Not a cry for help

[stillvicarinatutu]

But

I seriously fucked my life up 8 years ago. I left my dh of 25 years , moved into a rental . Massive midlife crisis as we'd been together since I was 15.

I met someone else and that was a disaster. Lasted 5 years but abusive with a dead baby to show for that relationship. He's moved on , met someone with a child (he wanted kids ) and they've moved in .
My ex husband has met someone .i skint myself to pay our debts but that finishes in a year thank god . My dd is 25 and thinks I'm the bad guy despite trying to explain I'm paying all of our debt off . She won't get married because we aren't together.

Had two very brief liaisons from online dating which ended weirdly fast and badly .

I'm now 50 . Live alone .daughter resents me . Son is adult and autistic and living his life abroad .

It has occurred to me I'm worth far more dead than alive .
I'm miserable and alone . Skint .hate my job and hate my life .

If I died , my dh mortgage would be paid off , he would get 100k on top of this from my life insurance and the kids would get 20k . Ex husband is seeing someone . Ex partner is living with someone with a child the age ours would have been .

I've been alone now for 3 years with only two dalliances from on mine dating that went no where .

I know I'm goi g to be alone now .
And that's fine .

But I stopped smoking and drinking. Why !!!?
If I die I'm worth so much more to everyone! I've fucked up so much they should t wanna know me anymore. Alive I'm nothing to them . Dead I'm worth about 70 k mortgage, 120k life insurance, 90k pension.

I could make several lives a lot better and mine is really really worthless.

Wwyd?

Tell your DD to grow up. Cash in your pension. Sell your house and go and have some fun.

Could you go on a cruise or something like that?

Why would you leave hundreds of thousands of pounds to them? They aren't looking after you.

They're all I have .

I am so sorry for all the things you have been through.

Wwyd?

I would get some counselling. Then move on with your life.

You are the main person in your life. You are more important than money!

Maybe your daughters needs to grow up a bit more to realize that you made choices about your life and although she doesn't agree, and maybe things did not work out as you had hoped, you are an adult and you are free to make choices.

I can't sell house . Dh won't get another mortgage and he can't afford to buy me out . He would be homeless and my dd lives there so that's not an option .

He's seeing someone so I need
To talk to him about finances at some point.

Dd doesn't realise I've been paying his IVA as well as my own for last 5 years. One year left . Then We are all debt free . I earn a lot more so I've paid the majority and it was me that left so didn't feel right to make anyone else suffer.

"They're all I have ."

Then re-build the relationships with the people you wish to, visit your son, make peace with your daughter is you can. make new friends.

Find new interests.

Please do not give up, you are the only one of you in the world.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but please remember that there must have been a reason you ended the marriage in the first place.
DD still needs some time but she’s an adult and will one day come to understand things better. I think you need to see a gp and have a chat about your mental health. It sounds like you’re at breaking point and seem lonely. Have you got any friends around to support you?

"Dh won't get another mortgage and he can't afford to buy me out . He would be homeless and my dd lives there so that's not an option .
He's seeing someone so I need
To talk to him about finances at some point."

I am curious, are you still in love with your ex, or wanting to get back with him?

"Dd doesn't realise I've been paying his IVA as well as my own for last 5 years. One year left . Then We are all debt free "

Please do tell your adult daughter that you are paying still to provide a home for her so that you have been paying.

I think she needs to know you are not the baddie here. Although it is common for kids to feel sad if parents split up. She was already almost an adult when you broke up.

I've tried all that .

Social circle, started yoga , joined a walking group ,

I hate my life . I struggle to get out of bed . I'm taking antidepressants. I hate getting up . I've been working from home and I just take my laptop to bed . Soon I have to go back to office- dreading it.

My life is very bleak. I've tried -really tried to improve it . I don't feel any different. I'm having counselling. I can't tell the counsellor how I feel because she will
Report it to work.

Bottom line is I'm worth a lot more to the people that matter to me dead than alive . That's quite a realisation.

Dd doesn't realise I've been paying his IVA as well as my own for last 5 years

Then tell her!

No idea why you have been doing that anyway.

Dh won't get another mortgage and he can't afford to buy me out . He would be homeless

Not your problem.

my dd lives there so that's not an option

Your DD is 25. She's old enough to move out and rent her own place. And she should be at that age.

