Never had a sex drive.

[NeverEverHaveI]

As the title says. I've never had a sex drive. Never. I never physically wanted sex. I do 'fancy' some men. Never been attracted to women.

What the hell is wrong with me ?

Asexual?

Probably best to post this in relationships OP

Have you had sex?
Do you have children?

Can you explain why you are saying this "now"?

Some people just don’t. I don’t think there’s necessarily anything ‘wrong’

So you fancy some men but don't want to have sex? What do you mean by fancy?

Just looked that up, thank you. I do physically react to sex, with the right person. I very much love my DP. But I don't often initiate sex. I don't often masterbate, but can mostly 'cum' alone.

I was pregnant at a young age. I used to think I'd gone off sex as a way to protect myself from having another child, in some self protective way.

I'm a bit lost.

@AlrightyThen32 I look at my Dp and I know I love everything about him. But I don't get the urge to have sex with him.

It sounds like you might have a low sex drive if there are times you do react to sex. I'm the same my sex drive is low tbh. I do react to it sometimes but I have to really be in the mood which isn't often come to think of it.

I think women's sex drive often decreases when bringing up young children. It probably is a bit self protective. Does it bother you or your partner?

Honestly, I had a child very young (in my teens). I don't think I had a sex drive before then.. or after.

People still use the term "Asexual" for people with very low sex drives. Romantic feelings and sexual feelings are two different things - you can be Asexual and still have romantic feelings for your DP.

Is it causing a problem in your relationship?

Yes, it very much bothers me. My DP doesn't know.

It’s a blessing to be honest. You can channel your “drive” into other exciting or noble things.

I think my sex drive was messed up because I was pregnant so young. Sex = pregnancy.

@PetalParty what do you mean? Please expand.

Do you think you associate sex with bad things and so you repress any feelings to keep yourself safe?

why don't you google asexual OP?
there are a number of guides, explanations and videos - there might be a "that's me" moment.
if you want a longer read there's several books on amazon.

It’s only a blessing if your partner has no interest in sex either and there’s a good foundation for a loving relationship without sex . otherwise, well..yeah. It doesn’t always end well.

by the way what’s “noble” about other things - is sex somehow not “noble”? Is this one of those “can’t stand all that huffing and puffing” posts from folk who somehow think sex is dirty and pointless?

I personally couldn’t live without it in my relationship but I guess that makes me a slut to some MN’ers.

I meant that I have enjoyed the time, and mental emotional freedom I have gained from not being preoccupied with sex (a lot of thought and energy goes into this!). It really does give you a different view of the world, and not necessarily for the worse.

I believe that sex drive, like many other things, is on a spectrum, from the very high, to the non existent, and there’s nothing wrong with that, especially if you accept it and find a place of comfort with it.

I have had some trauma in childhood so I do have a number of negative associations with sex, mainly fear based, and fear and arousal are not always good bedfellows. In fact, I’ve never really understood the big fuss. I get far more pleasure out of a really nice glass of wine and a fantastic meal. A massage that doesn’t have strings attached is a beautiful thing, too. I do actually love touch, just not touches leading to sex.

Yes, I do think it’s unfair if you have a partner, I would always strongly advise they are well informed before they get too involved.

Yes, I really enjoy kissing. Could do that for ages.

Just don't have the urge for sex.

Hey OP. I'm the same. I read so many threads on here about sex and feel really isolated and weird, to be frank. But I think there a lot of us out there. I went about 5 years without sex with my boyfriend and didn't think about it at all. I sometimes wonder whether it might be a hormone thing or to do with my anxiety but I certainly don't feel comfortable telling a doctor all this. You're not alone.

Have you spoken to a GP? The first thing I'd ask for is a test for total and free testosterone. They are apparently not that accurate and every woman will have her own optimum level, but it might give you a clue if they are either particularly high or low.

Are you on any contraception? I found they destroyed my sex drive and it only came back when I stopped taking them.

There is also a cleanliness consideration for me, although not a huge factor in comparison to everything else. And this part I have found difficult to mention, for fear of causing hurt feelings or discomfort.

…with all of that, it’s not easy and I find it easier to refrain and be clean and comfy and read a good book, even whilst cuddling.

Although for me, there may be a slight underlying undiagnosed autism spectrum traits. Very interesting that anxiety has been mentioned earlier, which for me also shuts down any sort of openness to sex. And if you’re feeling anxious a lot of the time… the results may be unsurprising.

The truly painful part of all this is partners taking this extremely personally and feeling unattractive or rejected, which doesn’t have anything to do with it, really. I do feel very upset on their behalf.

You might want to read the "Relate guide to sex in loving relationships" OP. You could also consider individual counseling with Relate to explore the issue with a neutral expert?

Wanting to have sex is great, and not wanting to have it can also be great and perfectly normal for some individuals. the range of human experience is really wide.

As it's bothering you, it's definitely worth exploring. But none of us can tell you what's right for you.

Good luck!

PetalParty also makes some really good points.

And, yes being on hormonal contraception always kills my libido dead.