My partner has major issues with the parent of my children, and regularly makes insulting or judgemental comments about them in private. They've also been very influential in the way that I communicate with them and the decisions that I make regarding co-parenting, to the point where they've written messages for me to send and then got angry at me for not sending them. I'm often anxious about communicating with my ex when I'm around my partner, and they regularly say that I'm "too soft" or suggest I still having feelings for them because I try to keep things friendly / on good terms for the sake of my kids. My partner has a very poor relationship with their co-parent, and regularly tells me that they're a narcissist. I've never seen any evidence of this, so I've always just taken their word for it and stayed out of the situation.
- From the outset of our relationship, my partner has had consistent issues with trust and my online activity in particular (even though I don't ever feel like I've given her reason to doubt me and even offered to give her access to my social media accounts to reassure her). On one occassion I posted a photo on my social media and she messaged me saying "you need to clear out your friends list on Facebook, it's full of people who just like your photos or try to add me". When I said that telling me what to do on social media felt overbearing, she told me it was clearly a joke
- On the days / nights when my children aren't with me, I'm expected to be at my partner's house 24/7. If I pop home or go out to run an errand, I'm constantly bombarded with calls and asked when I'm coming back. If I do anything without telling them or change plans at the last minute, my partner becomes angry and says I should have told them. I've explained to my partner how this feels overbearing / controlling, but they completely disregard it and tell me that I'm wrong for not prioritising them
All of this came to a head recently when my partner went away for the weekend to visit her family, and I had a weekend alone with my kids. I realised how nice it was to have complete autonomy over my time, what I did with my children and to not have to worry about how my partner would react to anything. As the weekend ended, I realised that instead of looking forward to them coming home, I felt anxious about it.
I'm assuming most people will read this and ask why I'm still with this person if thats how I feel. But they often make me feel like I'm the problem, that I'm being unreasonable or that I cause the issues in the relationship. This has led to me constantly doubting myself and wondering if it is just me seeing things that aren't there.
Any perspective would be appreciated.