For context I will give a brief background
I left home at 18, was a single parent from 27, never had a good relationship with either of my parents until 2017 onward, after a lot of therapy and self taught patience. Graduated as an adult, worked hard, am now in a senior management position in my field, both my kids have graduated as well, I've done good, despite the obstacles/finances/ lack of support.
My dad died in Jan this year under difficult circumstances, since then I've been struggling to "be there" for my mum, and also deal with the loss and all the feelings I had suppressed for nearly 30 years.
I have routine to see her every Sat, take her shopping, cook..hang out, and its been ok.. not great but ok.
She has a habit of "arguing" with me about a lot of things..some relavant, mostly not, I've taken a deep breath and carried on. Her MO has always been to cite/ quote other people in her arguments, people who's opinion obviously means more than mine. She's always done this, I suspect she has Narcissist traits, I was the scapegoat for the family, hence me leaving at 18 and leading my own life.
If she cant find an argument she will "pick" at things..my hair, my clothes, the tidiness of my car, the way i roll chapattis, sometimes i sense she just looks but stops herself, as i have, because she's a lonely widow, she is alone a lot and I want to do right by her.
Currently She is recovering from Covid, I've been round, made her food, cleaned her house, bought her shopping, today I decided to spend the day with her..
I have been in touch with a law firm regarding my Fathers passing- cut a long story short they advised me to not go ahead, which is fine, so I told her this whilst we were watching TV,
Her reaction- oh, ok.. well its because you left it too late.
I know there is a 3 year period in which one can take legal action, so I calmly told her this. Impassively she replied but ..Aliza (neighbour- single parent, worked as a cleaner, did a Phlebotomy course, is now working for the NHS drawing blood, 2 years in England from Poland, nice woman) BUT.. why is my Mum taking her word over mine? I said this to which she replied, but she's a nurse.. she knows these things.. and I felt the rage, I told her Aliza is NOT a nurse, she is a Phlebotomist, , why do you not believe me..??!
At that she turned to me and said, its been 7 months, of course its too late! 100% she didn't want to hear anything about my knowledge on the subject. so i stopped. I realised Alizas opinion carried much more weight than my own knowledge and thoughts on the subject (FYI- you can take action 3 years after).
And it made me sad.. I've sacrificed my social life, my time, to spend time with her, to help her, so she doesn't feel lonely, so the loss of Dad is bearable.. and she somehow manages to make me feel small, insignificant and useless. Like she always has, she diminishes me, and I still get hurt.
is there any point to carrying on with her? Previously if she pissed me off (eg-oohh you have got so FAT 03/2021 when i bought Dad back from a hospital appointment) I stayed away , till I was calmer and to "punish" her I guess. She always manages to do it again though.
Am i being a dick? Should i just ignore her, she's old, set in her ways and cant help herself? She is frail, small. Yet .. she can hurt me so much, even though I'm trying to be kind, be daughterly.. I feel so hurt, angry and confused.
any advice? please be nice, I'm feeling quite fragile.