How do I fix my relationship?

[Anonymous202]

Hi, first time poster! (Long winded, sorry!)

My boyfriend and I had the most incredible relationship. One of those relationships that I couldn’t believe I was lucky enough to be a part of. We got our first house, had our first little girl (after not being sure I could carry), she is 15 months old. When things with us are good, they’re great. But recently, we argue non stop.

We were never the arguing couple so I guess we didn’t have a lot of practise. We went from 1 argument every 5/6 months to now, one every week or so. It’s always something stupid and petty.

They started after my disease flared up again (surgery looming). I felt he wasn’t sincere when I wanted to talk about it, which is rarely, so when I tried and he seemed to get annoyed that I wasn’t taking his suggestions and not looking up from his phone, I started to get annoyed. And then (my fault) I think I started to expect him to do it wrong, if you get me? So everytime I’d bring it up, we’d argue. And he is the silent treatment kind of guy. So the next day is always awkward and I’m awful for grovelling and just being a total pain in the arse because I want it to be over.

The argument that brought me here is a big one. We argued over my insecurity over some girl in this group chat he is part of. (Never in my life have I felt this before, I’m not the jealous type so it took me by surprise that I felt it). I had ignored the feeling before but we had vowed to start being more honest about our feelings, to make things better. So I said I was uncomfortable. And to my surprise, he was actually okay. He reassured me, offered to show me the messages (I declined, because it’s not a lack of trust as such, just what I felt was a little naivety towards my feelings). And then he left the chat. I felt extremely guilty because that wasn’t my intention at all. He enjoys this chat and speaks to a-lot of nice people (the girl included that I was a bit uneasy about). My gut told me something and my gut was wrong. I acknowledged that but now it’s a big argument. I’m not even sure how it ended up in an argument but now I feel as though I’m in the wrong. And as always, I tried to apologise. But he doesn’t want to hear it.

I love this man so much. The relationship we can have is beyond salvageable, in my opinion. But I just don’t know how to claw back what we had. This family is perfect. The one I have always dreamed of. I so desperately don’t want to lose this. Help?

One step at a time. Kind words, emotional intimacy, good times, patience, eye contact etc etc. Don’t expect too much too soon

Hi OP, you said when you raised that the girl in the chat was making you uncomfortable he was reassuring/understanding etc and offered to show you the messages. How did it get from that to a big argument.

In relation to discussing your illness could not be that he's worried about you and not sure how to respond. Sometimes with health issues I've found that if men are worried or anxious they can avoid discussing and burying their head in the sand. He might be feeling helpless

Thank you for your replies❤️

I think the argument stemmed from him thinking my looking a little down was because of the girl in the chat but it was because of the guilt I felt in regards to him leaving the chat, when it was something he enjoyed and I feel he deserves that. I think we just got our wires crossed and it just spiralled from there.

This isn’t my first operation and I think because I know how unwell I can become and how ugly it can get before it gets better, I feel I might’ve contributed to his distance a bit in regards to my illness.

We argue differently, if that makes sense. He can become really withdrawn and snippy, whereas I can get emotional and “let’s fix it”. So we bump heads when it isn’t necessary. We are better than this. I know we are. I think I just need to see this as nothing more than a bump in our road. One incurable disease, a looming major op and a pandemic, maybe we’re entitled to our bump🤷🏻‍♀️

You say 'we never argued before'.

I see 'one of us was probably actually always acquiescening to the other without us ever quite realising it'.

When you have kids, you have less time and patience for other people's bullshit and suddenly little miss/mr compromise isn't there all of the time anymore.

Oh 100% @Nintendoswitchedoff , we have spoken about it and I’m that person. I’m a human doormat and I always have been, character flaw. I am guilty of saying sorry even when I’m hurt or ignoring something that bothered me, so I don’t make a scene.

That’s why I actually felt a little proud of myself for saying I was a bit uncomfortable. But I wish I hadn’t now. And often revert back to my old ways after an argument but I’m working on it.