Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Absolutely done if DH doesn't quit drinking.

57 replies

Fafafafabetter · 23/07/2022 02:20

Went out for a meal and he's drunk too much. Just got up and pissed in the bedroom. He's still drunk so is acting like I'm being dramatic about it.

I can't make him understand until he's sober. He's just said I wouldn't even let him have a full wee.

I'm so fucking sick of him ruining things. He's always the one that throws up or makes a fool of himself.

Every time he says he's going to stop and he never does.

Tomorrow is Day 1. If he doesn't quit I'm gone.

Every happy memory is just tainted by his behaviour and the horrible shit he says when drunk (he's just said all I ever do is ask him for money!!)

Am livid

OP posts:
AlrightyThen32 · 23/07/2022 11:31

I wouldn't say he's an alcoholic @Fafafafabetter from what you have said but obviously still has a problem.

Topseyt123 · 23/07/2022 11:43

Anyone who got so drunk that they pissed in the bedroom here would be out of the door. Disgraceful and inexcusable. We all have our line in the sand. Yours has been crossed now, and probably repeatedly.

He has alcohol issues. It controls him. I saw all of this almost first hand with my BIL. It cost him his marriage, his home, access to his toddler daughter and, for many years now, any contact at all with the rest of the family.

Your life would be greatly enhanced without this man in it. It would be very liberating for you.

pointythings · 23/07/2022 11:56

If they're teens then they will be aware of their father's dysfunctional drinking so all the more important to get them away from it.

And you don't need to drink every day to have an alcohol problem. (I do think 'alcoholic' is often an unhelpful term)

Rainbowqueeen · 23/07/2022 12:04

I second the advice to speak to Al-anon. Also well done on deciding not to put up with this any longer.

You and your DC deserve better

AnnaFF · 23/07/2022 12:13

pointythings · 23/07/2022 11:25

@Coffeeenema 4 cans is around 8 units - more than half the weekly recommended maximum and yes, that's classified as a binge.

There is always one 😂

Hoppinggreen · 23/07/2022 12:18

The amount he drinks isn’t the point.
The point is that his behaviour after drinking is unacceptable and gross. If he pissed on the bathroom floor after 4 or 14 pints the results are the same

D0lphine · 23/07/2022 12:20

Fafafafabetter · 23/07/2022 02:55

No. He only drinks on a Friday night. A 4 pack.

But if we go out he does this. Or if he goes out with his mates.

I wouldn't say a only drinking 4 pack on a Friday was a lot tbh... it's kinda normal.

But yeah going out, binging and pissing in the bedroom is completely unacceptable.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/07/2022 12:25

Its kinda normal for who though; him?.

Indeed its not the amount, its the behaviour afterwards.

He will not quit drinking so you are done. His primary relationship is with alcohol and not with you or your children.

Pumperthepumper · 23/07/2022 12:28

What did he drink at the meal?

Loopyloopy · 23/07/2022 12:33

AnnaFF · 23/07/2022 12:13

There is always one 😂

Show quote history

This PP is correct. Technically, over 8 units (for a man) is a binge.

Cyberworrier · 23/07/2022 12:45

OP, it's not even about the amount your partner drinks as to whether he is an alcoholic or not.

Is his drinking creating problems in his life or in the lives of those around him? Yes. So he has a problem. If his drinking/behaviour around drinking wasn't a problem, you wouldn't have started this thread.

It's absolutely the case that many men could have four cans of beer and be fine.
But your partner clearly isn't one of them.

I think for your own sake it'll be harder for you to talk about this with him or decide to leave if you are minimising his drinking by saying it's not that much or that bad. Pissing in a bedroom is disgusting and not evidently normal behaviour. Your post suggests that his drinking has impacted your life and your children's lives for a long time, even if it's not every day.

If you've (understandably) reached your limit, it's time to stop pretending everything is ok or not that bad and focus on yourself and your needs. It's very difficult to break out of the pattern of pretending everything is ok - or even making everything ok by tidying up or concealing what's going on. But if you want his drinking to stop affecting your life, you'll have to start making serious changes.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/07/2022 12:53

Talking to him about his alcohol intake will be a complete waste of time.

