How can I move on?

[tinkerblue0]

My f 18 boyfriend 27m and I recently broke up after 2 years together and I'm really struggling to cope without him.. We broke up because I was insecure and paranoid and I felt like he was controlling when really I think he was just trying to help me. This is going to sound awful but I feel like it's especially hard to move on because he was actually so good to me for most of our relationship so I can't even hate him you know? Which is how I usually deal with situations.. I'm in therapy but it's not helping much, I got diagnosed only last year and am still struggling to find the right meds for me. I'm sh a lot and I just cry all the time. I've lost my job, thankfully I have savings from money that was left to me by my parents so I'm doing okay with bills and stuff but I've never felt so low emotionally. Im scared I'm never going to find anyone that understood me the way he did and I hate myself for ruining everything. I have no motivation to do anything I have no friends in this city and I just feel so alone i know I need to get a grip and there's people struggling so much more than me but I just needed to vent today

I don't think I put it in the post but I have borderline personality disorder

Op, I’m not really an expert on relationships but why don’t you give more information about what you felt was controlling - because you might be right.

My gut feeling tells me that a 27 year old man could be abusing an 18 year old, especially if they are vulnerable. I am sorry for the loss of your parents. Abusers don’t abuse all the time, but even a small amount is unacceptable l.

Lots of people that try to help are controlling.
Don't let yourself be defined by a BPD diagnosis, it's usually perfectly understandable trauma responses and your brain trying to keep you safe.
If you felt controlled then you may have been controlled, especially with that age gap.

Find your thing. Focus on making connections with people your own age and having fun. Go to a festival alone or plan a holiday somewhere alone and test out your capabilities. Each time you learn something new you will feel more confident in yourself and increase your self esteem.

When your thoughts get overwhelming write them down. If you were my daughter (she's 16 so not far off) I'd be advising you to use these years to travel, adventure, make friends and not to focus on romantic love (especially as BPD and attachment disorder are so closely linked).

Also BPD isn't life long. The majority of people diagnosed with it are perfectly secure by the time they're in their early 30s. Don't let it define you.

Oh op I went though this at a very similar age and I also think I've probably got bpd

When things have got really bad in life I've found a fresh start has been the best thing for me

Is there any chance you can move somewhere new?

Skip dating for a while until you feel better