Am I being a selfish cow .... l don't want the DH roadshow this year ?

[Haylo]

For anyone looking in on our family unit it should be great, 2 great kids DS 2.5 and DD 6 months, l stay at home full time, DH has big paid job in city, great house, cars, investing in other property for our future, holiday home in europe about to be completed and financially stable .. but my DH just seems to make our lives a constant roadshow all about him.

He has just changed jobs after 10 years with the same employer, big pay increase, took 7 weeks off to spend some family time with us before he started the new job. Commuting to work 2 hours each way, he has done it before and not loved it, but said it would be worth it for more money, but now after 2 weeks he is saying he cannot go on.. the travelling or the job .. he feels he has no life, and is miserable all of the time. He had a period off work 2 years ago with exhaustion ( 4 weeks) and we re assessed our family and plans , we have done everything we planned and more, and yet he is never satisfied, someone has always got it better or the 'grass is greener' for them, l am not talking material stuff here, he lists commuting, money, time with the kids, having no family around (we live 200 miles from them), no social life, he wants to go to the gym but feels guilty, wants to be self employed and not answer to anyone else etc etc ... there is always something and when he feels down everyone has to suffer, he is like a child who needs to be reassured all of the time. l know he is feeling a bit out of his depth at work, but l think he should stick it out for a couple of months to see how he really feels, this is like a scared reaction. And when he is scared he wants to run and is coming up with hare brain ideas to move home and job etc etc .. and l am expected to live, breath and talk about nothing else, otherwise he says l am not supporting him.

What really pisses me off is he doesn't help himself, to bed late, won't have breakfast,often misses lunch, won't be seen leaving the office before 6.30, won't work on the train and won't talk to his boss about some flexible working or over night stays because he is worried what his colleagues will think. l do 100% everything at home and for the kids to make his role as easy as possible, l really do not think he realises how good he has it. He probably needs to speak to other Dads to see just how little he does do. He is just very clever at making people feel 'sorry' for him, a very needy person at home and work who needs reassurance and praise all of the time, its exhausting for me after taking care of the kids all day, just like having a 3rd child really, all take and no give. He says some awful things to me sometimes about not doing paid work so l wouldn't understand and about sitting on my arse all day, then says he doesn't mean it, but l really think he has a problem with it and he compares what l have to himself just like he does with everyone else. It just seems our life is always about wishing for something else, trawling the net for a house the other end of the country where he has this perfect job that pays less but gets him home at 5pm to bath and feed the kids (when he is home he is not much help anyway )

My Dad has been diagnosed this last 2 months with inoperable secondary cancers, we don't know how long we have with him, its hard living so far away. l just thought this year could be about someone else for a change, that my DH would be 'content' for a while albeit with some compromises, that l could spend as much time as possible with my Dad so he gets to see the kids as much as possible.

But the best laid plans and all that .... am l being a selfish cow for just wanting to say get a grip you prat, just stay put for now and see how things go, help yourself a bit and stop being so bloody sorry for yourself ????????

My God, I can so relate to your post.
I have to support my DH emotionally for the whole of our marriage. But I don't get the same level of support back. Also get the taking on too much work, being moody & grumpy, and refusing to cut back.

So cannot give ou much advice on changing it. But I do consider you are well within your rights to ask him to settle down and do this job for 6 months, try to enjoy and see the positives in this new job. Then sit down and re-evaluate.

Thankyou theITgirl, its weird but to everyone else my DH is so confident and on the ball, but with me he is his real self insecure, l should be flattered he can be himself with me, but it just gets exhausting doesn't it ... he just rang from work .... he rings several times a day for emotional sound boarding l think, l should be paid for this service !!!!

Yup, DH is the life and soul of the party. He doesn't ring me during the day BUT when he comes up to bed late, if I wake up ever so slightly, he will want a 2 hour discussion - all I want is to go back to sleep as I have to get up at 6:00am

Oh, for anyone else reading DH is a good man, wonderful husband & father, loves us all, generous etc - it is just the amount of emotional support is very tiring and never ending, there are peaks and troughs but no long periods where you are the one that is supported emotionally (well you do get the odd hour, but never sustained support).

Haylo - would you say the same?

My DH is a very loving father, although my 2.5 year old DS sometimes drives him to distraction, but then aren't all little boys with the terrible twos like that ? But l would say DH is not very good at giving support, if l have cold for example his is worse you know, and l don't find him particularly giving of things which cost nothing, everything is measured in financial terms with him. For example he cannot understand why l would want to volunteer to be a breastfeeding peer support at my local baby cafe and postnatal ward, his first question was are they paying you ???

The peaks and troughs are very true, just right now l feel we have been on a peak for the last 2 years and he will always be yearning for something else/more, his cup is always half empty as they say.

But then he does something lovely and l forget the prat he has been and all is forgotten, why do we do that ? ...

