Advice / tips for leaving

[dw3]

Hi,

I've read a lot of posts for a long time but I've never posted myself until now.

There is so much to say but I'm going to try and keep it brief and to the point. I'm looking for some practical advice.

I'm late twenties and have been with my fiancé for 10 years. We rent our house and don't have any children.

After a long time of thinking, a lot of anti depressants, and things getting progressively worse over the last few years, I've decided to leave him. I've thought about it a lot but it overwhelms me. But he's making my life so so stressful I just don't feel like I have a choice.

He is nasty, and quite frankly he terrifies me. He has a temper problem and if it's not aimed at me I'm caught in the cross fire. He's never hit me, but he says the most hurtful things. I'm called a c**t, and all the other names you can think of, so often, things are thrown, the house is smashed up. He said once that it was because he wanted to hit me but knew he couldn't 🙁 I've found dating apps, Escort searches (maybe uses, who knows). I feel so stupid and embarrassed writing it all down.

I've started looking at flats, I'm in an ok job, full time and I can afford to leave, although it will be a bit tight.

It's more practical advice. I don't know how to tell him, or when. Do I find somewhere first? If I do that, he'll think I've been secretive and that will probably make him angry, but if I don't then I'm not prepared? Should I sit down and tell him that's what I'm going to do? I've never done that before so do I need to? I don't argue back when he's cross, so I've not been in a position to say it before.

It's more of a switch flip moment from me. I just can't do it anymore.

I'm organised and can be flexible with work, I just feel a bit overwhelmed by all the things I might have to do that I haven't thought about.

Just want it to be as smooth as possible, although I know that's probably optimistic.

Thank you for reading x

Ime you leave when he is at work.
I left a note - because we had dc. Of we hadn't I would have just gone.

Well done on deciding to get out.
I personally think you should have a friend or relative with you or at least in the house when you speak to him if he's been so verbally aggressive and been physically destructive in the house before. It's not worth the risk of you talking to him alone and being hurt.

Do you have a friend or family you could stay with temporarily?

I would start looking for flats now, but aim to stay with family/friend if possible as a bridge in case there's a wait until you can get into the flat.

I don't think you should risk delaying leaving/splitting too much as the situation really sounds worrying.

@Hotenoughtoburnasausage Thank you. Do you know what I would do about the house? How I would deal with the tenancy without it coming back on me?

You need to move out your irreplaceable things now, leave them with friends/family. Include your passport and financial papers.
Get a flat ready, then move out when he is at work one day.
If you are ever scared of him, call the police immediately.

@Cyberworrier thank you. Yes, I have friends and family really near by. I just feel a bit embarrassed, I haven't told anyone yet. I have a pet that could be problematic with their pets, but I'm sure it can be worked around. I don't know what are reasonable considerations 😳

Could your pet temporarily go in kennels/cattery ?

@KangarooKenny probably, she's not been in one before but I guess if I had to she'd be OK? She has an immune condition but that is well manged with a tablet once a day. I could check that with her vet though. That's a good idea, thank you.

Sorry I keep thinking of things.

Would you leave all the furniture etc? I don't want it but don't want it come back on me from the landlord if he becomes problematic and leaves it. I do everything around the house, so if I'm not there it won't get sorted.

If you can afford to furnish your own flat then leave it. So sorry you're going through this but well done for getting out! Xx

@nbrown2022x thank you. It feels a bit overwhelming at the moment, I didn't sleep at all last night.

Luckily a lot of the flats I've seen are furnished, and I don't mind giving everything a clean, so I'm going to go down that route, and just give everything a freshen up!😊

Good on you, I would play my cards as close to my chest as possible for as long as possible. He is not your friend, he's not going to make it easier for you. Don't sit him down and tell him, yes he might think you've been secretive, but he's going to be angry either way and you need to be well out of the way when it happens.

I would get all your important documents together now and anything of value, and keep the bag at your parents.

Line up a flat if you feel like you can do it and keep it from him, (if not then organise someone to stay with that you trust in the interim), then wait until you get the keys, get up in the morning like usual and wait until he goes out, pack, and leave. I'd get a new phone and share the new number with the people you want to have it, so you can switch the old one off.

I'd also go into the local police station and speak to them about the situation, tell them what's been going on and that you're planning on leaving on xx date and you'd like it logged that he's violent and abusive and you have concerns. They should advise you to stick a 999 in if you feel worried, and they'll have a log on your address.

Good luck, you can do this

I know it's really hard but try to not be embarrassed. I'm in a similar boat, having had to leave my husband (mid 30s, no children). People have been extremely kind and understanding and as I just saw someone say on a different thread, women don't just suddenly up and leave without good reason.

Please do open up to your loved ones, they will want to help and it will make it so much easier. Pretending things are ok when they clearly aren't isn't helping anyone.

