Does anyone else have a bisexual bf?

[music]

When I found out I was pregnant my bf told me he was worried he might be gay. Well I won't go into how I felt about that, but you can imagine. Anyway, we eventually figured out he's actually just bisexual. Initially, I had problems believing this, as I've known so many gay men who flatly refuse this is possible. But in hindsight, I now realise that this attitude is what probably forces people to 'choose' anyway. I know loads of people would disagree, but I've had to challenge my own views and oppinions and really am starting to believe that maybe everyone is bisexual to one degree or another. Anyway, despite these revelations, I still am paranoid that he really must be gay/doesn't really find me sexy etc. We are very happy with our dd, but I had a very bad labour and havn't been able to have sex yet(7 months) so obviousely there is sexual tension, but how do I get passed this paranoia? Does anyone else out there have a bisexual db/dh? I'd be really interested to know more......

no i dont and cant give a personal experience but i think that monogomy is the key wih mot relationships despite sexual tendencies or preferences. it wouldnt matter if he wasn bisexual as long as he wa faithful does it matter?

yeah i think this leads to the other thread about having affairs, i think your quite right custardo, it doesnt matter as long as you love each other and are faithful to one another, then wheter he fancies men or not shouldnt be an issue becuase he will only sleep with you

I'd be interested to know how you came to the conclusion that he was bisexual. Also has this happened overnight or has he felt this way for years. A pregnancy can be difficult for men as well as women, they have to face up to the fact that they will soon be daddies and their lives will change irrevocably. All men start to question themselves and their abilities, so maybe your bf (beloved fiance?) is simply depressed and confused about his new role as father? Perhaps he needs to talk to someone?

Wholly agree about the monogomy thing. My dh might fancy the pants off Andie McDowell, but I'd like to think that if he had the chance of having sex with her, he would walk away because he loves me.

Well, in answer to your question Rhubarb, basically he has never had a problem staying 'hard' so to speak, always reaches orgasm, and has always seemed to be really into the sex we've had. I pointed all these things out to him and asked him what he thought and he said that was true and seemed quite relieved and bemused by the fact that he hadn't focused on that. Really though, the reason this all happened in the first place was because one day(a while ago now) I asked him if he had ever fancied men, and when he said he didn't know, I said that everyone should know that about themselves and that he should think about it. Anyway, he now tells me that he reckons he's probably felt that way since he was a teenager, but never really thought about it. He also said that he was thinking about it all before we found out I was pregnant and that he was going to talk to me, but when the pregnancy test was positive he just panicked. So, eventually it all calmed down, although for a while I thought he should go with a man(crazed pregnancy insanity) to then come back to me which would prove he really wanted me! But then I came to my senses and we are both really happy with dd at the moment, he is a wonderful father and generally a 'catch' of a man, but I still worry about it all.

why don't you get him to call one of the gay helplines..?

I think maybe he is worrying too much. It's like women can appreciate other women's bodies, see beauty in another woman and have a close relationship with a woman, but not be gay. Maybe he is reading too much into his feelings? Perhaps he just appreciates other men's bodies too? It sounds as though he is quite an emotional man and a deep thinker, so he probably has some effeminiate qualities, but this does not mean that he is gay at all.

I too think he should telephone a gay helpline, they will help him to come to terms with whatever feelings he has, and they won't push him to be gay, if he's not then he's not!

Well, actually he doesn't seem to be worried about it any more, it's me! Even though I am an open minded person and have(since all this happened) even challenged my own sexual tendancies, I just feel paranoid about how sexy I am to him etc.

Is nobody elses dh/db bisexual? I really feel alone in this.....mind you, probably men wouldn't tell anyway, with current attitudes etc.......

Music

I have to agree, most men even if Bi or Gay usually will not say anything about it unless they are really open or so camp they could never hide it.

I'm sure that there are others in the same position as you.

I was aked by my DW some years ago if I had ever been interested in men and the answer I gave her was 'not so far, but I never rule anything out'. After all these years I still have not been attracted to a man so I'm probably straight, but you never can tell till the end.

There is a school of thought that says we are all bisexual to a point. The thing is that many of us simply accept our hetereosexuality and don't think about it. It isn't until someone asks us that we start to think and question ourselves.

I'm sorry I can't help you music, I'm sure there are others out there, it's just finding them. But you know, you really shouldn't worry. He obviously does find you sexy, he loves you and he has not been unfaithful to you. He might find himself attracted to other men and women during the course of your relationship, we all are up to a point, but so long as he does nothing about it.

I hope your mind can settle soon.

seems I am nonsexual to a point - see other discussion.
Would do a laugh face here if i could!

It's so nice to hear other people's points of view, you're all really positive! Am trying not to obsess and to be honest with you, I've always had low self esteem as far as how attractive I think I am, so it wouldn't have taken much to make me insecure. Am lookin for other conversation, shyerthanususual. Nice to hear a male point of view, SimonHoward. More opinions please.....

sorry for incorrect spelling, shyerthanusual!

Music, I have a dp who has a bisexual past and occasionally, very occasionally, I worry about it but basically I agree with custardo and others that love and fidelity are the important points here. I also suspect that I would always find something to worry about ... (my dp doesn't worry about it)

music - I think it's like has been said, if someone will stray it's because they would anyway, regardless of which sex they fancy. I imagine most people fancy other people, it's just that a majority of us are conditioned (a little) to only see the opposite sex as the ones we should fancy sexually.

