Why am I always the "one before"

[Naivenelly]

Sorry for a bit of a "poor me" thread I'm just feeling really sorry for myself today and needed to vent. I posted here about a week ago about a guy who I had been spending a lot of time with, we talked loads, got on great and he seemed really interested but when I told him I liked him he said he was attracted to me but had no emotional feelings towards me.

I feel like this keeps happening with me. I always seem to be the person in between girlfriends or relationships. Is it me? I am not a clingy person by any means, very independent, confident, good job and I guess I am attractive (although that's subjective). So what am I doing wrong? Why do guys only seem to want me to be a filler between girls they actually have feelings for? I feel that it's really impacting my self esteem at this point

Maybe it's not that there's something wrong with you, but with your "type", subconsciously going for the emotionally unavailable men? Not a psychologist but from previous healing work I've done that could stem from actually being afraid to fully open up with someone, not wanting
To be vulnerable. Hence ending up with people who have no interest in a deeper connection. We actually self sabotage in this way without even realising.'

It might just be bad luck!

Or, and this comes from a positive place, are you coming across a bit too keen? Some men might find that offputting because they might see you as someone who wants a serious relationship immediately. Which could be a bit frightening.

Only you will know whether that is the case. You sound great. In your shoes I’d be tempted to back off a bit with the next bloke you meet and see what happens.

Do you always say you have feelings first and how quickly do you say this?

You say you're not clingy. But are you so afraid of being perceived to be needy that you do not express enough of your needs? Armchair psychology no doubt.

I disagree with the don't be too keen advice. IF YOU ARE keen, you can be keen. But assess first, and if you're still assessing............. remember what you have no evidence of yet! There, clear as mud.

Maybe you are going for the wrong type of guy and there isnt anything wrong with you?

I was that girl. The Mary Poppins of men. They were always 'broken' and I put so much energy into helping them. Then I would get sick and we would break up. They then settled down. Turns out I was naturally drawn to controlling men who struggled to control me and so it just didn't work. I am now married with a man who deserves my energy. Perhaps you are 'the one before' because you know your worth and these men know they cannot get away with rubbish?

My counsellor said I went for controlling men because of my controlling mum and my subconscious was drawn to them even though consciously I didn't want to! Once she said that I realised she was right and found an incredibly non-controlling man who worships me. I stopped seeing red flags as 'things to fix' because I cannot fix people's behaviours!

My last ex texted me 'I will be everything you wanted me to be for the next one' good luck to her haha

Chin up it will all come together when it is right. The universe knows what it is doing!

I used to think this about myself when in reality I was attracted to emotionally unavailable men and rejected the decent ones. It's very hard to develop that self awareness and act on it, though.

This is definitely a thing!

So what am I doing wrong

You're assuming you're doing something wrong. Life feels so much worse when you do that, and you'll be staying with people you're not compatible with because instead of seeing incompatibility, you'll see faults in yourself. Anxious attachment style. It's healthier just to walk away with your chin up, rather than hunt for faults in yourself.

Thanks everyone. I can see why it seems I'm going for emotionally unavailable people but that's kind of my question too - why is it only me they're emotionally unavailable for 😂 I don't think I come across too keen but I do say what I think and I like to make an effort. I'm just really frustrated- the last one hit me quite hard as I thought things were going great and then it was like "oh sorry I don't actually have any emotional feelings towards you I'm just attracted to you"

Oh I could have written this post. Every man I've been with from flings to long term relationships have left me for/cheated on me with/moved onto the person they go onto settle with.

It's totally destroyed me 😥

I think lots of men feel the need to be the big strong provider and if you’re making more money than them or are self sufficient/career focused/ very tall/ very attractive/in anyway making them feel insecure they move onto someone who is easier to manipulate because they feel like they need to be needed by them.

my best advice is if you must date men don’t ever let them choose you.

Take your time, choose someone you feel attracted to, whose morals parallel your own and who you find funny and interesting to talk to.
Spend time with them, say no to a few things, suggest your own ideas and note wether you feel listened to.
Expect to be treated well and don’t take shit. I have found this strategy has lead to a lot less but much better quality men in my life

Have a read of Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl- this will explain everything.

Have a read of Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl- this will explain everything.

Me too. All ex’s have gone to next woman and got engaged/married/moved in (not all still together though but most are) - me I’m still sitting on that dusty cob webbed shelf.

I could have written this post too. I've had opportunities to date other men but I seem to go for the ones that treat me like the rebound woman.

I feel like giving up on dating.

@SortingItOut - I will look out for that book. I don't mean to hijack OP's post but thanks for the recommendation.

This was me. But I've now been married twice (50s). And the first of those was definitely a mistake.

Wise words

Emotional feelings come in time? Attraction first...then emotions, surely?

How long are you giving these guys before you tell them you "like" them in that way? If its only a few weeks then maybe back off and give the feelings time to emerge? Maybe they would feel emotional feelings for you, given time?

Only a thought, not fact. I'm just pondering.

If thats not the case then i would honestly say its just bad luck OP. Unlikely to be anything intrinsically wrong with you! Just not a match for whatever reason. Loads of my friends experienced this! Most are now married or in LTRs. Relax xxxx

Well this particular guy we have been charging for 2 years, met through social media through similar interests, always kept in touch as friends but when the chance to meet came up through work (he's London I'm Scotland) the dynamic really changed between us, so it was after about 2 months and maybe 3 weekends together I told him I liked him as more than a friend

He had two years to arrange date with you due to your sparkling online persona- he didn’t

Did you sleep together on the work opportunity? Is that what changed the dynamic?

Nothing about this gives green flags at all. He sounds like he could tell full well you liked him and saw a literal opening.

If this is a usual scenario of you putting yourself out there hugely when you are due to get nothing back, I’m not surprised you’re being used as a stop gap.

I have to agree with Supima I’m afraid. He thought you were a FWB. You made all the running. You need to find men who like you in a romantic way and will put the effort in.