I would read about codependency and see how much of this reflects in your own behaviour towards him. His needs are not more important than your own here. Its also not your job to police his drinking nor is it your job to clean up after his mess. Its his task and his alone to sort out.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Do they really need to see all this in their lives?. Alcoholism is not called the family disease without good reason and you as his family are all affected by his drinking.

KarlWrenbury · 23/07/2022 13:11

alcoholism is nothing to do with the amount you drink it’s the amount you anticipate the drink: could be one glass of sherry but the anticipation shows more about your relationship with alcohol.

And remember the opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety . the opposite of addiction is connection. He sounds like he’s lost his connection with you
One day he will hit is rock bottom probably precipitated by you leaving and that will make him want to address his relationship with alcohol

KarlWrenbury · 23/07/2022 13:12

Plus what Attila said.

KarlWrenbury · 23/07/2022 13:12

At any rate, Al-Anon is a great organisation. I only went once but that was just enough

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/07/2022 13:16

"One day he will hit is rock bottom probably precipitated by you leaving and that will make him want to address his relationship with alcohol"

Will it though?. Sadly it may not. He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards. Only he can decide if he wants to address the reasons behind his drinking to get drunk and he is showing no indication whatsoever he wants to do that.

KarlWrenbury · 23/07/2022 13:23

Yy. That was optimistic!!

AnnaFF · 23/07/2022 13:31

Loopyloopy · 23/07/2022 12:33

This PP is correct. Technically, over 8 units (for a man) is a binge.

Show quote history

One night a week is not having a problem.

Most people I know will have 4 drinks on a night out.

Getting in the state he gets in is really not good.

Loobyloo68 · 23/07/2022 13:39

My first husband was alcoholic, lost every job he had cus he was to drunk to go to work on mondays, he thought weekends were for going to the pub. I got sick of having no money and hiding from the rent man so got a job myself. Once I'd got a few quid stashed I waited for the next violent outburst and had him locked up and an order not to contact me or come near the house. Best thing I ever did. Hes now in a poky flat 20 odd years after we split, I m now married again own my own house, have a steady job and last week he apologised to our kids for not being a good dad and not buying them anything when they were little. He still drinks though. Dont let yourself be second fiddle to a pint!!

KangFang · 23/07/2022 13:57

He won't quit though and you know this.

So - either stay or leave.

AlrightyThen32 · 23/07/2022 14:04

Love your story @Loobyloo68 it's inspirational x

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/07/2022 14:08

I am teetotal, my ex husband ruined every single occasion with his drinking. He was sick all over me and the inside of his tent, he wandered into someone elses bathroom and collapsed in there, he ruined my sisters wedding by getting so drunk he had to be carried to my car by several attendees.
Im so glad he left, my life is so much better now. So will yours be. A real man doesn't piss on the carpet like a dog.

Coyoacan · 23/07/2022 14:12

If alcohol makes you indulge in anti-social behaviour, it only works as an excuse the first time. After that, you know before you start to drink that you will probably act anti-socially and you still do it, so you take responsability for your actions.

BlossomWood · 23/07/2022 14:13

Gosh what you have written is my life with my DP (and by that I don't mean dear partner, I mean dickhead partner) . He just doesn't know when to stop drinking and takes it too far that he sleep wanders and attempts to pee anywhere. When he rocks up home at a certain level of drunk I don't sleep, I'm on alert to make sure he gets to the bathroom. I've cried, screamed, tried to reason with him, made him pay to replace things, asked him to not get in to a state but all that is swiftly forgotten once he starts drinking. Thankfully its not all the time but its happened enough. After the last time I told him if it happens again I'm gone! He went into a sad sulk that he can't have fun anymore because he can't trust himself to get carried away. I'm sick of normalising it and being told at some point everyone does it when they're drunk. (No they effing don't!) He doesn't have a healthy relationship with drink but won't get help. I can't offer any advice, just that it's shit and not a normal way to live. Deep down I know it will happen again, I just need to prepare myself to follow through with my promise.

girlmom21 · 23/07/2022 14:18

If 4 cans a week is a binge we're all fucked.

OP I hope he takes you seriously today.

Swipe left for the next trending thread