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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I can’t receive love help

9 replies

Banana2079 · 23/07/2022 14:27

I broke up with my partner of around 12 years three months ago. During the 12 years he left me once when my daughter was newborn to go and start a relationship with someone else for two I took him back when she left him because I was lonely. He was always very cold towards me and did not kiss me for most of our 12 year relationship , we did have sex from time to time and there were times when he was loving but he never asked to marry me and I suspect he had cheated more than once . ( he asked the gf to marry him )
he did hit me when we used to argue I was always craving his love and attention, I am a good looking girl also I am told so I don’t understand why I am stuck on this man. I threw him out three months ago when I finally had enough . Our daughter is seven and is happy .
I feel incredibly guilty that I’ve got rid of her dad out of the house even though she does not seem to mind and I feel bad that I am stopping him from seeing her grow up in terms of him living with her . I also miss him dearly despite him treating me like a doormat. I have met someone else who treats me like an absolute goddess however I am constantly pushing him away I find his kisses annoying I don’t want to be constantly held and all the love yous I’m finding too much, I am finding ways to avoid him and I feel incredibly guilty about that too is there something wrong with me is this because I was treated without much love and affection for 12 years that I am behaving this way towards this new man? This New man shares all of my hobbies and interests Unlike my ex. I am also incredibly upset that my ex has not even asked to come back, Since he left he has not called or texted to say anything of the sort it’s almost as if I did him a favour I can’t believe I wasted so many years with somebody who probably did not want to be here anyway so why do I feel like this now somebody show me care? I really feel terrible like I’m missing out on life and really sad

OP posts:
FAQs · 23/07/2022 14:30

Sounds like you need some time on your own with just your daughter.

PeekAtYou · 23/07/2022 14:32

First answer has nailed it.

Banana2079 · 23/07/2022 14:37

I’m worried I won’t let anyone love me again and that I won’t be able to love anyone else

OP posts:
LampLighter414 · 23/07/2022 19:28

I would consider some counselling sessions if you can afford them or have access to private healthcare through your employer

bloodyunicorns · 23/07/2022 19:31

I'd end this relationship and spend some time on your own with your dd.

Counselling might also be helpful, or do the Freedom Programme to help you recognise abuse and raise your boundaries.

Nobody should stay in a relationship like the one you describe. Why did you?

Watchkeys · 23/07/2022 20:15

Not wanting someone pawing over you the whole time doesn't mean you 'can't receive love'.

Once you stop seeing yourself as 'faulty', and start to respect that you have preferences for the level of affection you want, this'll get a lot easier. Tell him he's a bit much for you, and to give you a bit of physical space when you spend time together. Explain to him what you want/like. If he respects your preferences, keep him. If not, dump him.

That's your boundaries, sorted.

Banana2079 · 23/07/2022 20:38

I was afraid of changing routine scared of being on my own and despite the way he treated me I did love this man he always kept me at arms length so maybe that’s why I wanted him . When he comes round I hope that he would say something Around wanting to be with me still but I don’t know why I would want that I just do
, I just feel so lonely right now and guilty about pushing the other nice man away I think you are alright I just need to spend time on my own for a bit n prob not fair on the new gu

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 23/07/2022 20:46

Yes, counseling for yourself as well as time on your own. You need to build up your confidence so you never accept abusive behaviour from a partner again.

OldFan · 24/07/2022 01:19

It's only three months since you split with your abusive ex in a long term relationship. It'd probably be too soon to be dating even if it hadn't been an abusive relationship.

Doing freedomprogramme.co.uk/ might help you process the experience, along with counselling if you feel the need.

Give yourself time.

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