You will find a way with your pet. A friend had her cat in one room for a few days when she left her cheating partner as it didn't get on with her mums cats.

Re furniture and stuff- as a PP says get your valuables and important docs out now. With furniture, I would say worry about that later. Keep your keys and go with family/friend and van and remove your stuff while he is at work. Or if he's there, explain you're there to collect your belongings. Hire storages until you've found a flat.

I also think you should have everything in place then tell him. Have a friend of family member wait outside just in case he's volatile. You don't owe him anything at this point, and he doesn't deserve an ounce of your energy anymore!

Re the flat you are currently renting, are you on the tenancy? Is your (ex)-partner? Do you know what the notice period is?

You will need to get yourself off the tenancy if you don't want to remain liable for the rent. This may mean handing in notice - which will apply to both you and your ex so he will have to renegotiate with the landlord if he wants to remain in the property. This could cause some issues for him so I suggest you get yourself fully informed about your rights and responsibilities in respect of the tenancy. If money is an issue you may want to work out the notice period whilst staying with family/friends before taking on a new tenancy. You'll also have to decide what to do about deposit returns etc which your ex may be awkward about.

@oviraptor21 thank you, I'm going to have to get some advice on that.

We're both on the tenancy, one month notice period as we've been here for a few years. Our landlord would let him stay but I don't think he could afford the rent and bills on his own. The deposit is fine, he paid that and I paid the first month's rent, so that's all his anyway.

I was a landlord for years and I’ve had tenants ask to be removed as one was leaving the other. I’ve always agreed to it BUT your partner would know about this ( as he’d have to sign a new agreement as sole tenant) so my advice would be
Talk to a solicitor first, ring around or look online for a free 30 minute chat. Have your questions written down so you get everything in in the 30 minutes.
Who paid the deposit? If you paid 50% are you willing to lose this?
Do not tell your partner you’re leaving. DV charities always say this is this highest risk time for violence. It’s safer to leave and sort out tenancies etc.. afterwards.
If you can stay with family/ friend initially this might be safer if you think he will come to find you.
Your pet— try the Cinnamon Trust, they have volunteers who foster pets when owners are ill / lose their homes / divorce.
Good luck.

How are you doing OP? Have you made any progress with your plans? Best wishes

@Cyberworrier sorry for not getting back to you! Yesterday was a bad day. Broken mugs and plates, and then apologies today. I haven't made any progress, I just feel drained today.

Flats are coming up on Rightmove quickly but going just as fast, I think people are going for them without viewing so I might have to start doing that.

Ahh dear. Hoping something will come up soon.

Thank you for checking in on me 😊

No worries OP and I'm sorry you've had a rough 24 hours. Could you move to a friends so you can get out sooner and then find a flat? You will probably be much more able to function when out of this environment and find it easier to find somewhere. I really hope you get out soon, it's frightening being in a situation like the one you describe.

I asked for relationship counselling, and said it was that or nothing. I knew I wanted to leave, but I felt I should offer this first (and I felt it softened the blow). I also got myself into the headspace where I was ready to argue rather than just keep quiet as usual.

He said no, then yes then no again to therapy. After a couple more rows (he just had to be so nasty) he ended up texting me that we should separate.

Yessssss!

Sorry again for the delayed response, things have been really rubbish this week 👎 he is working long days next week, so I have spoken to my friends, and I'm going to move things to theirs and then stay there until I can find somewhere.

I've also told my parents but unfortunately they live too far away for me to make it work with work. They're there though, if I need them and have been amazing moral and emotional support.

I've applied for two flats but missed out to couples both times. I don't blame the landlord I'd do the same!

Thanks again everyone for your advice. Hoping everything goes smoothly next week and I can begin to move on :)

After been married for 40 years most of them being unhappy. My husband constantly knit picks, disagrees and generally makes me feel stressed and miserable. By nature I am a friendly outgoing thoughtful person. But that seems to be a personality that makes him unhappy. I have thought of leaving for years now but have worked all my life to make a nice home. I haven't wanted my children to come from a broken home. I know have young grandchildren that we both love. I've made their bedrooms lovely and my grandaughter especially feels secure and loves staying here. But I need to do something, I have worked hard to make our house a home. My husband has always complained whenever I wanted to update the house. But he won't leave and I'm worried what to do next.

Good luck OP!

I hope you find a flat soon - word of mouth is always good so please tell your close friends and family, they may know people with property or estate agents for a heads up plus they can help with your pet and your packing. Take care in the meantime xx

Thanks for the messages everyone.

Just a little update - I left a week after my last message, when he was at work. It will be 6 months on Sunday!

I found a house share with a lovely landlord, and I'm very happy there (with the cat).

It has been a difficult 6 months but I am so much happier and so so glad I left.

For anyone debating doing the same, do it. It is the best decision I made and I would never go back 🩷