A horrible person but very hurt

[watchagunado]

Hi I hope your all well . I know what I'm going to write is awful but it's how I'm feeling and I really don't know what to do work myself . I have fallen in love with a married man 😢. Never did I expect to be in this predicament but here I am .

I am also engaged in a long term relationship. I have worked alongside this man for years and from the moment I met him there was something there for me . Also I found out he felt the same too . After 8 years of carrying on as normal he decided to tell me one day after looking awfully stressed that he has feelings for me and he then started crying because he said he knows he shouldn't and doesn't know how he can have feelings for someone else but still love his wife .

I then said how I felt and it got a bit emotional but that was it we tried so hard to keep it as it had been for all these years but in the end I left because of how depressed it was making me . It's been 2 years since I left and I havnt been able to get him out of my head . I havnt felt the way I do about him ever . Not even with my partner which makes me sad . If only we had both met before we had met our partners . If he was a female he would honestly be my best friend. He is an amazing kind and patient person and that's what I love about him .

These last few weeks have been really hard because for some reason I have had an overwhelming erge to contact him but I know how wrong that is and I don't want to end up hurting anyone . I have blocked him on social media because I don't want to know what he's up too . I think I'm just wondering are these feelings normal or do I need help because no word of a lie I can't cope with feeling like I do anymore . I am so sorry if my post upsets anyone . I know what I feel is wrong but I literally can't help it . Thankyou

Feeling what you feel isn't wrong but acting on it is. You did the right thing leaving as you are making an effort to keep thing right. You really need to look at your own relationship with your partner as if that was right you wouldn't be falling for other people. Focus on either ending that or getting relationship counselling. Ending it means you are free to meet someone completely new who is free to be in a relationship.

Agree with the previous poster. I am actually quite impressed that you had the strength to walk away from such temptation. Give yourself a lot of credit for that.
Sometimes unfinished business is the hardest to let go. All the what ifs, all the fantasy, all the dreaming. It is as if they are forever on a pedestal because nothing has been truly tested. I have an ex who l feel this about but l try really really hard to separate the fantasy from the reality.
If you had both really wanted to be in a relationship you would have left your marriages and given it a go. Not saying you should have done that but people do. So remember he is still with his wife as far as you know and you are with your partner. I think it is probably because you are unfulfilled in your present relationship that the urge to contact this man is so strong.
By the way, you sound like a lovely person, not horrible at all.

You made the most sensible decision. Have you thought about counselling to discover what is missing from your current relationship.
I had an ex reach out to me who had a lot of issues in the past. I walked away from him broken hearted. He reached out a year ago and I have seen him once since by coincidence. I also did the right thing. Although it was so hard. Afterwards I wanted to ask him so many questions but have stood strong! Just! Try and keep yourself busy. Have you tried journaling your thoughts that may help.

Thankyou so much for your replies and kind and sensible words . I really appreciate everything you all have said .

I do think I am rather 'damaged' from an ex partner . We were together for ten years and he ruined me . The idea I had of love , the love we had for each other or so I thought he basically changed in to someone I didn't know . Cheating constantly and calling me horrible things. I think since then I have needed to know if my partner still loves me and I used to constantly worry he didn't . I just made my own life hell for years being so insecure .

I loved my partner with all my heart and would of done anything for him but again it got thrown on my face . He didn't do anything like my ex but he broke my trust and I can never fully get over it .

I don't think any of my past problems have made me have feelings for this other person mind . I know no one is perfect and probably what I thought and think he is like he probably isn't in a relationship . I know people only really let you see their good side at first. But even if there were no feelings involved I would of loved to have been a friend . I actually miss him . It's awful being with someone everyday for for years and then just not seeing them or talking to them any more . I feel so down about it .

Walking away was so hard but I couldn't ruin a marriage or hurt my partner . There where times where we wanted to spend time together but strangely enough no sex or kissing just spending time together . I know that is still wrong.

He is an amazing kind and patient person

He wasn’t kind to his wife by telling another woman he has feelings for her.
How would you feel if your DP was saying that to another woman and wanting to spend time with her?

Well done for walking away from this emotional affair.

If it helps you don't really know him in a relationship context. You know him in a work context and sometimes they can be very different and not in a good way.

^This.

Ive been in the exact same situation as you OP, except I was the wife, and I found out about the years long emotional affair with the work friend. I can’t describe the trauma it caused. If you say you don’t want to ruin marriages or hurt your partner then you do need to put this guy out of your mind and move on. I think you need to explore what is lacking in your life/relationship to make you feel this way two years on, and do something about that, rather than fixate on rekindling this fantasy relationship to achieve happiness.