What would you do?

[TangoTarantella]

I’m looking for perspective on my current situation. Have made bad decisions in relationships in the past (settling) and don’t trust myself to make a good one anymore so looking to get some wisdom.

What would you do if you were in this situation? I’m late 40s with 2DC, separated from their dad who was/is a narcissistic abuser. Left him 3 years ago. Eventually started online dating and after trawling through some almighty dross finally found a lovely man. We’ve now been dating for around a year. He’s loving, kind, clever and we have much in common. However there a a couple of things that are bothering me …..

He lied about his height in his dating profile. Height itself isn’t a dealbreaker, it’s the fact that he lied and hasn’t ever acknowledged it.

He has ED and hasn’t ever acknowledged that either. Just continues as if it’s normal. He’s not selfish in bed at all but I would like a normal sex life that includes PIV.

I feel like with both of these things he’s gaslighting me and it’s making me resent him. Yes I could talk about it, but with the ED he makes out it’s normal, and to raise the height thing now seems petty. I should have said something at the start but with the ED thought it was nerves/whatever and it would get better.

Anyway it’s the fact he’s able to brush things under the carpet that is niggling away at me.

In my situation, would you end it and go back to the horror that is online dating?

With OLD men often lie about their height or income in the same way women often lie about their age or weight. It can't be that big an issue if you are still together a year after your first date.

As for the ED, it is obviously an issue that requires some sensitivity on your part when discussing but equally he should be able to have an adult conversation about it. ED is a condition that has could have a variety of causes and he needs to seek medical advice if he wants to achieve a 'normal' sex life with you. If he can't be bothered to do anything and you are going to get increasingly frustrated then you either have the choice of sucking it up or ending the relationship.

People aren't perfect.
But if you think you can do better, then just move on.

Being faced with the options of a short guy with ED and the perils of online dating I would go for the latter.

Be on your own; its better than being with someone who cannot and has not been fully honest to his own self.

Penetrative sex is sex to me (I don't like oral.) So I like to think I'd dump him

It wouldn't be as big a deal for someone else maybe, but I've put up with decades of ED from partners, so want some decent sex before they all become incapable.

Seems the general consensus would be to end it. I think I need to raise (excuse the pun) the ED issue before I do. Any idea on how to handle it sensitively? I

At your age I would never settle for crap sex.. And def not with a man has no intention of dealing with his issues..

How much did he lie about his height?

The ED is obviously quite a sensitive subject. So on this basis I am not sure it falls into the category of gaslighting. Try broaching the subject sympathetically.

The height thing wouldn't bother me too much. It's pretty common to add a couple of inches on!

The ED is more of an issue but I would definitely try to discuss it with him before ending things. Would he be prepared to go to the doctor?

Been there, girlfriend.
How about asking : do you miss penetrative sex?
Then you can hopefully get a conversation going.

He lied by a couple of inches I guess. Is that considered OK/normal in online dating?

Good point on ED maybe not falling into gaslighting category. I’m probably overly sensitive to it given past experience. Which is why i’m asking for other perspectives.

How did it work out for you @Homewardbound2022 if you don’t mind me asking?

Have you ever mentioned the ED at all? If not he may think it's not an issue for you?

I’ve found that people who tell small lies (about height, age etc) also tell big lies. And I can’t imagine being in a relationship for a year with someone who had ED and never talking about it. This wouldn’t be the man for me, OP.

We’ve spoken about it once, the first time we actually DTD. I was so relieved and said so, he asked if I thought it odd that we’d not done it before and I said yes but didn’t want to put him under pressure as had thought if pressure was causing it that would be counter-productive. Turns out that was pretty much a one-off though and it’s been very sporadic since.

Keep in mind that, if you don't like his habit of brushing things under the carpet, you're doing the same yourself.

The minute you met him, you could have asked him about the height lie. The minute you felt he was gaslighting you, you could have left. You are brushing these things under the carpet, and then blaming him for 'making' you resent him. Take responsibility. If you stay in a relationship with someone who lies, you will end up resenting them. They are at fault, but you are responsible for putting yourself in the way of their harm.

Good point on ED maybe not falling into gaslighting category. I’m probably overly sensitive to it given past experience

If someone triggers feelings from your previous unpleasant experiences, talk to them about how you feel. If you can't or don't want to, the relationship is unhealthy. Doesn't matter whose fault it is. If you've had bad experiences, you need a partner who understands and can reassure you, not someone who makes you feel your sensitivities are unwelcome and need to be kept quiet.

He replied: "Sex is overrated" then turned his back on me in bed!
I later spotted anti-Ds in his washbag so attributed his ED to this and a drawn-out messy divorce.
We were abroad at the time. He was very affectionate when out and about, hugging and kissing me, because he knew it couldn't lead to anything.
I liked him a great deal. When we got home he said we could still travel together as friends but I told him that would be too difficult for me. The End.