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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

mum has old fashioned offensive views

12 replies

flusteredand · 25/07/2022 20:00

I accept she was born at a time when 1/4 of an atlas would be coloured pink much to the delight of school kids who were drummed into thinking they were some superior beings who deserved to rule over everyone else
not to mention extremely Un PC terms they used and gender expectations.

I thought during the holiday I'll bring mum over into my house where I a single mum have two lads (19&21) who are growing up and finding their way around life.
The 21 yr old drinks and sometimes gets into let's say "bother" on nights out with his mates. I stay up during the night worried sick.
When I tell mum he's been in another fist fight.
She says to him as he walks in "well look who it is, boys will be boys" and smiles like he's conquered everest. How can I give him a ticking off if nan says it's acceptable for men to fight for a "ladies honour" or fighting is ok.

and I bleeding hate this one.

"You are now the man of the house" and "your mother needs a man around to help her".

She has certain views on certain communities which I dare not print here.
She sits in the arm chair all day and it's always long meandering stories how "1950's were the best and how England was still England "whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. And the amount of time I've heard stuff about the war and how fabulous Churchill is I just walk out.
I was being kind so she can spend the summer with us as my lad drives and loves her to bits. we want to take her places before she gets too ill.
But if she's says half the things when we are outdoors we will get beaten up! Also my boys are getting poor lessons off her

Aside from a strong sellotape what's the solution here? Its too late to change her she will argue with u till the cows come home.

OP posts:
Eleusa · 25/07/2022 20:07

Well, in terms of your sons, perhaps your problem is also your solution. I'm sure they don't agree with her racist views, so you can tell them that just as those views are wrong and offensive, so are her views on "boys will be boys" and being "the man of the house". I don't imagine she holds much sway with them.

I wouldn't stand for her saying racist stuff etc. However, I might be more understanding of the nostalgia etc- not agree with it but ask her about it- and try to find common ground eg if she's pro-Churchill you can talk about fighting the Nazis and how wrong their views were.

flusteredand · 25/07/2022 20:16

Eleusa · 25/07/2022 20:07

Well, in terms of your sons, perhaps your problem is also your solution. I'm sure they don't agree with her racist views, so you can tell them that just as those views are wrong and offensive, so are her views on "boys will be boys" and being "the man of the house". I don't imagine she holds much sway with them.

I wouldn't stand for her saying racist stuff etc. However, I might be more understanding of the nostalgia etc- not agree with it but ask her about it- and try to find common ground eg if she's pro-Churchill you can talk about fighting the Nazis and how wrong their views were.

Lol don't get her started on the war! She'll talk both you left and right arms off. She likes Churchill and hates Hitler and his Nazis which is far enough. But modern Germany isn't going to take over Europe with the EU. She's massively anti Europe and stereotypical.

But all in all the 19 year old is dumb as post and doesn't understand what she's on about and the older one smiles and gives her sarcastic answers or "nan! Nan ! We don't call them that anymore !"

Both my son's are extremely anti racist and it's not even an issue as they grew up in a mixed part of London and have friends from all over.
But nana gosh is some work!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 25/07/2022 20:31

Hell I'm all I'm all guys fighting for a girls honour if and when required. Highly doubt thats the reason a 19 year old gets in a rammy outside a nightclub at 4am though.

As for the racism and other 'old fashioned' views. Ugh. I know your pain from the odd family member of my own. Its useless trying to 'teach' them otherwise. You think you've made progress and then they take 5 steps back and your stood feeling like someone's just slapped you in the face.

I'm at the point where 'agree to disagree' and leaving the room isn't even working anymore as they seem to just amp it up. Sometimes you have to ask yourself if thryre just fucking miserable people who want everyone else to be a miserable as them. Limit contact as best you can.

JustJeans · 25/07/2022 20:45

Time for her to go home.

AlternativelyWired · 25/07/2022 20:49

0/10. Make better use of your holidays.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 25/07/2022 20:52

God OP I feel your pain. My parents used to be pretty liberal and open minded. The past few years it's like the 60s called them and demanded them back Confused

flusteredand · 25/07/2022 20:54

JustJeans · 25/07/2022 20:45

Time for her to go home.

Its one of those - u can't choose ur family.
My lads love having her around and want to take her to a few places. September is when she's going back into hibernation as she is very sensitive to the cold weather.
She was lonely and we didn't want her sitting alone all day waiting for a carer.

OP posts:
A580Hojas · 25/07/2022 21:11

How old is this woman? My mother is 91 and was a young child during WW2. She was evacuated because her family were in London. She hasn't got a racist bone in her body. Don't put it all down to her age OP, it won't wash.

Tayegete · 25/07/2022 21:15

DF was like this too, he was very sexist and racist. But arguing with him was like banging your head against a brick wall. My children were younger when he was alive, but I’d still have very honest conversations with them about how Grandad was born in a different time. At 19&21 your lads are likely to have formed their own world view by now.

Flossiemoss · 25/07/2022 21:21

Might be worth finding out exactly how much of all this the ds are actually listening too.
my dp are also stuck in the 50s with views that I would not dare print. They also like to regale us with who’s dead/ill/moving/ life not being lived to their standards etc and an update on the latest encounter with the nhs.

turns out my ds have switched off and are mentally somewhere else much to my relief. I only wish I had the same knack.

Grimsknee · 25/07/2022 23:19

I mean her views sound pretty mainstream for someone her age. My mother insists on having golliwogs around and saying stuff that just appalls me. I've learnt to shut it out and ignore it because at some level she loves to shock.
Also, I am a second wave left wing feminist but my children think I'm a filthy nazi transphobe because I don't believe men can become women, so I'm sure one day your lads will find something objectionable about your politics! It's just the generational cycle.

Iflyaway · 25/07/2022 23:34

Not really generational, just a type of mindset...

I was born in the 50's and I have a biracial son.

It was never a problem in my family.

I feel your pain though OP.

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