How to help my brother?

[Summer1973]

My DB has undiagnosed mild learning difficulties and perhaps aspergers/autism and a speech impediment - he in his 50s. He’s currently looking for work. Most of his jobs he has been sacked from for bad attitude or left before getting sacked. He’d really rather just stay at home. He’s on medication for depression. He has never been happy with his lot though has his own home.

He has no tolerance at work and is unappreciative. He doesn't like being told what to do as takes it personally.

An example, he complained that someone at work was moaning he didn’t do something right, but I suspect it was because he was new and he was being told how to do things.
He complained about a previous employer who he said treated people terribly (the employer reduced his workload after he was off with depression, reduced his hours at his request, then put them back up when my brother realised he couldn’t afford to live on part time hours). Unfortunately he wants to do a better job than he has the skills for.

My elderly parents support him financially (as I have done too). It causes a bit of friction between them because my mum wants to help him and my dad thinks he should just work and make the best of it. My brother can be a bit manipulative re money (ie. he recently asked my dad how much money he had) and entitled. A couple of times I allowed him to use my credit card as a one off and he ran up hundreds of pounds. Recently he's better and does pay me back mostly. He takes no notice of any advice anyone gives him.

Dealing with him is stressful. He has also talked to me a lot about sexual issues he has in great detail and despite the fact I’ve asked him to not to, he still does it occasionally. A while ago he told me he had feelings for his best friends wife and did I think he should tell her. I had to explain that wasn't a good idea....

I’m wondering if it would help if he was diagnosed as having learning difficulties. Would it make life easier for him? Would he feel less frustrated with life? Would employers cut him some slack? Would he get more benefits? I am concerned though that he would be very affronted at the thought of it. My parents have never, ever mentioned it either, and i’m not sure they realise in all honesty. However, I think they may be offended as well if I were to say anything. and so I’m wondering if it’s better to let sleeping dogs lie. But I worry about future as he gets older.

Would appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

I don’t know, OP. I’m in a similar position but with mental health issues rather than learning difficulties. I don’t know how helpful a diagnosis would be. It might help me feel less alone with it all. My parents help financially but they’re getting old and I dread being left to deal with my brother alone. Sorry not to be more help but with you in solidarity, anyway.

@Wnikat Oh I feel for you. Yes its a worry and a pressure isnt it now and thinking of the future. I do worry that getting it a diagnosis may make things worse but could make it better - it’s not an easy one…

So has your brother never been assessed for anything?

It sounds like it would help him - for a start he may well be able to claim benefits meaning that he wouldn't have to work!

Would he be open to the idea of an assessment?

Very difficult situation op and I think you could potentially cause huge upset even if you handle it very sensitively. At his age I'd imagine he had a pretty rough ride at school and it may make him feel picked on and derided.

A diagnosis wouldn't affect his benefits as he seems to be coping on a day to day basis - by which I mean he can go shopping, feed himself, get to places, seek medical attention, etc.

However it could make a big difference in employment scenarios. It could take him from "This bloke just doesn't want to follow instructions" to "This bloke struggles to understand verbal instructions, so we need to make sure he has a written flowchart to follow" (for example) - employers are required to make reasonable adjustments for disabilities, and if he knows what adjustments to ask for, it could really help him.

What are his interests? Is there anyway he could be self employed?

I know several people like him who have created their own businesses, mainly in computing or linked to a hobby, one is very successful and he rarely leaves his house, he does web design and advertising as well as advising others on starting their own businesses, he does it all via his computer and phone.

I get how hard it must be, I have ADHD and find it hard to hold down a job, I hate being told I’m doing something wrong even though I know with a new job I’m going to make mistakes, I feel like a huge failure if I get the slightest thing wrong or if anyone points out my mistakes, also just the stress of having any responsibility is so overwhelming. I have been self employed for a while and I don’t think I could go back to working for someone else.

You could look it up, and learn about it as much as you can. Check out if the benefits (financial and other) are worth the agro. Who you have to contact etc etc.

Then possibly have a word with your parents and see how it goes.

Even if you don’t do anything now, you have the information and know what to do if things get worse.

My DD used to know a neighbour’s child who had learning difficulties. The girl had a difficult personality, but this was caused by the problems she had, so everyone was very patient with her.

@JanglyBeads No - never been assessed.there has never been the mention in the family ever of there being an issue….

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation Yes i worry that it could make it worse even if I handle it sensitively however workwise it may help him.

@Lovemusic33 a good idea, but he has no skills really or enthusiasm for anything like that.

@sleepymum50 thank you yes I have started to look into the reality of what help he could get.

thanks everyone. Helpful to get views and even just writing it down helps!

You have to be firm with him about the sexual stuff, it is totally inappropriate for your brother to be discussing his sexual fantasies or otherwise with you.

Would he go to the GP with you? I think the first step in accessing help for him would be to get a formal diagnosis.

