Afraid of commitment - am I in love?

[MurphDad]

Hi
After being single for 20 odd years after a separation I have entered into a new long distance relationship. We started messaging on FB and everything clicked and I flew across to where she lived with her daughter. We have both flown across to meet each other in our respective countries a number of times. The first few months everything went very fast and I fell fully for her. She is very open and in her own words has no filter. We get on very naturally when together and I feel very much at ease. She is kind, intelligent, funny, serious, very attractive and knows what she wants in life (I felt very lucky and in awe of her) . I can be more laid back and generally like to take things slowly She expresses her love for me very strongly and has not given me any evidence that I can not trust her (she has kept in touch with her previous exes and communicated to them but that may be a good thing) and has put no pressure on me but I get the feeling sometimes I am being manipulated (probably trust issue) and sometimes feel love bombed (new term I have learnt) which is holding me back to fully committing myself as part of a full couple. Over the years my family and close friends have been my support network and we have very strong connections and I feel afraid of losing those. I do not want to lose her in my life and later regret that she was the one but finding it hard to fully commit. I also feel guilty suspecting she is not fully genuine in wanting me. Very mixed up with my feelings towards her. I would like to keep the relationship going but unsure if I love her . I do not want to mess her around and she has a daughter that we both need to be very mindful of. What do I do?

Find someone local.

How long have you been together? And how often have you seen her in real life? How much do you communicate remotely?

Op you say you feel manipulated and lovebombed? it’s possible your fear of commitment is looking for excuses. When I met dp I was worried that he was lovebombing me but he was just very keen and we’re still together three years later.

Objectively can you think of any reason why she would manipulate you? Are you much wealthier? Are there more opportunities in your home country? I am close to someone who was in a long distance relationship with someone who was twenty years younger and he didn’t realise she was just after his money until the divorce - so these things occasionally happen.

My general advice where nothing’s really happening, but someone has a hunch something might not be right, is to give it time and slow down so you can work out if your feelings are correct or just irrational based on previous experiences. If her declarations of love are too much for you just tell her and see if she listens to you.

Why do you feel you would have to give up your family and friends? I realise your relationship is distanced but you can keep your closeness to other people as well as being in a relationship or has something she has said made you feel otherwise?

Where is the pressure coming from that's making you feel you need to know now? Generally we wait until we feel sure before making a commitment, and that sometimes takes a while, which is fine.

We have been together for about 10 months and chat daily. I have been over 3 times for a couple of weeks each and she has been over twice.
She has no reason to manipulate me and knows I am not rich etc. There were a few things that have unsettled me :

1. Her FB re wanting a step dad for her daughter - though I am not phased with taking up a family


2. At Christmas she mentioned that I need to focus on my "new family" and not my old


3. She seems defensive when I make plans to see my old friends and seems to make plans to come over around the same time I had planned to see them


4. I am going through a tough period at the moment deciding to move location and also my mental health is not great at the moment. This has meant that I have been selfish and concentrating on myself purely as my emotional energy levels are drained. She is asking me to make sure that I l love her 100% which I feel is putting pressure on me.


5. She mentioned very early on her dreams of us living together with friends and family coming over and also if we only had one house it would be cheaper as only one set of costs.

Probably all normal and most likely my fear of commitment coming into place.

Points 2 and 3 are red flags to me OP.

Op with your update you seem to have good reasons for your reservations. I think it sounds like she wants to drag you away from your support network to be a stepdad and even with the time you’ve spent together you hardly know each other. It does seem like she’s rushing things and putting pressure on you.

She is asking me to make sure that I l love her 100% which I feel is putting pressure on me

What does this mean?

It doesn't matter what's 'normal'. If something makes you feel uncomfortable in a relationship, you say it. If you don't feel you can, or if it's not well received, you leave. You don't put up with something that makes you feel bad because it's 'normal'.

You’re absolutely right to be uncomfortable. Red flags everywhere.

She wants you to move to her which is understandable because she has a daughter to consider but at the same time it is a very big move for you. She wants her and her daughter to feel like a priority which is also understandable but it's like she wants you to just forget your old life and just move onto your new one with her- but what if for some reason it didn't work out? Where would you be then?

I think you need to hold on to the support network that has been there for you long term and don't let anyone break that. It's clear she wants you to move to her but it doesn't sounds like you're sure that's right for you. It's not necessarily about being committed or not being committed, it's a huge step for anyone. If you're unsure about moving though then I think you can't be stringing her along umming and ahhing for too long. She's going to be hurt/upset/angry I expect if you call it a day but if you're starting to see red flags and aren't convinced about moving over then it's probably best to call it a day and find someone closer.

Hmm. I agree with what others have said. Referencing your ‘new family’ at Christmas, so, what, 3 months in? is intense. Also the reference to wanting a step dad for her daughter, possible possessiveness or jealousy regarding your family and friends and the last point: mentioning how it would be cheaper to live together are, to me, red flags.

My feeling is that she sounds like she needs a partner for practical reasons and emotional stability, which is never the best grounding for a healthy relationship, and this is both fuelling her intenseness and also your underlying concerns. I don’t doubt that she cares for you and maybe loves you, but it feels a bit like she is viewing you as a commodity first.