At odds with my DH over PIL

[FruitLoopDeLoop]

I have been with my DH for over 30 years and we are both in our 50's. For the whole duration of this time, I have not had a good relationship with my in-laws, in particular his mum.

The things my MIL says to people, including her own DC, are very nasty, and damaging. His mum is also a game player and very controlling. There are too many things to list here, but take it from me, she is very dangerous.

So, as my MIL has aged she has changed roles from toxic bully to ageing, frail victim with Madonna status, who cannot be upset by anyone. In the past my DH has admitted that his mum is nasty, but he never did anything about it, making it more difficult for me to stand up for myself. Now, however, he feels really sorry for her as she is getting old and frail (not so).

Here is where the "at odds" are coming through. My DH wants to visit them more and do things for them, whereas I am the complete opposite. I am older and wiser now and I feel that his mum is not good for my MH. I hold deep resentment and a massive grudge toward her. I do not want to hang out with her or his extended family who sat by and let her treat me that way and even stood up for her when I pulled her up in the past.

When I rarely see MIL, I am friendly and polite whereas she is offhand with me. For example, she always comments that she is not invited over anymore, or included in things, and these things are always directed at me, not DH. It's my fault.

My DH is upset as his parents are coming over tomorrow to drop something off. It is my one day off before a stretch of 6 working days and I have plans. Why can't he see his parents on his own? I think this is perfectly normal. I see mine on my own and my brothers visit my parents on their own all the time. Why do I need to be there? DH doesn't want to upset his mum as she is ageing and frail (she's really not) but I have zero empathy or compassion for the woman.

I can see this being an issue in the future as my DH can see that I just don't care whereas he has gone the opposite way, which I understand as it is his family. I don't voice any of this to him, but he knows as I make zero effort with them now, whereas before I treated them the same way I treated my own family.

You met your husband when you were in your 20's. You probably did not realise what type of person your mil really was and you tired to get along with her. Then she said and did things that were mean/nasty ect. Your husband has sat back for years and let her do this to you.
No wonder you don't want to have anything to do with your mil.

For years she been causing issues and let get away with it by everyone. Now she's getting older she is playing up that she's is frail and needs help. The reality is that she wants things done for her and more attention. Your husband wants you to do more things for her. Your right not to do things for her now because in time you be expected to drive her to appointments and do more care work. Nor should you change your plans to suit her with either.

One of my friends has a toxic mil. My friend was always nice to her but over time she saw her true colours.
One day she rang my friend looking for her son. He was not there but my friend said I will get him to call you when he is home.
Mil never hung up her phone and then decided to tell the people she was with just how horrible my friend is. My friend heard all that was said about her. After that my friend told her husband his mother was no longer welcome in her house. Her husband went to his mother's house, had words and told his mother this.
Now a few years later his mother has altizmers. My friend has no involvement with her care. She was asked one day to bring mil to an appointment but she said she was to busy.

Your mil has behaved this way for years. Your not willing to put up with her behaviour. Nor are you going to take her treating you badly. Unlike her family and your husband your not going to play the game to suit her. This woman has never been pulled up on her behaviour. I have seen woman like her and they get worse as they get older.

In your case I have as little as possible to do with your mil. I would also tell your husband that your sick of him never sticking up for you with her.
I let your husband know as well that your to busy to help his mother out and it his job to do this.

Who cares what she feels and thinks? She clearly doesn't respect you and doesn't even care to hide it. So treat her the same. No need to be polite with her when she is awful to you? Give it back to her, you are not beneath her that you need to worship the ground she walks on. I would go out and make it very clear to dh that this is what you will be doing going forward- protecting your MH. Who cares if she is old and ill? Doesn't mean she has lost her nasty streak. And doesn't older mean knowing better, which clearly doesn't work with her. You have paid your dues for 30 years too long.