Total failure to make friends with other mums...what am I doing wrong???

[Sooootired]

Hi, I feel a bit like a school child, wondering why no one will be my friend. Seems a bit pathetic really, but its just not happening for me. I have a 2 year old, and completely failed to click with anyone in his postnatal group. I eventually got friendly over time with a couple of women who went to the same baby music group as me...eventually we exchanged phone numbers and said it would be lovely to meet up etc. I have seen them both once or twice...but its always me who phones them. They both seem really keen to meet, I get texts from one saying 'lets meet soon, really like to get together' yet if I text back I dont hear again (which seems both annoying and rude) .... the other just never phones at all, I just see her at the group when she rushes over to chat and apologises profusely for not calling. It makes me paranoid because I had a disaster last year when someone who was repeatedly seemingly really keen to meet up eventually admitted she didnt actually like me and didnt want to meet....I do have friends incidentally, a handful of really good long term mates, but they either dont have kids or they have older ones so I end up pretty lonely during long days with two small children. Anything Im not doing and should or am doing that I shouldnt? Advice would be really appreciated.

Wanted to say I think you're doing really well by getting people's phone numbers and arranging to meet. Some people are forgetful about calling people, which is annoying but don't feel like you're not good enough. I'm that someone would say they didn't like you, how rude...obviously she wasn't worth making friends with .

Sounds like you're doing all the right things though, perhaps you just haven't met the right people yet. Are there any other groups you could go to (I find ones with an aim, like sing and sign or baby massage, are best as there's less pressure to keep up the chat for hours iykwim)

Thanks for your thoughts, yes I do persevere...Im currently trying again with my new post-natal group who seem more approachable and down to earth than my last one - so who knows and fingers crossed! I know I get paranoid and no doubt I dont come over well when Im worried about trying to make friends. And of course, just to really wind myself up I convince myself that my children will grow up anti-social if I cant show them how to make mates...no pressure, then?!

Sooootired - I felt a bit like this after moving to a new area a couple of years ago, and one thing that really helped me was doing this online workshop. It's just basic cognitive psychology, but it helps you to think more positively. I don't know whether it's a coincidence or not, but within about three months I had made loads of friends.

I'd really recommend you to look at it - the basic message (or one of them) is to try to look at things from other people's point of view. In the case of the women at your postnatal group, there might be a hundred reasons why they aren't getting around to ringing you: it is very unlikely to be because they think you're a waste of space.

Hi, don't take it badly if people don't text you back or call you. I'm like this, friends are always texting me to join them at the park etc, sometimes i manage to reply, sometimes i don't and i rarely manage to actually meet up with them. It's because i am so busy with my 2 DC's, the housework etc etc that i just don't have time to text back often. But i do make a point of texting, even if it's days or weeks later to say hello and keep the communication going. I suppose my friends and i are still friends despite all of the above because they also have 2 DC's each and must know just how busy we all are and sometimes we just don't get time to send a text.

But, these friendships have built up over time and iirc, i did put in more of an effort in the early days. I guess a friendship is like any other type of relationship, it needs nurturing at the beginning until eventually it reaches a point where it will survive even if it is left alone for a while IYKWIM.

Take heart in the fact that you do have some long term friendships albeit without kids (as do i). I moved to a new area nearly 2 years ago and i can honestly say that in all this time i have only made 2 friends, but i know they are 'real' friends and not superficial and that's what i personally prefer, quality over quantity. Of course i also have many 'aquaintances' just to chat with and say hi, but i don't count these as real friends.

Keep going and you will get there.

Thanks policywonk, that link looks really interesting ...will definitely give it a go (if my little angels will let me have the time, that is!)Making mates is the one thing in my life I really do seem to lack confidence with. Bizarre. Im really pretty together in most other espects. I guess we all have our weaknesses and foibles..

I think a lot of women struggle with antenatal groups, toddler groups and so on. It's easier to make friends at work or at the gym or whatever, because you're engaged on a purposeful activity together, and the making-friends thing is secondary - whereas at toddler groups, making friends is what it's all about (unless you really, really love singing 'Wind the Bobbin Up'), so you feel like an idiot if you don't make any.

Hi Soootired, I know how you feel - I've felt like this all my life, despite having some very good friends (most of whom have moved quite far away, which exacerbates the problem). I also felt a bit isolated when DD was little as, like you, my old friends did not have children yet, or their children were older.

I only really made some new friends when DD started school & I joined the PTA. There was a group of about 8 of us who really clicked, did things socially and kept in touch even after our kids moved on to different secondary schools. We don't see each other as often as we did, since we're all now working more or less full time and Life just takes up more space now, and sometimes I do still think 'they don't want to know me because we haven't met for 2 months and I bet they're meeting up with each other and leaving me out' - but I know rationally that it's only because they're too busy to meet. I'm just being paranoid .

oh poor you - woman who said she doesn't like you sounds mean and highly odd. Surely there are easier ways of avoiding someone ?

