What if I’m never going to be loved?

[DontTellAnyonePlease]

Name changed because I’m so fucking embarrased.

Already in my late 30’s, never had a partner, never been loved.

I’ve searched and read all MN threads about finding love later in life and also all the threads about positive stuff about single, so I know I shouldn’t give up and apparently it’s better to be single than in not so great relationship.

But I feel like I’m drowning in emptiness, but I just won’t die.
I feel so horrible and I’m so scared and I’m so jealous of other people who get to live normal lives…

I'm not going to tell you "they're out there, just keeping looking" or "it'll happen" etc, cos it might not. I always think those statements are absolute trite bollocks. I'm also not going to tell you that you should wave the pom-poms for a single life and say how great it is. I understand why you feel the way you do. But, if you take a scroll down this section of MN, you will find a fuck ton of threads about the sadness, devastation, hurt, financial and emotional ruin that relationships can bring. Even the good ones can be draining, complicated and boring / annoying at times. You said others get to live "normal" lives and that implies you think being "normal" involves being in a couple. Again, I understand why you think that, but its increasingly not true. There are an ever increasing number of single people, people who have friends with benefits arrangements, who casually date, or who have a relationship but choose to maintain separate homes etc.

Are you nice? Friendly? Generally upbeat (other than in this arena obvs)? Have hobbies, goals, friends, a social life? A job? There is no such thing as normal. One of my dearest friends is about 20 years older than you and never been in a relationship. She is v successful professionally, well respected and liked, has very active social life and all her money to do what she likes with - total autonomy. I'm quite jealous!! Until she reached about 40 I think most of us did sort of assume she would find someone or she should find someone but finally (about a decade later than we should have) we all accepted that this was her life as it stood, and it was fab. I hope you find peace, and things to be happy about that aren't this fundamentally flawed concept of coupledom.

hey!
so I fully relate - it sucks reading the threads on here. It can seem as though it’s Either “Omg I’ve loved my handsome man for 20 years. Our sex lose is still amazing” or it’s “my DH works 100 hours a week to feed our beautiful family but he tells me I’m fat and frequently smashes doors when he loses at golf. He also had an affair which I’m coming to turns with. How to I overcome this and show him how much i love him”
it can seem really alienating

I also relate to the perpetual singleton shit. I’m always single - I’m clever, work, cool, attractive, have friends, you know all that shit everyone says? And yet can’t find a decent dude either.
I get fed up of constantly being like “congratulations” “omg that’s amazing!!” “How wonderful for you both”
it’s like sitting there thinking, when is it my turn? Am I just a cheerleader for everyone else’s success.

so I decided to ‘give up on love’ super melodramatic I know but it’s actually the hope that next year will be your year, but next year is the same
that crushes you/me

and available dudes online are… stunted, addicts, jobless, married, smelly etc etc

so anyway after my rambling and self pitying. I was meditating (yes I’m one of those people sorry! Lol) and this weird brain wave came to me. I show love, but I don’t allow people to love me? I can be emotionally closed off and super affectionate with Friends and family, but guys? I’m kind of hardened.
then it kind of dawned on me that I’m so invested in when am I going to find someone but I don’t make it clear that I’m even interested?

i just wanted to share my recent perspective
I don’t know if you’ll relate
but i hope you find someone and I hope I do too :)

@ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat
Thank you for your thoughtful reply, and I know that I need to take being in a couple off the pedestal, somedays are just really hard.

@djdkdkddkek
Thank you and I’m ”glad” (I hope what you mean) that someone could understand.
It is indeed alienating when you can relate to anyone.
And cheering on others.

I actually few years ago read hiw some woman who also didn’t have any luck to find a partner and she said that she started to force another dream for herself.
So instead of a husband and I think she wanted a house by the beach and dogs, she started consciously to dream a life without a man and focus on other parts of her dream life.
She said that it took time (years?) but now the thought of a man didn’t even occur to her and she lived happily by herself.

I’m kind of trying to do that.
Because,like you said, it’s painful to get those dreams and hopes crushed again and again.

Thank you for sharing, and I hope you find your person too!

I think it's a matter of luck to find the right partner. You may have been sitting on a train next to someone who would have been perfect but never known.

