Hi all,
This is pretty minor in the grand scheme of life but is something I'm really struggling with so thought I'd use you as a sounding board!
I've been with my other half for nearly 25 years now, ever since university and it's pretty much been fantastic throughout, like being with your best friend essentially. However, about 12 years into the relationship, before we'd got married, they confessed to cheating on me when they went back for a visit to their home town a few years previously. I was genuinely shell-shocked. They said it was a result of a huge amount of alcohol but then it was slipped in that they saw them again the following day which nearly destroyed me. The excuse given was that we'd been together so long they'd not known different/nice to feel desired (which I took umbrage too as it wasn't like things were lacking at home)/old school flame etc.
Consequently I moved to a friends for a few weeks to get my head around it all. I hadn't/didn't want to break up and they were genuinely were devastated and couldn't live with the guilt any more. Obviously we moved on together and after a while I managed to stop thinking about it every 3 seconds and we got married, had kids and have had a pretty great life.
A few months ago I was on our shared ipad and home and a message pops up asking if "x" (me) was mad at the two of them being out so late. My partner has Facebook logged into the pad so messenger is on there and I'm fully aware it's a horrible thing to do but I opened the thread. It turns out at the very least the pair of them (they're married as well) were kissing a lot at the end of a huge night out drinking in a big group. There was definitely implications that more happened but not specifically stated.
I erupted at confronted my partner and they blamed alcohol and said it was just a really good friend who kissed them and meant nothing. I said the back and forth didn't imply that and mysteriously all the messages had gone. I now cast my mind back to the times they've been out now and second guessing everything. That instance was a huge work shindig and they came in at 6am. I've never objected to them going out with their own friends as I've never been possessive in that way but maybe I flipping should have been :(
Again, naively I never saw it coming. Do I trust them that it was just a kiss? I have literally no way of knowing beyond taking them at their word which ordinarily I'd have backed with my life. I also don't want to break up, I never have. I always assumed things were great between us and we also have two kids which complicates things no end. I can handle a drunken kiss on a night out but what I can't seem to get over was the tone of the messages and the fact the stories don't add up and I don't know if it's just me still unconsciously struggling from all those years ago.
I'm torn between wanting to just take them at their word that they're mortified at their stupidity and move on and thinking they're mortified because they've been caught and to go and ruin the other marriage for good measure! In both situations what exacerbated it was the time lapse. First time years before a confession and this time no confession at all but maybe if it was just a kiss they thought it meant nothing.
As I said, I know it's probably not much to a lot of people but I don't know what to do or say.