Is it better to leave emotionally abusive marriage?

[ThursdayAdams]

Just that really. I am in the process of leaving, but having doubts.

First, about whether he has been abusive/controlling, though I have had support from a therapist and Women’s Aid who think it is abuse.

Second, and this is my question really (as none of you can confirm if its abuse obviously) but am I doing the right thing in leaving if it is abuse? We have dc and I’m so sad about what the divorce will do to them and about sharing custody (likely to be 50-50). I was reading another thread where lots of posters were saying how bad divorce/shared custody cab be for kids and I feel like maybe I should have stayed.

I didn’t want to set a bad example to the kids and for them to repeat my patterns. But now they are just going to have other issues (and I’m going to lose time with them).

I’m looking for reassurance I suppose. Is it the right thing to leave an abusive marriage when you have dc?

Thanks for reading this far!

It doesn't matter who does or doesn't classify it as abuse. There is no hard definition of what constitutes abuse. You don't need permission to end your marriage. Clearly you are unhappy in your relationship and it sounds as if it is abusive. So yes you should end it. You should be a role model to your children by showing them that when a partner treats you badly, you do not sit there and take it, you leave.

Definitely the right thing!

Do you have any concerns about how he might treat your DC when he's alone with them? What age are they?

If you do have any concerns and can back these up, he's unlikely to get 50/50

No, I don’t have concerns about how he’ll treat the kids when he’s alone with them. It’s me he hates, not them. I appreciate being emotionally abusive to their mother isn’t good parenting, but that aside he’s a good dad.

I can only give you my experience which was that leaving was one of the best decisions I ever made.

The kids get a much better version of both their mum and their dad now that we don’t live together.

They have a stable home at my house where they are free from walking on eggshells and their dad has completely raised his game now that he doesn’t see them all the time.

Stay strong, it’s the right decision.

my therapist said my STBXH behaviour was emotional abuse

i looked up the symptoms, the first two were

Have difficulty making decisions
have low self esteem

that was enough for me

You are absolutely doing the right thing to leave when there is abuse of any type present. Abuse is not solely physical in nature.

Consider also what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up too. Did your parents show you a good relationship example?.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they themselves can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

He has not been a good dad to his children if he has and continues to treat you like this to the extent that both a therapist and Womens Aid say it’s abuse of you (and in turn them). It’s not your fault nor theirs that their dad has decided to embark on his own private based war against you. Such men too hate women, ALL of them. This is the mindset of an abuser, it’s everyone else’s fault except their own.

Do you really think also that such a man will actually go onto see his children half the week too?.

Such men can often demand or otherwise shout about 50/50 mainly as a way of further intimidating the spouse and or to use this as a potential way of avoiding making child maintenance payments. You absolutely need legal advice here re this matter.

Better to be from a so called broken home as well than to remain in one.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. They need to be taught that the only acceptable level of abuse in any relationship is none. They certainly cannot afford to remain within such a dysfunctional and toxic environment.

I'm going to be really honest here - as the child of a tense, chaotic and occasionally violent relationship - it's not a choice between two good things.

It's a choice between a bad thing - breaking up a home/shared custody/all that entails - and a terrible thing - staying in a dysfunctional toxic environment. FWIW I wish my mum had chosen the bad thing over the terrible thing almost every day.

I also agree with pp that there's a snowball's chance in hell that he'll actually go for 50/50 when it comes to it.

Thank you all for the supportive comments. It has really helped.

I guess it’s the least worst option.

I’m just desperately hoping things get better and I start to feel ok about it.

I didn’t want to set a bad example to the kids and for them to repeat my patterns

The damage caused by the divorce will be about the divorce. The damage caused by staying with him will be about how they form relationships in their adult lives. The latter is far more destructive to their future as independent adults.