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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

(TW mentions SA) Heartbroken over comment DH made.

15 replies

heartbroken12 · 26/07/2022 19:41

trigger warning mentions past sexual assault
NC for this.

Long story short I was raped as a teenager and have had PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) since. My DH has known what happened to me since he met me at 24 (I am now 30). We’ve been married a year and have 1DC.

I regularly have flashbacks. They are very intense and scary. I had one last night after me and DH had sex, it was a particularly bad one.
This afternoon I spoke to my MH nurse and went to see the dentist which is a huge thing for me because of the PTSD I hate the dentist and I said to DH that the dentist asked me what caused my PTSD. To which he replied, “did you tell her it was because of a good fucking?”

He now is saying he said it because he thought my MH nurse asked what caused the flashback not the dentist/PTSD. He has also said he meant it as a joke and that it was ‘such good sex it caused a flashback' rather than what happened to me was a ‘good fucking’.

I just.. I feel sick and so angry. We have talked and he is apologised profusely over and over and I do think he is sorry but who is this man?? I did not marry this man who jokes about my flashbacks or what happened or anything. We have been through so much together, I don’t get it.

Heartbroken... I don't even want to be in the same room as him right now. I mean am I overreacting to this joke?? or am I right in my anger.. I just don't know what to think esp as he is so sorry and I do love him.

OP posts:
marrymeadam · 26/07/2022 19:45

You are not over reacting. What a hideous response. No matter how he meant it it was an appalling thing to say. I would be asking him to find somewhere else to stay. I'm sorry for what happened to you xx

JohannSebastianBach · 26/07/2022 19:47

That's a bloody awful thing to say.
You are not overreacting.

Nap1983 · 26/07/2022 19:48

Ok… my tuppenceworth. If your H is normally a nice, supportive non abusive guy and you believe that he could have said that comment about the sex you’d just had then it’s very ill judged and stupid by him. If you believe he ment what previously happened to you then honestly he’s an absolute creep and doesn’t deserve to be forgiven! Only you know him. Hope your ok

Nap1983 · 26/07/2022 19:49

Sorry ment to say 100% not overacting. Disgusting thing to say to you

yonce · 26/07/2022 19:50

Nap1983 · 26/07/2022 19:48

Ok… my tuppenceworth. If your H is normally a nice, supportive non abusive guy and you believe that he could have said that comment about the sex you’d just had then it’s very ill judged and stupid by him. If you believe he ment what previously happened to you then honestly he’s an absolute creep and doesn’t deserve to be forgiven! Only you know him. Hope your ok

This is what I was thinking, if he's apologetic and understands why it was such a horrendous misunderstanding to make then I'd view it very differently to someone who made that sort of comment on purpose.

ZaraSizeMedium · 26/07/2022 19:54

Even if he misunderstood who was asking you what, I cannot comprehend how on earth he thought his comment was in any way an ok thing to say.

He meant it as a joke? Is he able to explain which part of it exactly is supposed to be funny, and how.

Ivyy · 26/07/2022 19:55

Not overreacting at all op, I'd be devastated as well. Even if he thought you meant what caused the flashback, that comment was totally insensitive and inappropriate

girlmom21 · 26/07/2022 20:11

Nap1983 · 26/07/2022 19:48

Ok… my tuppenceworth. If your H is normally a nice, supportive non abusive guy and you believe that he could have said that comment about the sex you’d just had then it’s very ill judged and stupid by him. If you believe he ment what previously happened to you then honestly he’s an absolute creep and doesn’t deserve to be forgiven! Only you know him. Hope your ok

I have to agree with this.

I know you're not ok OP but it genuinely sounds like it was a really stupid, thoughtless comment on his part rather than anything intentionally nasty or cruel.

MeenzAmRhoi · 26/07/2022 20:11

Nap1983 · 26/07/2022 19:48

Ok… my tuppenceworth. If your H is normally a nice, supportive non abusive guy and you believe that he could have said that comment about the sex you’d just had then it’s very ill judged and stupid by him. If you believe he ment what previously happened to you then honestly he’s an absolute creep and doesn’t deserve to be forgiven! Only you know him. Hope your ok

Agree with this.
If you believe he meant it about the sex, it was a ridiculous, stupid and insensitive thing to say. If he meant it about the rape and you believe that, I would think about leaving him.

ANewNameANewDay · 26/07/2022 20:22

Nap1983 · 26/07/2022 19:48

Ok… my tuppenceworth. If your H is normally a nice, supportive non abusive guy and you believe that he could have said that comment about the sex you’d just had then it’s very ill judged and stupid by him. If you believe he ment what previously happened to you then honestly he’s an absolute creep and doesn’t deserve to be forgiven! Only you know him. Hope your ok

Yeah this really. Sounds like he got the wrong end of the stick and put his foot in his mouth.

AnyFucker · 26/07/2022 20:25

Jokes are meant to be funny.

What the hell is wrong with him ?

Sleepytimebear · 26/07/2022 20:31

I am genuinely so shocked at hearing this, you are most definitely not overreacting. I just don't see how even if it was a joke because he thought he was so good at sex, he could possibly think it was ok to make light of your scary flashbacks, your PTSD and your rape. I would honestly be asking myself why he said this because on some level he thinks he can joke about this really terrible thing that happened to you. I don't buy that he made a stupid mistake, some things are off limits. To be honest my exh used to make jokes which I used to dismiss and he turned out to be a massive misogynist who hated women, but it took years to really come out. If you choose to accept the apology I would keep a really close eye on any future jokes/ slip ups.

PhillyJoe · 26/07/2022 20:46

I genuinely gasped when I read what he said. It sounds like he was genuinely referring to the flashback and the sex you’d had with him. I also wonder if he has some feelings about having triggered a flashback that he could do with exploring, not necessarily with you but with someone he trusts or someone neutral. He may have felt hurt or rejected and certainly he sounds defensive. But it’s not okay for him to have says what he said.

DramaticSunflower · 26/07/2022 20:47

I’m so sorry this happened to you and your husband has been incredibly inappropriate and incentive towards you.

It sounds like he is usually supportive and this horrendous comment was made because of crossed wires. Not that that excuses anything.

you have both done the right thing and spoken about how you are feeling . And you have the right to feel very angry.

Speaking from experience, dealing with PTSD can be hard to communicate to partners and they don’t always understand how certain comments can come across.

i hope you are taking care of yourself.

Jun345 · 26/07/2022 21:12

Wow I gasped. It’s such a horrendous use of language, let alone in this context. So sorry, it must be really confusing to have your safe person say this to you regardless of what he meant by it :( you are justified to feel really upset x

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