Communication - do you need it?!

[cattycatty12]

Following on from another post of mine, my partner is frying my brain.

We went through something awful and we both said things we shouldn't have.

Ffwd a couple of months and he's moved on, said he doesn't need to go over what was said and done.

I'm different in that there's 2 things he said that I just need to get off my chest how much they hurt and ask if one thing is something he still believes. I've asked him for reassurance that one thing being said won't happen again and the response was "as long as you don't say anything to me first". I said some awful things too but I'm a bit annoyed that the reassurance came with a caveat. I mean what if he feels hurt when I've done nothing - is he going to say something awful then?!

Anyway... I said it feels a bit controlling that he won't let me speak about this to help me move on. He says it's not all about me and that I need to compromise and that I'm being hypocritical because I'm making him talk about something he doesn't want to talk about 🤷‍♀️

I feel like I'm being told what I can and cannot say and feel that's unfair. It's a relationship - shouldn't we be able to talk about anything even if it's difficult? Help!

(Just to clarify we're still together - when I say moved on I mean moved on happily in the relationship)

IME you need to be allowed to talk about it to get closure and be able to move on otherwise you are likely to always be resentful and trying to bring it up. It's not all about you but it's not all about him either - he seems to have forgotten that. Can you suggest you have one evening where you talk about everything fully and then both put it behind you? Or even better talk it all through with a counsellor and agree not to discuss it outside of counselling? Those would be suitable
compromises IMO.

@Staynow thanks I've said that I need to speak about it to move on and be happy. He's refusing and I don't understand really. I've never had someone say "you can't talk to me about XYZ" it feels really bizarre!

He doesn't want to talk about it and I do and he says we need to compromise but I don't know what that looks like. It's just a conversation and one I need to put things to bed. I've never been in a relationship where I feel I'm not allowed to speak to my other half about things!

Sounds like you have opposing needs. If you're a talker and he's not, it won't work, basically. He'll feel pestered, you'll feel dismissed.

How does he suggest that the two of you compromise? Does he mean you have to do it his way?

This will be the beginning of the end. If one person copes by stonewalling and the other debriefing you can't move on.

@Watchkeys by basically not talking about what's upset me. I mean how do you compromise on something like this 🤦‍♀️

I totally understand. My husband hates me 'bringing up the past' even if it just happened yesterday whereas I need to talk to move on. He's getting better at it but it's still a bug bear, he's able to just move on without any kind of discussion/processing..

@Rowen32 I don't know how they do it! How do you manage when he doesn't want to discuss it? It feels really controlling for me - "you may speak to me about these topics only" type of thing! Feel like a wife in the 50s!

Right, so he's telling you you need to compromise by doing it his way. Which he knows doesn't work for you.

That's not good.

What's the rest of your relationship like? Is he respectful of your feelings? Does he listen when you talk to him, and make an effort to understand you? Is he supportive of your wants and needs?

Communication is about listening as well as being the one talking. Sounds like he is unwilling to recognise that.

I don't really.. I try to work through it myself as best I can.. Sometimes I've realised I actually need to vent so talk to myself 🤭 or ring my Mam and get it out of me.. That often does the job depending on what the issue is but like that, when it's hurtful I do really struggle.
I try to wonder whats behind it, why he's like that - he definitely would not have been brought up well emotionally - his mother would dismiss his needs/ feelings even now so I think that's where it comes from, he actually can't do it to a certain extent so I am trying to be patient and aware of that..
I don't think he does it to make things worse or hurt me even more and I don't think he's doing it to try and exert control - I just think he never learned to reflect and process emotions so he thinks he doesn't need to..
There's no solution I've discovered yet but he definitely is realising it's something I need to do
I've tried to use metaphors aswell.. To describe our relationship and then what's its like when something is unresolved - I think that helps when I paint it in a different way rather than saying 'I need to talk'
I do hate his mother how I believe she's failed him so I try to get that out of me too cos I think it's really sad and I do see it in him when she doesn't meet his needs..
I guess there's a part of him that learned to cope like that as a young child when he realised expressing himself got him into trouble (which I'm 100% sure it did) but it is hard and I hate feeling I have to play the therapist role on the time but at the same time I know its very deeply ingrained in him and he's probably not even consciously aware of it.
I think trying to paint an analogy so he could see it in a different way - like a nail in a tyre and the car isn't running as smoothly as it could be - something that would appeal to him.. So he sees it in more of a literal sense rather than emotionally and keep it kind of practical..
Make it clear he doesn't need to get emotional or go on a deep dive into his, just have a little chat to take the nail out so you can be happier..
My husband can be really unrecognisable sometimes when he stonewalls and that's when I see this hurt child or teenager in him.
I know he's a grown up now and I don't want to excuse it but I think any behaviour we have we only learned to survive when it seemed the only way, he wasn't taught any different.
The longer we're together the more able he's becoming to kind of break free of it all but it does depend on how triggering the actual argument was for him..
Maybe take a step back and see if you can see why he might be the way he is and find another way to get through to him
Obviously you have to mind yourself too and put your happiness first - remember there could be some reason behind it though and see where that brings you xx

I have no words about what happened last night. We're living separately and he sent a long message. Baring in mind the reason he didn't want me to speak about this was and I quote "going over the past won't help me move on "... His text begun with "I've been going over all our old messages"... Then the long text brought up everything he feels like I've done wrong the last 2 months.

Then the ending of the text was if I only want to speak about a couple of things then ok that's a fair compromise but I shouldn't use this chat as an opportunity to attack him. Which is exactly what he did in that entire message!!

I think a few days apart is a good call! Absolute hypocrite!

You're not going to stay with him, are you?

Oh well then I don't know what he's at! Bringing up old messages is totally contradictory - you may point that out and see what his response it. Make sure he knows he can't keep changing his goal posts!!

I replied this morning and I'm going to take a few days just to get my head around what the hell is going on! This is what I replied!

How DARE you say to me not to dig at you and then send a text like this... DIGGING me out. What I have to say is NOTHING like this text. You've just completely dug me out you absolute hypocrite.

Let's not speak for a few days.

😬 I was annoyed!

Sounds like an extremely toxic relationship with a lot of drama. Maybe you both need to grow up ?

@Catlover1970 I love it when there's a constructive MN reply 👌

Yep, he's a hypocrite. It is ok for him to analyse your old messages but not for you to talk about the past. Good old male hypocrisy and making 'rules' up as they go along.

When you say you have been through something awful do you mean something happened that was out of your control or was it something he caused.

His daughter spat on my son 3 times, nothing was done about it. My son then didn't want to be here - so we had a big argument and he left me at 29 weeks pregnant. Even though the furniture was his, I had no fridge bed or sofa as he took them all (never expected to keep them) but I did expect a conversation from him to ask me when I could get those items myself before he took them..

This relationship sounds disastrous. @Catlover1970 has it right.

Thank you - I agree with you too. Feel sorry for the kids…