Stop putting yourself at the bottom of the pile. No wonder your self-esteem is shredded. You have allowed everyone to walk all over you.

Talk to your GP, get some counselling and make a plan.

You can do this.

I'm having counselling. I can't tell the counsellor how I feel because she will
Report it to work.

She cannot do that. Your counselling is confidential. But glad to hear you are having some. Would you feel better with a different counsellor? Doesn't sound like you trust her much.

Everyone makes choices in life that perhaps on reflection they shouldn't. We've all made mistakes. All of us. Things that we could have done & should have done better.

What I hear from your post is that you care. You care enough to make sure your EXDH and daughter are housed. That the the debt is paid.

Try to accept your past and learn from it. You can use it to be a better person. You don't have to be tied to the mistakes.

There's nothing to say that if you hadn't left your marriage that it would have stood the test of time. Any number of things could have happened.

You can't move forward when you're looking back. x

p.s your worth is not a financial amount. Money can't buy a Mum.

First of all sounds like you need to forgive yourself for the past
I know many who are incomplete with their past and divorces
but you made those choices for a good reason! No today it doesn’t feel like it worked out …
but would it have been better if you stayed ?

then get yourself to the GP
tske what they offer
you are thinking you’d be better off dead
that’s major
tell them this x

we’ve all been there , I have
SSRI help

then , you are going to have to do the hard work ….
all shit we get told to do … it works
eat right
exercise
try new things
connect with people
get into the air
read the right books

its horrible to feel like this
and hard work to get to feeling better
but it’s possible

I wish you the best x

I remember you Vicar. You have been through a really terrible time.

Tell your daughter you've been paying off her father's debts for him. She needs to know what you have been doing to support her (and him).

What I would do is keep paying off my own debt and tell your ex to pay the remainder of his. Then use that money to access long-term psychotherapy.

Group psychotherapy literally saved my life. It changed everything for the better. That's my rationale for saying I would do that.

You're a poster I remember because you offered so much support to others. Show yourself some of the compassion you give so generously - you deserve it and need it. You're worth so much more than money.

25 years old isn't that mature really which I know a lot of people would argue with me on this but I'm exactly 35 and when I was 25, I wasn't speaking to my dad at all with all toxic shit he did to our family. 10 years on, I've moved on, accepted this and realised it wasn't the right marriage and I wish my parents divorced when we were much younger. They are much better without each other and he is a good dad actually and a awesome grandad where ds wants to see him all the time. I'm 10 years older than your daughter and a lot of things have happened to me like marriage and having kids etc and you do evolve and look at situations from a different perspective as time goes on, so I'm sure your daughter wouldn't feel the same in a few years time about you. One day your daughter might walk in your shoes and it might knock some sense in her and she will become more understanding and accepting.

Just because things haven't worked out for you doesn't mean you have made the wrong choice and you do matter in this world, hence why there are people on this thread offering advice to you because they care about you and we don't even know you. You sound like a caring person and you will never know what tomorrow will bring. Please don't be harsh on your self, you do matter.

This.

Don’t give up, OP. In my 40s I felt like you, didn’t want to go on. But kept plodding on. Then eventually better things happened, I seized new chances, met people who enriched my life. And then the bad times were over and I had survived them.

You can do the same, OP. I hope things start looking up soon.

25 years old isn't that mature really

Seriously?

It depends how you were brought up. I was independent at 18. Maturity had nothing to do with it as finding somewhere else to live or staying at the family home was not a 'choice'.

At 25, you should have a full-time job, rent your own place, and pay your own bills. Not expect Mummy to keep paying for them even though she's at the end of her tether.

Why aren’t you divorced?

Your H and your DD are adults and that means taking financial responsibility for themselves. Your guilt for leaving does no one any favours, especially your Ex and your DD. By paying off the debt alone, you’ve probably enabled a certain amount of denial which will probably translate into not learning from past mistakes. How long do you expect the money from your death to last? I suspect it would be pissed up a wall before the worms would have their fill.

Don’t dismiss leaving your H simply as a mid life crisis. Just because leaving didn’t turn out how you wanted, didn’t make leaving a bad idea. Start being kind to yourself and that means doing all you can to be well. Guilt is such a bad reason to do anything because it keeps you stuck.

Life insurance won't pay out for suicide