Whatever the situation don't feel embarrassed or any less of a person for being single. Being single is so much better than being in a bad relationship.

Spend time doing things that make you happy and focus on things you can do to improve your life. You may find love, you may not.

I truly truly believe that being single is A LOT less lonely than being stuck in a dead end relationship which many of us are. OK l admit some people seem to be lucky but l think the vast majority are simply plodding on in less than satisfactory relationship. Keep away from instagram (so fake and vile) and try to enjoy the fact that there are more and more options in how we lead our lives. The conventional path is now being questioned like never before x

@Roundthetwistyroad

I understand that being single is better than abusive relationship, or if there is cheating or addiction problems.
But surely most of them aren’t like that.

I really wouldn’t even mind plodding along with someone, I mean that’s what my life is like anyway 😁, wouldn’t mind doing it with someone.

And absolutely staying away from IG, too painful.

I agree with a PP that it's all the luck of the draw a bit. I also have a theory that anyone can get into a relationship (if they scrape the barrel deep enough) but not always the best relationship. Only when you're in it you end up staying and that's when we see some of the horror threads on here. Societal pressure deems we should have a partner so it's hard to give them up. These people aren't being loved either.

We often on the other hand get an impression that other relationships are all wonderful. This statistically cannot be true and even for the good ones people in relationships have to make a lot of compromises and live through a lot of micro aggressions to keep things on the road. It's really hard going sometimes. I don't think any relationship is the same and there is often a power imbalance. The idea of normal people and normal relationships is a fallacy imo.

I understand. I have had one relationship in my early twenties but other than that been long term single, I’m in my mid-30s now and accepted it’s unlikely to happen for me. Sometimes I can accept it but it’s hard when I see families with kids and realise I probably won’t ever have that and I feel lonely a lot of the time that I don’t have anyone to do things like go out for dinner with, go on holiday, go to concerts etc. All of my local friends are coupled up so unfortunately they’re usually busy so I do spend evenings and weekends alone a lot. I have kind of accepted it now but it does make me sad if I think about it too much and I always feel deeply embarrassed and like a failure when people are making small talk and ask if I have a partner or kids yet. Sorry, I don’t really have advice but just wanted to say I empathise and understand how you feel.

Actually on mumsnet most relationships are shit but it's easy to forget that mumsnet is not real life. Lots of people are in decent long term relationships.

Plodding along is actually pretty much the norm for most. Life isn't all excitement and fabulous sex, a lot if it is watching corrie/x factor, arguing with kids over homework, trailing around after them (actually sounds pretty awful).

Also as others have said its about putting up with someone else's annoying habits (he has to put up with mine though). On the other hand he's here to listen to my gripes, he celebrates my successes, encourages me to be the best I can and generally is supports me in my life. Life would be so much tougher without him and that's important. A good partner enhances you, a shit one will make you feel worse.

I dunno, I'm finding online dating quite different having just turned 50, compared with my title lack of luck in my 30s, and I think some of it is because the risk of pregnancy is mostly gone. It might also be because I know I am absolutely fine single, so they only get a look-in if I think they can enhance my life. And there are still an awful lot of arseholes out there, and you're definitely not missing out on them.

Waiting is of no help if you want children, and if you do, maybe consider going it alone? And make sure you don't miss out other stuff you want to do, be it travelling or going to the cinema or whatever. I've done a lot more than many coupled up friends have.

OP sounds like a very nice lady so it is really up to you. I'm struggling a bit with being single after nearly 30 years but reckon I will meet the right woman at some point

Been divorced 21 years, 2 sons yes, one with Asperger’s who ignores me, been on too many blind dates, dating sites met some nice guys, none right.
when I gave up this year at 60, I felt relieved, I have great family, friends and cat, I’d love to think I’d meet someone but unlikely, it doesn’t happen to us all

Being single can be lonely… being in a bad relationship can be even lonelier. There are people in good relationships who are very happy, it’s true, but I don’t think it’s as common as you might think. Even the happiest-seeming couple can have traumatic, damaging stuff going on behind closed doors, stuff that you will never see because they only show their happy face to people. You can take that to the bank.

I have always had a tendency to compare myself to my closest childhood friend, who is happily married with two kids and who is financially secure with all the trimmings...

