Too soon, or too quick?

[Arinatto]

Hi everyone. I(F24) have a son and his father(M41) was abusive to me, so I left him a couple years ago. Since then I really couldn't love any man, I tried, but I thought that the butterflies in my stomach ''phase'' was over for me with any guy.
Then today I had a date. I liked him(M38) trough phone already. Smart, sexy, super kind, the kind of man Ive never felt attracted to.A bit clumsy, too cute! Treated me so well and I was liking that. Then because of the heat we went to my house a few blocks away to grab more beer, we kissed, and damn. Passionate, he didn't want to do it, so soon, me neither, we were both just stupid horny people trying not to have sex.
We actually ended up doing it twice and we were all over each other, and he had to leave early for work tomorrow, and even knowing there was no more time, we started talking about things and Mussolini while kissing/hugging(dont know how we got to mussolinni but we did)

And I realized while having sex that I could and actually enjoyed looking at him at his eyes and talking to him sometimes, when with my son's father I could never look at him in the eye, even less talk to him, maybe because of the abuse?

It was great but now I'm fucking scared. Like really. Was it a bad decision? I truly don't want to be hurt anymore... Maybe he will think Im like this with every guy...

OP - is there a reason you are going for much older men? You already had one abusive relationship. And now it’s not just you you need to think about.
I am not sure chasing ‘butterflies’ and being a good parent are compatible.
A of course at just 24 and after one bad relationship you are done - you have a long life in front of you, and plenty of time to fall in love.
But you also have responsibilities now and you can’t just bring any man into your child’s life. It needs to be a right one.

As to the guy. I’d not worry. He is a 38yo man who got to have sex with someone in early 20s. He won’t be complaining even if he thinks you are ‘like this’ with men.
Generally I think men that age who target much younger women - have something about them. They are either juvenile themselves, or want someone who they can manipulate. Or they simply want to have fun without pressure of needing commitment that women in their 30s start putting on them.
So - there. Not sure if this helps at all.

You had sex too soon and with another much older guy. I think you need to spend more time on your own focusing on what made you choose an abusive man because it sounds like you are about to repeat the same pattern. Too much too soon with an older man.
I wouldn't bother thinking about why you looked into his eyes. You don't even know this guy and you brought him home to get more drunk with and had impulsive sex. You have a kid at home you need to slow it way down and be more careful who you bring home and why do you keep going for men who are so much older? at your age maximum is 30 years old.
These older guys won't turn down free sex with a younger woman but it doesn't mean they are right for you. You have to wonder why they choose a woman who is from a different generation who doesn't know or understand much of his references growing up... because you are naive and easier to manipulate and women their own age see through their BS. Open up your eyes. It doesn't matter if you never feel butterflies with men again, you're a mother focus on that. Then focus on therapy and self improvement as to why you chose an older abusive man to understand what in your past or personality that made you vulnerable to a man like that.

I left the abusive relationship when my son was a month old. I did everything I could so he would not see any of that. Yes, I may be young, but I like older guys, whats so wrong with that?
Its not like I dont give any type of chances to guys my age. I just think they are immature. But I dont think is the age that matters, really. If I met a guy and liked him and sense he was mature, I wont care if hes 23 or 33 really. DOES liking older guys make me CHOOSE an abusive relationship?@MMmomDD
@Dominant Do you think I CHOOSE abusive relationship? You never, EVER, know if someone is going to abuse you, damn! Yes there may be some people that let out red flags but with my sons father was always kindness, support, no critical of either clothes, appearence, lifestyle... And suddenly at 8 months into our relationship he changed his mask an revealed. SUDDENLY yes SUDDENLY he was jealous, a control freak, he wanted the house cleaned always, used to pass a finger to see how well I cleaned, his food cooked. So yeah theres that and YOU telling me I choose abusive men? How the F can you actually know if someone is being kind and thats it?!!
I talked to him for about 2 months before we met, like I said I already liked him trough phone. We talked for hours. And by the way my kid WASNT HOME. He is with his grandfathers to visit his dad and is staying there because a Judge told me to, so now Im like kinda a bad mom too because I had sex with a man? I wasn[t asking if I was a bad or a good mom. I was asking if guys really do care if there is sex on the first date, or if it was morally or ethically bad for ME to have sex with him. Ive been single and really TOOK MY F* TIME beacuse my son is FOUR and I havent been with anyone for some two stranger people in a forum try to say Im a bad mother, or that Im choosing an ABUSIVE man again, just because hes older than me???!!!! What the hell?? And you are supposed to give relationship advice? Were screwed then. I took more therapy in four years than any of you and of course Im trying to go VERY CAREFULLY since I have a son. Im not going to introduce anybody I met in 2 months to my baby boy. How much judgment is ALWAYS with women and between women.