I remember my biology teacher telling us that there were supposed to be about 17 shades of sexuality with heterosexuality at one end and homosexuality at the other. Most people must fall in the middle but don't act upon it because the feelings are subconscious, maybe?

good point Tinker, and nice to hear someone else has a bisexual dp, addle. Again, cheers for the responses.....

Hi Music, I'm very interested in how you openly asked your dp if he had ever fancied men. It seems like you must have a really good relationship to be able to ask that in the first place. I believe that when you are truly open and honest about everything in your life your relatonship becomes a powerhouse. Not so for me, but I'm trying to get there...
My dp is very effeminate and I've often wondered if he has at least thought of the possiblity of being bisexual. He has never had a relationship with a woman before me (he's 25) but you could put that down to lack of confidence...maybe...
Music, I think you've inspired me, I'd like to ask him if he has ever been attracted to men and I'm not going to be prepared to view the answer rationally, with as little distress as possible...
I've just written this on another thread but isn't it about time we stopped putting people into boxes? We are gaining more insight into ourselves at this point in our evolution (as a species) and therefore its maybe time to break away from the 'safety' of ordering our world into categories (to make it easier for us to understand ourselves) and reach for a new way forward where we can be openly and entirely who we want to be....

You've raised some interesting thoughts in my mind with your latest post Lizzer - maybe some women feel more comfortable and less threatened by a partner who is not right at the macho-man end of Tinker's biology teacher's scale of sexual orientation. I certainly feel happier with men who are unashamedly in touch with their feminine side (whether gay or straight) and both my most important relationships have been with men who were/are unusually gentle, softly-spoken etc. In between these two relationships I was involved with a phone-book-tearing, testosterone-fuelled bonehead with whom I had NOTHING in common, looking back on it. Main talent: removing beer bottle tops with his teeth.
By all means have a chat with your new dp Lizzer, but as others have said, IMO it's mutual love, respect and fidelity that keep a relationship strong and alive, not how "masculine" or "feminine" both partners are. From other posts you have made, he sounds lovely, and very different to dd's father, maybe?
I grew up with a less than macho dad and can vouch for the fact that they are still wonderful parents - and that they make good long-term partners for discerning women. My parents celebrated their 40th this year and my mum talks often about how meeting him changed her life.

I so agree with what you say about putting people in boxes Lizzer, and I think maybe it was once like that anyway, long ago, before anyone can remember? As far as how I asked him, well I can't really remember, but I have known a lot of 'gay' people and a few 'bisexual' people and also my mum realised she was wanted to have a relationship with a woman in her mid 30's, so the subject was in our lives anyway...............

Now I can continue what I was writing yesterday.(bf came downstairs, so had to stop) Anyway, like I said, I think I'm a very open minded person and this week I realised that it's not so much the fact that bf told me he fancied men, but the way he told me. Just made it sound like such a big deal, like he must fancy them more than me! I know I am quite insecure really, so it probably is more to do with my own paranoia, I mean I suppose it must have been a big deal to him to actually say it out loud to me. It does seem that it's perfectly acceptable for women to admit to feelings about other women, but for men it seems to mean that they must be gay, WHY is that? Obviousely I too must think this deep down, which really p....s me off! Anyway, I'm not feeling too grim about it all today, as we had some fun last night(other thread).......

Feeling really low about it all today. Remembered asking db(about a year ago)if he found men more sexy than me and him saying he did. We talked about it(today)and he says that it's just like wanting what you can't/havn't had more than what you've got. I know exactly what he means by that, but how can he know if he's never even tried it?

I have always felt that he didn't find me beautiful/sexy/irresistable(other men have)but he said he does, he just hasn't expressed himself clearly. To set the background a little more clearly, we got together quite young and I am the first/only woman he's slept with. It always used to seem to me that he just didn't want me that much,(or I wasn't doing the right things to turn him on) but he has since told me that it was just that I intimidated him cause I'de slept with other people and appeared to be more confident. Anyway, over the years(before we learned to communicate properly) my self esteem got really low, but since having our dd I feel much more sexy in general which is nice. She has made me find myself again and because I'm happier, I feel more confident etc.

However I realise that I no longer know how to be myself(sexually)with db. He says he would like me to be 'feisty' like I used to be and that he used to be a wimp when that intimidated him! I've just spent so many years trying not to be intimidating and believing that wasn't what men want that it doesn't feel like part of our relationship any more.

He now seems to realise that I too have insecurities and wasn't the 'all confident' person he thought me to be, and believes we can work through this. I, on the other hand feel 'stuck in a hole' with it all. I don't plan to leave him, but rather feel resigned to the fact that the sexual side of us is less than perfect(everything else works like clockwork, including us working together) I told him that I carry around a black cloud of 'db doesn't really fancy me' which sometimes really gets me down. Anyway sorry to be so depressing, does anyone have any thoughts?

Just trying to keep this thread going in the hope of some feedback...........

I don't know if I'm really qualified to comment - single Mum, never been married, never been in a serious long-term relationship, never been in love.

But I feel that his sexuality isn't the issue here. Do you think you'd feel the same if he'd expressed attraction to another woman? I can't see why him liking men is an issue, more than his faithfullness in general IYSWIM.

To me the problem seems to be yours (no offence) in terms of self-esteem. It seems to me that it's you that has an issue with this not him. Correct me if I'm wrong (I must admit to not having read the whole thread) but has anything changed recently for him? It's seems to be your concerns about this that are the issue rather than anything concrete that has actually happened to make you worry. Maybe what you need to do is work on your confidence?