Am I selfish?

[Whatalife88]

Had a discussion turned argument with DH yesterday about numerous things but basically he's just passed his driving test and he's getting a car (great!) and truthfully we probably will need more money to keep paying bills, the car and any extras. He's been applying for a new job. This job would clash with my hours at work. I don't earn great money but I've been stuck at home for the last 13 years with the kids and I'm finally doing something to get me out of the house (it isn't my ideal job but it gets me out). DH hasn't once asked if applying for these jobs would bother me as it would mean I'd have to give up work (we have a 2 year old and can't afford nursery). I said this is selfish as maybe I don't want to give up my job to work around his potential new hours? Am I wrong?

Another thing is that his granfather died recently and my MIL was her carer. Of course she feels alone and lost after 15 years of caring for him 24/7 but she has now said that she doesn't want to go out because it's hard seeing families. We have her here as much as we can, we cook her dinners a couple times a month. She babysits her grandchildren sometimes, I offer to take her out, I keep her up to date with the kids and ask how she is etc. I feel like if we do anymore then we will never get a break but DH is acting as if I'm being selfish for having that feeling?

I seem to never be able to express my feelings without it becoming an argument and I'm sick of being made to feel like I'm selfish when I do all I can with his mother, I have worked around his job for 13 years and took care of the kids but yet I get a job and I'm expected to give it up when he wants a better one? If I was like him and just did what I wanted then I'd be living my dream of fostering and owning animals but god forbid I do that.

This should probably be in AIBU but am O being selfish?

Your DH is being selfish by expecting you to give up your job!! Doesn't matter what job it is, but if it's giving you purpose and making you happy then he has no right really.

Could MIL be asked to do the childcare because of her son's new job? He could pay her a bit and you can make some claims on NI as well. Mil gets some company of her grandchildren and her son can take his new job. On the provision that if she can't do it for any reason he has to sort out an alternative.

She works so unfortunately not.

Will this new job provide more money than you both currently earn? If no YANBU.
If it does provide more (I'm talking thousands after tax etc not a few £100) then YABU to complain you need more money but not willing to allow him to potentialy earn more money.

I'm not complaining about money. I stated we most likely would need more, however, my issue is that he didn't even think to ask me if I would be okay giving my job up or to look for a job that fit my hours. He just assumed. Maybe he could have asked me to find a better job or discussed it, but no, just an assumption I'd give up my job when I've only just started it a few months ago and have finally felt like I'm getting out. It's a build up of feeling like I don't get a say. Everyone else does what they want, regardless of how I feel but if I was to do what I wanted you can guarantee there would be uproar.

No, that’s not the issue. Just because this new job pays more, it doesn’t mean he gets to make the decision for OP to quit her job without so much as a conversation. It’s basic respect. OP has already sacrificed her career, now he’s taking it for granted that she’ll do it again.

My ExH was like this, not that he ever actually got off his arse to look for a better-paying job 🙄🙄 He automatically assumed that I'd give things up to facilitate him working - despite the fact I work double the hours he does and earn more, he expects me to take days off when the DC are ill on his contact time.

Like a PP said, unless he'd be potentially earning thousands more than your current joint income, I wouldn't entertain this for a second.

Personally I would set out clearly to him - you are keeping the job you have done your time sacrificing for the family - its time he steps up and respects you as a partner.

He needs to secure a job around your job or find a job that covers childcare costs end of. Dont put yourself back at home no income - what if the marriage breaks up ?

It's a build up of feeling like I don't get a say

Make yourself heard. He doesn't have to offer you the floor. Tell him you need to explain some stuff to him, and say it, just like he 'just says' whatever he wants.

If he keeps calling you selfish for expressing what you want and need, you have a big problem in your relationship i.e. he doesn't respect you as an individual.

I wouldn't be giving up my job in your situation. If he gets this job then he will obviously have to then sort childcare 🤷🏼‍♀️

Childcare costs are family costs. He needs to understand this and understand it very fast. You have to jointly afford nursery, it's not your full cost to cover. Be very wary of relying financially on someone who doesn't have this basic understanding. So you need to be sitting down to look at how childcare costs will be covered with the 2 jobs you have, including his new job. My very happy and settled longterm relationship went wrong 20 years in and I am so glad I worked throughout including going back fulltime after a decade of part-time work.

Don't give up your job for anything. If he naively believes he can change his hours without discussion or consequence, he will have to source childcare. You are been used as an accessory to make everyone else's like easier. That needs to stop now or it never will. You are a person, who is just as important. Start behaving like it.

There are two separate issues here.

On the MiL front you are doing as much as can be expected and I would stand firm on that.

The job thing it is more of a two way discussion - it is not reasonable to just assume you are going to fall in line with the new job however if it does make the family financial situation better then there is a discussion to be had.

One thing to think about is whether the new job might free you up to do something more in line with what you would like (you say the current job isn't your ideal). There might be an opportunity for you here.