@Dominant And excuse me but, why in the world you think grabbing more beer equals getting MORE drunk? We werent drunk. We had a beer and there was a lot of heat, so we wanted another one. Thats getting more drunk to you? Really?

The mystery and excitement might be over for him now, that is how men work. Be prepared for him to cool off, hopefully he is one of the good guys and doesnt. Try and wait next time

I agree with pp. You are very young, with a young child. Have you worked on yourself, created healthy boundaries, taken your time to get to know the next person after being in an abusive relationship? I'm not sure you if, if you are so taken in by this person who has basically done nothing.

You may like older men, fair enough. But what type of men like women 15 years younger than themselves?

There's nothing wrong with being attracted to older guys, but you have to understand that when there's a significant age difference, that presents a power imbalance. Unfortunately it's fact that many older men prefer younger women because they see them as easier to control and having poorer boundaries. That's not to say that all older men who date younger women are abusive, but it's certainly a common dynamic.

As for your question about whether it's too soon, I would advise you to take your time with men in the future. Sex tends to intensify our emotions which can cloud one's judgement. Which is why, especially if you've experienced abuse in the past, it's best to hold off on being physically intimate until you've had a chance to vet the guy.

The issue with having sex too early is that good sex can mask your feelings - it can make you feel closer to someone than is possible on a first date and make you look for signs he’s into you, and ignore warning signs that all isn’t ok.

You were very young when you went into your relationship with someone twice your age - too young to see that that in itself is a warning. Men that much older often look for a younger woman because they are less experienced and less likely to see warning signs that indicate abuse. You did well to get out of that and to take some time out to focus on yourself and your child.

If you’re asking if you had sex too soon, you probably did. I don’t think there’s anything wrong per se in having sex on a first date but you need to be able to see it as a moment of passion rather than any indication of your feelings for him. That “butterfly” feeling is simply attraction - and we aren’t destined to have a relationship with everyone we’re attracted to. Him being much older, again, is a bit of a warning sign. He’s at a different life stage to you, is more established as an adult and likely much more experienced in relationships. That doesn’t mean he’s a bad person necessarily but I would definitely be questioning what he wants with a much younger woman with a child. Particularly one he got into bed on the first date after both of you saying you didn’t want to.

It would be worth you thinking about where your boundaries lie. There’s nothing wrong with casual sex but you need to be thinking about safety for you and your child. That means not bringing strangers back to your house, not going further sexually than you planned to, being realistic about early encounters which often don’t go any further, thinking about what you’re looking for in much older men and what they in turn might be looking for in you. And keeping in mind that the connection you feel sexually can make you move faster than is cautious and make you ignore signs you really need to attend to.

With respect, OP - you don’t sound like someone who has done a lot of work on yourself. Or as someone who understands grown up/middle aged men and what drives them.
No one suggested you were a bad mother.
Women here are older than you and have seen and experienced a lot more. So what we share is based on that. Take it or leave it

On its own - there is nothing wrong with age gap relationships. People can meet and fall for all kinds of people.
But, there is a big but. There is a big difference between naturally falling for someone older - meeting through friends, work, etc - and choosing to go online looking for them.

Older men who target much younger women in online dating are doing it for a reason. And in that - yes - there is a much higher chance that you will end up in the same place again
’Talking to him for two months’ - isn’t something that proves much of anything. Guys will go a long distance when they are chasing a prize. And you must realise that for older men - getting to have a 15-20 years younger woman is quite a big prize.

With a right guy - sex on the first date doesn’t really matter. A guy who would go to a woman’s place to get more beers on the first date is unlikely to be a guy who is looking to have a relationship with that woman. Age aside.

How much judgment is ALWAYS with women and between women

You are extremely judgemental of people trying to help you on the thread, to the point of being critical and rude.

You sound very young. You might need to grow up before trying to have any more relationships, especially since you have a child.

For this current guy, and all others, if you feel uncomfortable, pull away. That's all you need to do to avoid abuse in the future. It doesn't matter how you 'come across'. People can't treat you badly unless you let them.