I'd say you are doing everything right and just need to be thick-skinned about rejection. Sometimes people respond better to last minute invitations, eg texting "I am in your neck of the woods, fancy a coffee? Only here until 12" rather than long-term plans. It's also less of a blow if they turn you down at short notice.

Apart from that just go to loads of activities and you'll have a much better chance of meeting sympathetic people - I totally failed to click with anyone at all in my post-natal group, but have great mates from my antenatal group and met some lovely people through baby yoga.

Failing all that, how about organising a mumsnet meetup in your area?

I didn't click with the mothers at the local M&B group. They were mostly a good 10yrs younger than me, different interests, different level of education and I think we made each other mutually uncomfortable but tbh I admit I didn't persevere.

I found Tumbletots a lot better as we are a real mix, but also you can 'hide' behind what your child is doing until you know ppl.

Maybe you could try a different kind of baby/toddler group?

Thanks for all the comments...it really does help to know others do feel the same. Its too easy to assume all the other mums are as confident as they seem to be - I for one can put on a fairly convincing chatty, relaxed exterior when inside Im pretty nervous! I will persevere - it just takes a mixture of time, chance (meeting people you click with) and perseverance I guess..

I know how you feel. I have loads of acquaintances that I see on a regular basis at toddler groups, etc. and we chat and appear to get on well, but I know for a fact a lot of them go to each other's houses a lot and I never seem to get invited. Also, my children never get invited to their children's birthday parties, etc. I also worry that my apparent inability to attract friends will rub off on my children and they will have the same problems. I too have a group of "real" friends but they don't live near me and I have built up solid relationships with them over several years. You can go mad trying to analyse what you're doing wrong so I have stopped trying and have accepted the fact that if I don't "click" with someone straight away, then it's a non-starter. Go with your instincts and make an effort with people you instantly "click" with and don't waste time on the rest, just be civil. Quality rather than quantity is best.

Just another post to say, you're not alone. I have never really made many friends at toddler groups, a lot of which I think is down to big differences in age, education etc. Also we moved to a new area when DS was 6 months and quite a few of the other mums I meet have lived here all their lives and knew each other previously etc. After about 2 years I have now got one or two people who sometimes call or text for playdates - and DS is now 3 and starting to get invited to birthday parties - but please don't take it personally. Because it isn't really personal.

Where do you live Soootired? Will happily meet up if you are anywhere near Norwich!
It is hard work making friends when you have two small kids, I quite agree and could have written your post in fact.
A MN meet up might be a great idea wherever you are.

SOooTIRED - I'd try out lots of different groups if i were you - some groups are very clicky - i quite often notice new people at groups and make an effort to include them as i know it can be quite scary starting a new group - so maybe if you see someone looking lonely that could be your chance to make a new friend

could be worse, i have no friends rl or imaginary, have a 6 year old, 3 year old and small baby so run the full gamut of playground, nursery and post natal as well as taking them to swimming, football, story time, ballet etc. small town and only one school but no one to really talk to.
the baby crowd mainly have got theres as their pfb and the school and nursery mums don't have babies so i don't fit in anywhere. mostly happy with my own compnay but feel sad that i can do the school and nursery pickups without talking to anyone whilst you hear other mothers having a blether and kids going to each others houses, you do think what's wrong with me.

kids are happy and confident but i know they would like more other kid contact but we live at a pretty quiet end of town, with few houses but a very busy road but we are thinking of moving to a cul de sac.

soylent for you
Don't you worry your time will come!

I know how you feel as I have moved twice since I have had children and it is very difficult to make friends. I have managed it by going to Mother and toddler groups and interestingly, as somebody else suggested, the people I have ended up becoming friends with are those that have been new to the group too. The existing members tend to stick together. You do need to persevere though and it can take months rather than weeks but it will happen. Smile a lot and play with your child and eventually you will get talking - your child will start mixing with other children and inevitably you will at least exchange pleasanteries with the other mothers.

The other thing that helped me is volunteering to help out (difficult as I am quite shy but I made myself do it). I lived next door to the hall where we had one M & T group and held the key. People can't ignore you when they need you to let them in! Even making the tea or children's drinks means people have to learn your name eventually.

Soylent - that is awful for you.
The best groups are those like M & T. I have found that they allow you to talk to people in a way that organised activities like music groups or story time sessions.

Does your oldest have a friend they would like to invite home to play? That would be a way of breaking the ice too.