Wanting me to move on & "I'm sorry but..."

[yellowcourgette]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking for some advice. Whenever I argue with my family, and particularly my mum, I find it extremely hard to get a resolution. The answer is always "I'm tired of this, I don't want to talk about it anymore" or "I want us all to move on". If they are in the wrong (they believe they are never wrong) and I need an apology, they always have to trump it with something else so that they are then the ones who are upset with me.

An example: I am visiting home and my mum has accused me of stealing things three times. Also, we sometimes work together (I will be stopping this) and I asked her for my agreed share from the work I did (I did separate work, but invoiced through her, but I also helped her out a lot for free). She then tried to not give it to me because she felt she undercharged the company for her part. This was not my fault and I stuck up for myself. We had an argument; I said I was upset of incorrectly being accused of stealing, and found it upsetting being undermined in my work, and instead of apologising, my mum ends up screaming and crying at me about the state of the house and how she has to do everything (I don't live here). They have since left, and she sent me a text saying she hates fighting and wants to move on. I politely suggested an apology and then got blamed for continuing to fight, saying it was a shame I couldn't move on.

We also had a family holiday to visit my sister, and I was badly bullied by her. I ended up very mentally unwell and leaving parts of the trip to avoid conflict. They acknowledged her behaviour but were supportive in the absolute minimum way, but told me to bottle it up until I got home so that everyone could enjoy their holiday. I've since asked to speak about it to get closure, but the answer is now that I have to move on and forget it all. Now I'm the one in the wrong for dragging it out and being upset. I can't do this.

Sorry, this is long, but my point is that I cannot do this. I can't just "move on" from hurtful things that have been done to me because someone tells me to. I can't just switch off my feelings because they are inconvenient or annoying to someone else.

I appreciate that I may have a different relationship with my parents than others. I get treated like a child despite being 36. I sometimes need emotional and physical support from them as I have anxiety and ADHD, but I am finding this now difficult to get and trips home usually end up in me being treated poorly. I cannot and don't want to cut off contact.

Through therapy I am learning that I have to stick up for myself but when I do this the shit hits the fan as above. How do I get the apologies or resolutions I need? Has anyone got any advice as to how to navigate this and not end up feeling resentful and harbouring pain?

You need to accept you have the family you've got, not the one you want. Arguments in my family are a bit like yours. Everyone shouts at each other and then it's forgotten about/ignored the next day. Yes we are dysfunctional. But it is what it is. I've tried to talk to family about it, tried to get apologies etc. But it doesn't happen and never will TBH. You can't change people but you can change how you deal with it.

The best way of dealing with it IMO is to reduce contact and avoid situations etc. Stop working with your mum. Don't go on holiday with your family. Have the bare minimum of contact. Don't stay with them when you visit. The less they are in your life, they less they can hurt you.

You won't get the apologies. You just won't.

Your focus needs to be on how you can minimise the opportunity for these situations to arise. These might include reducing contact, grey rock techniques etc.

But mainly to have to work on yourself and accepting that you won't receive the apologies. Reducing your engagement with conversations that are likely to end this way. Find yourself separate work.

Basically, learn to roll your eyes and walk away...

The family you want and need, simply just don't exist.

They won't ever give you what you need, if they wanted, and we're going to change they would do, they are showing you who they are. Dead horses and flogging springs to mind.

Rather than concentrating your efforts into changing them, put this energy into getting a good councillor and work through the issues there.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with them rather than the one you actually got. That is part of the healing process.

Ask yourself too why you do not want to cut off contact with such people who accuse you of things you have not done. Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no and they are no different. Deal with any fear, obligation and guilt you have to these people through seeing a BACP registered therapist.

These types as well never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. It’s always someone else’s fault, never their own. You do not need their approval either, not that they would ever give it to you anyway.

Some people cannot ever be wrong, their low self esteem just doesn't allow it. Accept your mum may have low self esteem, take a step back and lower your expectations. There is no point hoping for people to behave in ways you know they can't/won't. Alternatively you say you have ADHD, so it's possible she is also ND, she just may not be able to put herself in your shoes and see where you're coming from. Her getting upset about the house could also be related to this - things get more out of control when you are there, her routine is affected, there is more stuff around and she feels overwhelmed by it all and it ends in a meltdown.

Whatever the case at the end of the day you can't change other people only yourself. You know her behaviour, you know where the issues lie, you know you are not going to get resolutions for past problems. You need to concentrate on the bits that do work and avoid situations that are likely to cause issues, maybe keep communication more long distance, chat on the phone, keep things light and more superficial. Don't allow yourself to get drawn into arguments.

Thanks everyone. It is so upsetting to accept and they just don't understand. I have already accepted that I probably won't speak to my sister again (my identical twin for god's sake) but instead of accepting this and offering my kindness my parents just say things like "you are making us feel awful by arguing" and "we didn't realise you like this" and "you are breaking out hearts". Which obviously makes me feel wonderful and makes the situation loads better.

It's like I have to manage my emotions to make them feel better all the time, and they can't cope with me being upset with them.

Sorry.. didn't raise, not realise

The thing is, they do understand though.
that's the difficult thing to accept. That's why we tell ourselves that they just dont get it.

They totally get it. They just don't care. They don't care that you are hurting. They would rather 'win' and you broken than 'lose' and you healed.

If you don't want to cut contact then you have to be prepared to literally leave the room/building whenever they start their mind games. Of course, thar will still cause them to kick off NEXT time you see them. So really, you can't win.

I know you love them. But it really is a choice imo, do you choose love for them or love for yourself. Personally id hope I'd find the strength to day 'you know what, I choose me over anyone who treats me with contempt'

Sadly they’ve worked out that it’s easier to not pay you than charge the client more or placate your sister rather than you.

Family dynamics are weird and I don’t have an easy fix for you. I really don’t think you will find the support you are looking for there. Have a look at grey rock and try to take a big step back - your anxiety may actually improve!

'I sometimes need emotional and physical support from them as I have anxiety and ADHD'

Have you ever wondered whether they are the ones who are causing your anxiety in the first place? They way they continually blame you for upsetting them is one such example, and their refusal to listen to you or acknowledge your feelings is another.

Absolutely this.

They are who they are.
They will not change.
They have no wish to change.

You accept the above and step away OR you accept a life of drama, bad behaviour, lying, bullying and general upset.

These are your choices.

You shouldn't be involved with working with your mother, she is clearly dishonest and will deliberately rip you off.
Stop working with her.

Stop seeing your sister.

See a lot less of your parents.
When you do see them, make it brief.

Pay no attention to their efforts to guilt you, that is their issue.

You have power here to choose your path.

You have to accept that if you choose to be closely involved with them, drama willbe a large part of your life too.

Your sister is the Golden Child and you are the Scapegoat. Look it up, and I think you will see that it fits.

just looking for some advice before I make the decision. I’ve posted before about my husband who I’ve been separated for over a year now. He got into a relationship in November and it’s taken me a lot of work to get where I am now .
I had contact with him over a few things and we have managed to be civil to each other ,he messaged last week about his accountant and said it would be nice to have a catch up soon , I heard that he wanted a divorce so said I hear you want a divorce and I would give him the marriage certificate so he can sort it , he said no not at all he doesn’t want a divorce. We said we would meet up this week and he said he doesn’t want it broadcasted and it’s between us . Im not sure if I should go now , part of me thinks it will be closure but what if I meet him and I go back to where I was in November.

Sorry didn’t mean to post on your thread , was trying to start my own 🙄