I compare myself to her because she went and got the life I always thought I’d have. And I sometimes feel bitter at the unfairness of it. And because I lack that thing she has and that I always wanted for myself, I can sometimes feel a bit worthless. A woman in my early 40s with no kids, and not much money. I often find myself thinking, where is the value in that? What is the point of ME? Where did it all go so wrong for me? How did I fuck this up so badly? What could I have done - and when - to stop it going so wrong? Why does my friend get everything, and I get nothing….?! I can get really bogged down in these thoughts sometimes. But when I zoom out from it, I remember that the majority of my friends are single and childless. And they’re pretty cool and definitely have value.

How does one combat the feeling of emptiness, and, in my case, worthlessness? For me, it’s been a lot about finding my tribe. Making meaningful connections. In the past year or so I’ve made some incredible new friends thanks to being part of a community of people (mostly women) with very similar interests to me. Most of them are single childless women around the same age as me. It’s so refreshing and makes me feel so much more ‘normal’. Like, not someone who has failed at life. Just a regular person. And these friends are far from worthless… they are amazing! They are my tribe! I love and admire them and they have so much value, just as they are… it makes me feel so much less empty/lonely, and so validated, and like I have value too, I am loved and cared for and appreciated, and actually worthy of being on this planet.

(Single childless women are also capable of being empowered, which is a good feeling. I didn’t realise how powerful I was until very recently, when I took back the power that had been stolen from me for a long time.)

I would still love to be settled in a happy, peaceful, undramatic relationship… and I still dream of having children, even though I’m in my 40s now. Acceptance/moving on is hard. But I am letting that stuff work itself out (therapy is useful) and am focusing on appreciating the good things/people in my life, the strong connections I have with a variety of other earthly beings, the many moments of joy I experience daily, and the depth of meaning I find in often just the little things. When I zoom out (and stop focusing on just the losses and the perceived lackings) I can see clearly that these are the things life is really about.

You don’t have to love being single. You are allowed to feel kinda lonely and sad and even bitter at times. I certainly do! But you don’t have to feel constantly hopeless and empty. Because there really is MORE to life. It can sometimes be hard for one to recognise these things, and to see how they can fill so many of those empty spaces in one’s soul. Widening the lens, and being proactive in exploring my passions and seeking out my tribe, has helped me a lot.

@DontTellAnyonePlease I feel for you. Without sounding like an armchair psychologist, what is your relationship like with your parents/family? I was told pretty much every single day of my childhood by my narcissistic mother that I was unlikeable/unloveable so I thought this must be true. I was also the cleverest kid in my class so that also made me look odd to peers. I didn’t risk being rejected by peers so I didn’t try and formulate friendships. I was a very lovely child. My mother had an odd relationship with sex, so that sort of chat was not available to me. I used to dream of living the life on an 1980’s American soap opera, beautiful things, beautiful homes, loving partners. It wasn’t until I mixed with non-school people at a PT job during a levels and then at uni/work that I discovered this not to be the case, and in fact I was actually quite decent/funny/loyal and it turns out, loveable. That said, a crappy childhood does make you open to relationships with ‘this’ll do’ people and it was only when I got to my thirties that I realised what I was worth. I got divorced from a kind but uninteresting/unambitious man whose life I would’ve ruined from my sheer boredom in the relationship (my mother liked him so I should’ve spotted the red flag) took tennis lessons, golf lessons went to the gym and generally kept busy and enjoyed life. I truly think a happy person attracts people who want to spend time in their company. I met someone at work (who had been previously married and already had children and so naturally my mother hated him) and had a child with him. I was 35. Unsurprisingly, I am low contact with my still-bitter mother. I have a great life, I don’t yet live on a ranch in Texas, or in Beverley Hills, but I’m only 50 so there is still time. Things did not happen for me until my mid 30’s. I still play tennis, keep fit, go to the cinema by myself. You have plenty of time. Spend some time reframing your mindset and understanding if relationships in your formative years are holding you back from welcoming attention. Try something new. And be kind to yourself. There is someone out there, but just like ‘lucky’ people are the ones that randomly find money on the pavement, they aren’t ‘lucky’ they are just looking for it.