You can only help your own self ultimately. You are his sister; not his rescuer and or saviour here.

What was growing up with your brother like?

You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped and you're still not going to be thanked here, least of all by him given how unpleasant he has behaved towards you and others to date, for trying to do so.

Do not give any more to him than you can afford to lose emotionally speaking. You also need to stop with supporting him financially, you are not a money tree.

There is a fine line between supporting and enabling and enabling him financially neither helps you or him; it just gives you a false sense of control. Am sorry if this seems harsh but the reality is unless he himself decides to seek professional help no-one else can do this for him.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Thank you wise words as always

Yes I would suggest an asd diagnosis ask the gp. I think employers would have to look at it differently. My daughter has a autism diagnosis and I find it’s much easier to explain her needs to others now she has this. Good luck.

A difficult situation, I’m not sure if a diagnosis would be beneficial or not, and also no idea how you decide. But it might help you to speak to someone at Mencap www.mencap.org.uk. I would imagine you’re not the first person who’s approached them with this situation. There’s also www.autism.org.uk.

Also, just be aware that getting a diagnosis is a very slow process, well over 12 months on the NHS, I believe.

I volunteer in groups with people who are diagnosed with Autism and ALN (Additional Learning Needs),and although an official diagnosis for your brother may not reach any threshold for additional support through benefits it may allow him to access career support, appropriate counselling and peer support (Dependant on what is available in your area). The organisation I work with organises befriending and various groups for older clients and it is such a lifeline for them (although they are still negatively impacted by covid restrictions this will hopefully not always be the case.) A diagnosis may also benefit him to understand himself more, and it may help your dad to understand the situation with your brother. I do agree that you cannot help him if he does not want to be helped, but it sounds as though you have a good relationship and may be well placed to tentatively approach the situation with your brother and watch his response. I have family members who have autism (which is what sparked my interest in volunteering in the groups), and I believe that diagnosis has been useful to each of them in different ways, but everyone is different, and your brother may be able to get what he needs from his current support system. Whatever happens it sound like he is lucky to have you, but I feel that the pressure on you could increase uncomfortably in the coming years and you may benefit from considering options you have.

Just as an added note, around 10 years ago I was an unofficial carer (no diagnosis at the time), I went to my GP and told them my situation and was offered counselling via an organisation that specifically supported carers. This may be something that you could look into? Maybe they could help you manage the situation, and help you come to a decision about best to proceed?

This was pre-covid though. I do not know how many of these organisations are still running but it could be helpful.

@Jewel7 yes I wonder if a diagnosis would help him others understand him better as well as himself. @Sisiwawa thats something to bear in mind. Thanks
@Maytodecember thanks for links which I will look at
@User7688989 thanks your reply - really helpful

He needs to get diagnosed with stuff. Then he can claim limited capacity for work rate of UC and maybe even some PIP. And they won't try and make him work.

Even if he has a diagnosis of depression he can do this @Summer1973 , but obviously if he also has other diagnoses it'd make it easier.

Interestingly, my brother has never had a formal medical diagnosis, when he started school over 60 years ago, they decided he was 'mentally handicapped ' and was sent to a special school. He was diagnosed with severe deafness at 22, 20 years after my mother fought tooth and nail to get a medical diagnosis, she was told she was over protective. Because of the special school, when he left he got benefits and wasn't expected to work.
It was only after my mother died my sister and I discovered he was actually entitled to far more help than he was getting, largely because my mother didn't a knowledge his learning difficulties, we got social services involved, they interviewed him, with us present; I am amazed at the help he is entitled to.
He doesn't know he has learning difficulties, he just gets on with his life with loads of support, that he hardly really noticed.

Notices not noticed

Because of the special school, when he left he got benefits and wasn't expected to work.

@Hadalifeonce Interesting. My uncle's in his early 60s and he went to a 'special school.' He wasn't given any specific diagnosis at the time as far as I'm aware, and was expected to find work. I suppose there might've been different levels of 'special school,' though.

@OldFan I wasn't really 'in the know'. I remember my dad trying to get him work, my brother ended up going to a council centre.
After my mother's death, I had to speak to my brother's GP, they had nothing on his file about his learning difficulties or his deafness!

I think asking him if you could go with him to see the GP and enquire about an assessment of his needs would be a really good first step. Charities such as Mencap are able to offer help in relation to work for those with disabilities and could find a position for your brother that would suit him better.
Unfortunately, your parents will not always be there and the likelihood you will play a bigger role in his daily life in years to come. Getting a diagnosis could help you both in the long run.

Thank you for your replies. I think a visit to the GP to talk about his needs and depression as well is a good idea. I do worry about his future in particular him losing his home because he cant hold down a job.

i think its difficult for people in this age group with additional needs because things just weren’t diagnosed often at school. I know so many people with dyslexia who never realised until they were older..

Thank goodness there’s more understanding and knowledge for children growing up now.