worries about feelings re moving in

[wonderingwanderer2]

Hi everyone,

I am quite an anxious person in relationships, and in general (my dad says I'm not happy unless I'm worrying about something!) so I am aware that my anxiety around this may be misplaced, but I've had excellent advice on here before so I just thought I'd see what you guys thought.

My anxiety has been sparked by my friend asking if my boyfriend and I are planning on moving in together anytime soon - we aren't.

We have been together for 15 months - I am 32 and he is 33. He lives in a 2 bedroom shared ownership flat, of which he owns 75% and I live in a (very small) 2 bedroom house 30 mins away. We tend to see each other Saturday-Sunday as we are both busy in the week - he plays sport for various clubs and I tend to see friends on weekday evenings. Occasionally we will see each other during the week too, but weekends generally work best for us. We do go on holidays together for 8-10 days at a time.

I am aware that at our ages and stages of life, a lot of people would have moved in together by now, but I do not feel that urgency. We are both quite independent and happy and settled in our respective properties - neither of us has lived with a partner before, although he has a housemate and if I'm honest, I enjoy my own company and routines.

If either of us was to move into each other's at the moment, I feel that we would be on top of each other and that it could be detrimental to the relationship, especially as we are both WFH most of the time. Things are good at the moment so, as the saying goes 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'. We have spoken about the future in vague terms and, whilst we both would like marriage (and children if possible) in the future, this wouldn't be financially possible at the moment. If we were to move in together into a bigger place we would obviously have to sell our respective properties. Despite being small, my house is worth a lot of money due to its location and I would be reluctant to sell as I have read a lot on mumsnet about having a property/finances as a safety net for if relationships don't work out (I don't earn a lot). I have also seen friends who have been left in difficult situations after selling their properties to move in with boyfriends and have it not work out.

This relationship has moved at a relatively slow pace and I feel ok about that but, I suppose society's expectations are making me question things. Should we have moved in together by now? Should we be talking about it/planning it? Or is it okay to just go with the flow? In my last relationship I was very keen to talk about the future and pushed for moving in together but I can see now that this was a way of trying to ascertain my then boyfriend's commitment as he was extremely avoidant and I just don't feel that I need to rush things now. But is that a sign that it's not the right relationship? I'm very confused!

Hi, I think you have the balance just right and you both seem v happy with it, so why push things?!
More women should think like you! It's great (and v important) to keep your own property and independence and you're enjoying the pace, while being very sensible, with a rough plan for the future.
Don't worry about what anyone else thinks.
Not living together means you both make an effort, enjoy your time together and have your own lives, friends and hobbies.
Stay as you are as long as you like!

At the grand old age of 48 I’ve learnt that

happiness is hard to come by for so many
if you are happy then that’s a beautiful thing

and that I’m bored of hetero normative norms being pushed on people
it’s 2022 and the world has changed so much
so fuck what your friends think
and you stay happy

Ah thanks ladies, this was just what I needed to hear - I really appreciate you taking the time to reassure me

Tell your friend you have no intention of living with him for at least another 7 years. What's it got to do with her. Every day I read on here stories where the man is being a twat, half of them would be avoided if they didn't live together. It's always a woman letting a man move in within a year of knowing each other.

Anxiety is amplified by thinking you 'should' be doing things differently from how you want to do them. Question yourself about where the 'should' comes from. Who do you think decides how you should run your life? Who you think decides what decisions you should make? Who decides what should make you happy?

The answer is that there is no higher authority. There is no 'right' way to do life. You are in charge. You are responsible. You are in control. Your feelings are what dictates what you should do. Your feelings are the authority you 'should' respect. Your feelings are in charge of your life, so if something makes you feel anxious, you should think twice before doing it. If something makes you feel good, you should do it more. Obviously we have to apply common sense ('Eating ice cream makes me feel good, so I'm going to do it all day every day' obviously needs to be mitigated) but our job is to shepherd our feelings as if they are little delicate creatures, or children. So if eating ice cream makes you happy, eat ice cream! But not so much that it makes you poorly. If living apart from your boyfriend makes you happy, live apart from your boyfriend! There's no negative side effect to that, and no pressure to do otherwise.

One of the best and most profound pieces of advice I ever got was 'Do what you want'. It sounds so superficial, but it's the difference between a happy life and a miserable, anxious one of doing what you think someone/something else wants.

I wouldn't worry to much about the question from your friend - if you are both happy then do what feels comfortable.

In the end if you both want to commit to marriage and a family then having a "fallback" is not something you will be worried about