Constantly arguing with DH and need advice!

[AIBAnxious]

I'm in need of advice. I'm just arguing with DH constantly and i dont think our relationship can survive much more. He says I snap at him all the time and I think he's right. We've got 15 month old twins and I feel like I'm using up all my patience and understanding on them, and then I've got none left for him. So I snap over the most minor things. Has anyone else felt this way with a young child and does anyone have any tips for how i can stop?

For background, between work and childcare I get no time to myself, but then neither does he. He wfh and spends his whole lunch break every day doing house work. I go to work 3 days a week and spend 2 days with the twins. They are getting easier and more fun but they are still hard work as they are super manic!! They are also still waking 1-2 times a night each. DH and I share the burden of that equally.

Can you get a baby sitter for some alone time ? I think you need to make the effort to be a couple again.
Do either/ both of you get to do a hobby/gym/meet friends ?

Good advice from Kangaroo.

Also - could you afford a weekly cleaner and a weekly takeaway? Just to take some of the load off until the twins are a bit older...

Could you afford an extra day of childcare so you both have a day at home without the DC you can do some household stuff to ease the burden for both of you?

Hi OP my twins are the same age and honestly our marriage has never been worse so I sympathise. We also have an older child and it was definitely not like this with them. We both work full time and honestly often feel like housemates. I think we've managed sex once in the last year. I don't have the answers as I'm probably looking for them myself but I suspect/hope things will just get easier with time (and sleep)

I think you have to let a lot of things slide with 15 month old twins.

What are you snapping/arguing about? If it's things like dishes on the side, emptying the bins and things one that then just let it go.

Agree about trying to find some time to do things without the DC as well.

I do agree with @TokyoSushi

You do need to let a lot go. It's just about surviving these early months/years with your marriage and insanity intact.

Wow thanks, that's some very helpful answers people!

I think we do need some time out, it's just really hard to arrange. Extra paid childcare is just not affordable. DH's parents have offered to give us time out but my DH doesn't want it because he says he only gets weekends with the twins. That's not really true because he also helps look after them morning and evening every day but I have to respect how he feels. I could take some time out on my own to see friends but I would have to ignore strong feelings of guilt, and the suspicion that DH's parents would think I was being lazy! (My relationship with them is a whole other thread...)

We do already have a weekly cleaner, before that cleaning was just not getting done!

Thanks so much for sharing @cantcomplainabouttheweather , it's very similar for us, we feel like colleagues rather than husband and wife, because we're just so focused on the twins! I hope you are right and things do get easier!

A lot of our snapping is me thinking he's criticising me and snapping back; he then denies he ever meant any criticism. I genuinely have no idea who is to blame most of the time but I do suspect it's me. I think I just need to ignore any criticism (whether it's imagined or not) but I don't know why I find it so hard!

I admit I do have to smile when people say oh just find a babysitter - not that easy when you have multiples. I found after I had our twins previous offers of childcare whether paid or unpaid disappeared like the wind. Fact is many paid baby sitters just can't cope/know how to handle twins on their own and quite honestly unless the babysitters has experience with multiples id consider it too much responsibility for them

I have now adult twins. Their dad was a fab dad - hands on, shared the load no question. We both worked. We became like partners in a business for a few years prob til they were about 3. And that was fine. Just accept and appreciate that you're both fully committed to the twins, and that this where your partnership is atm - not lovelydovey but "I got more nappies" and "they woke at 2 after an hours nap, they'll need to be in bed by 7" etc. These were our first and only DC and I grieve for the loss of the joy of babyhood most mothers get, because it's just fucking relentless slog. But you've got a good father for them it seems, so appreciate that aspect of him and try not to criticise on another. You're both doing an incredibly hard thing, together. And it DOES GET EASIER!!