Trying to keep moving, but scared

[crispsndip]

In the spring I told my abusive husband it was over and since then I've been mainly looking after the kids, with him cooperating sometimes. It's been a mess. But now I have the draft letter from my solicitor to look over, to start the divorce, and I'm a mess. I keep thinking about the times we had that were nice (not many in the past five years) or other times that were broadly companionable. I can't stop seeing it all through rose-tinted specs. Those walks we'll never go on again, things we will never do. Even though he was so rotten to me and really bullied me towards the end, remorselessly. How do I hold all these feelings? Does it mean I should delay the divorce and make sure?

Love is blind @crispsndip listen to your intuition and go through with the divorce. You deserve better

No it's all part of the process
Its grieving what should have been rather than what was
And like you say it's the rose tinted glasses
I go through phases where I have to dredge up the really shit stuff to block out the fantasy relationship I didn't have that my brain is trying to trick me into believing

I haven't been through a divorce, but I imagine once a major decision such as this becomes a reality rather than just theoretical it can throw up very mixed feelings. Women also have a tendency to feel responsible for others feelings and down play our own needs. Is it possible to begin the process by separating? Living separately would probably help you have a clearer mind.

Yes, we have separated. I'm usually certain it was the right thing but I think I felt very lonely, the kids are off school, and he's been absent long enough for me to be calm and not have an anxiety directly caused by his abuse. I'm so used to the emotional flavour of the abuse, if that makes sense. It's confusing.

I understand what you mean @crispsndip it's almost like the abuse becomes normal so it's a scary prospect walking away which is strange but I know what you mean. Your self worth will have been eroded so it's about building yourself back up away from him and hopefully with the support of family or friends

Thank you, @NotTodaySatan654 yes I think that probably is it

My wobble came when he started seeing someone else but was still open to getting back together
I had to constantly remind myself what a twat he'd been and no doubt still is
But a part of me wondered if he had changed as surely no one else would put up with the shit I did and I also got angry thinking he must have sorted himself out for someone else. But really I know that's not true

That sounds tough, @fedup078. It's so hard to look at a photo or think of a memory and not see the promise of the man you first hoped was there/first liked, before you realised he was cruel/unloving etc. It's almost like the brain can't do it. I have a list of all the bad things but still sometimes it doesn't make sense

@fedup078 could you seek some therapy? Either paid for or provided by a charity? The effects of trauma are very complex and wide ranging, and it is common to feel conflicting and confusing feelings like missing the abuser. A trained trauma specialist can help you make sense of what has happened and work through your feelings. I have no experience of this charity, but a number of similar organisations come up with a quick Google: www.traumabreakthrough.org/getting-help/

I feel a little bit better about this today, thank you