Should I try again?

[RosePSmith]

I’ll try to keep it short. My partner of 2 years told me that my sister had messaged him to meet up when she was drunk. He told me during an argument - he was spending a lot of time at my house and I needed more time to myself and wanted some time with my adult children. He struggled with this and wanted to be at my house and sleep over 7 days a week / this led to resentment on both sides which impacted on our relationship. Back to my sister…. I later found out that she had told my mum and another sister that he had been messaging her to meet up. He denies this and says he only messaged her re birthday ideas etc. I’ve never had issues trusting him. My sister is frequently over familiar with other peoples partners which has created issues in the past. She drinks a lot and is lonely. My other sister or mum didn’t come to me to tell me. Neither he nor my sister have the messages. He says he loves me and it was wrong not to tell me but he didn’t want the drama as we were struggling to get along. This was about 6 weeks ago and he’s been seeing a counsellor. My adult children used to like him but now think he’s an ae. I feel hugely let down by all 4 of them. I want nothing more to do with the sister involved and my mum has made it all about her because I was upset and angry when I went round the day after I found out - so she / my mum is now the victim. I’ve tried to tell her that she’s hurt me but she left the room saying she didn’t want another shouting match. She’s always behaved like this and will cry or sulk to avoid taking any responsibility. It’s all a huge mess and I can’t see a way forward. I’ve been angry for 6 weeks and have refused all attempts to reconcile with him. Before all of this we would fall out a lot - the root cause being resentment over him feeling rejected and me not feeling like he respected my boundaries - he would regularly pack all his stuff up and tell me we were over. We got together during lockdown so we were in a ‘bubble’ for the first 6 months. Other than that we got along really well and had a lot in common - but got into a viscous cycle. I miss him but can’t see how it can be resolved. I’m 51.

51? Time to change the dysfunctional patterns of a lifetime I’d say

Yes I'd agree - can you explain more?

Well - bluntly - the way your family are all interacting with each other is massively dysfunctional - you’ve clearly grown up with and continued to have very dysfunctional approach’s to relationships that you are now projecting into your relationship with your ex partner

obviously you shouldn’t talk to him again. He’s a dickhead.

try and find a good therapist. And settle in for a long haul to unpick everything. Your relationship with your family will also certainly need to change - they are unlikely to.

so it really depends on whether you are up for what will be a long and hard but ultimately rewarding Process of sorting your shit out

Have you been to his place? I'm wondering why he wants to essentially move in with you 24/7 without actually officially doing so. Has he paid towards food and bills while there? It's possible he could be a cock-lodger. Also beware of anyone who is too insecure to let you have your own free time, sometimes insecure men are the ones messing around. As they are at it, they believe others must be.Overall, who wants a relationship filled with arguing?
Maybe you've been a tad dramatic with your DM, as having a shouting match with her over her small part in not mentioning what your DSis told her, seems a bit OTT. It's the sort of info a lot of people would not act on, especially when told by someone who has form for being overfriendly. It doesn't sound like a meeting happened, convenient that both have removed the texts so you'll never know the truth of it - somewhere in the middle usually, likely they both had their part.
If he continues to not respect your boundaries, better to end it anyway and now might be the opportune time. I think I'd be more inclined to let your DM off on this one, your sis not so much (if her version were true, she should of kept the texts and shown them to you at the time).

I've been to his - but as my younger son lives at home we got into the habit of him coming to mine. It wasn't a 'shouting match' when I went to my mum's that time. Sorry if this wasn't clear - I was quoting her words. She is often like this with family including my dad and cries / plays the victim to avoid taking any responsibility. She didn't ring or contact me at all to see how I was over the 6 weeks - and this is what has upset me more than her not telling me.

He has said that he understands where he has gone wrong.

And always paid his way and been generous.

Walk away from your family and partner. They are all toxic, and it doesn't sound like you trust any of them. None of them seem to have your best interests or feelings at heart.

Find other things to do. Find other people to spend time with. It can be gradual. Pull gently away from each. Take longer to respond to messages, be available a little less often. Whilst you're doing this, set up your new, none-dramatic life. What would you love to spend your time doing? Something creative? Something sporty? Something educational? Book a course or a group to attend (or 3) Start new project, just for you. Make your life yours. You are spending so much time on these people; you could be spending it on you.

You're right, it is a mess. But, as an adult, it's your responsibility to walk away from messes, to save yourself the stress of being in them.