Masses of sympathy for you. One thing that has worked for me for the past few months is scheduling an evening each to go out and do our own thing. DH has Sunday evenings for the pub quiz and I have Wednesday evenings for my scrapbooking class. These evenings are fixed, so DH not allowed to work late on Wednesdays and if we go away for the weekend I try to make sure that we are back in time on Sundays.

This has helped him as even though he has always done the pub quiz, he doesn't feel guilty about it as I have my evening out as well. Is there anything you would like to do in the evenings or weekends without the rest of the family, then your dh doesn't have to feel guilty about going to the gym or whatever he wants to do. Maybe go to see your Dad & stay over, on your DH's night out.

We have just finished a peak so I am hoping for some time to recharge my batteries.

I've only read the OP but your DH sounds a lot like me.

I suffer from depression

I feel like I want to post more as your DH sounds so like me but I don't know where to start

But dittany, he has only been doing the job for 2 weeks. If the job works out, possibly move house but Heylo's dh needs to make sure that this is the right job first.

MascaraOHara, I would be interested as well, I have wondered about depression with my dh. It just didn't seem to fit properly

Believe me l am not attached to my house and would move, the area he wants to move to is much nearer my folks which l would love, but ... this is what happens he creates this 'if only l had this and l would be ok' and when he achieves it the reality is not what he wants at all. l just don't want to jump to another major change to find in a years time there is something else he needs to fix to be truly happy. Its a never ending saga of happy at work everything at home ok and then everything not happy at work therefore l need to move/change career etc etc ... l just do not want to get my Dads hopes up that this move might happen anytime soon (in fact l am not going to mention it and will forbid DH doing so) given my Dads condition. l just think he needs to give it some time. Depression and self esteem have a greater part to play here than the 4 hour commute, because l believe if he had just started the same job nearer our home he would still be feeling crap right now.

Hi there,

a man here...

I don't think you are being selfish as such but I do think you need to get your head around what is really happening to your DH.

It has been said elsewhere in this thread and I fully concur, it does sound like there is some mental disturbance around for your DH. Whether that is depression and/or simply exhaustion and/or other issues coming up for him is slightly irrelevant. I think the warning lights should be out there at this moment in time as, from your description, he sounds like he could be running headlong into a breakdown.

Now, it is important to differentiate between two very important issues. The first is your DH, as outlined above. The second is yourself and there is no doubt that being with someone who is unwell (however you want to take that term) like your husband can be extraordinarily exhausting and it is no surprise that you seem to be being brought down with him.

Unfortunately I am unable to really help you with solutions in such a short response - and without knowing either of you personally - but you both need compassion and support at this moment in time - and the reality is he is too unwell to give it to you, and you are getting to tired of him to give it to him.

That is why the support you will need to seek may have to come from an outside source and, yes, that source would be either counselling and/or seeing a doctor.

Come at it from the angle of being concerned about his wellbeing, not from the angle of you can no longer bear his "roadshow" anymore. You will be doing yourself and great favour and him too.

Sorry if that sounds like stock advice, I don't mean it to. I can just hear certain alarm bells ringing and they need to be attended to, IMHO.

Good luck to both of you.

Nights out would be great, l am still Bfing on demand so l probably cannot realistically go out for now, but in a few months yes. l have suggested DH does to the gym on weekend afternoons if we are home from day out and kids and me have a nap anyway, he won't saying he feels guilty spending time apart from the family and money on himself 1) he only wants to watch TV anyway (thats not really quality family time) 2) money is really no issue £5 for a gym and swim at our local which is great and 3) he moans how he never has the time to exercise etc etc ... you can lead a horse to water and all that .. and then it gets bloody frustrating and you begin to feel someone needs to start helping themselves. If we lived closer to the parents it would be easier but they (both sets) are 4 hours away. He says he would love the social scene my Dad and brother have, they could plug him into the local stuff, but when we stay there for more than a few days he says it feels like the Waltons and he wants to come home ... ummm

Just to give an alternate DH perspective... I used to work in the type of job I imagine your DH has in the City. It is an utterly brutal and unforgiving environment where people really don't give a shit about any vestige of a life outside work which you might have.

The junior people are young (often Continental) and have no ties and are free to work around the clock and at weekends and be at work's beck and call. If someone says to them "You're not going home tonight, and we need you over the weekend", they just say "No problem." The senior guys often live in the city during the week and go home at weekends so are ditto available any time. Most of them, apart from having wives who don't work, also have nannies for their kids so have little concept of needing to get back to help out with the family. Pretty much all of them have f**k all sympathy for anyone who can't do whatever the firm requires, whenever. They're not bad people; they're just people who prioritise work over everything else.

The pay off for having no life is, well, a very large pay off - it's up to you whether you think the money you make is worth giving up your life for; no-one's holding a gun to your head. On the other hand, once you're on the treadmill it's very hard to get off - you bitch and whinge and moan think "one more bonus, then I'm out of here"... but, I'm afraid to say, you get used to the money and what it brings.

From your DH's perspective, as a father, he probably feels this all the more, wanting to provide for you and the kids. Give them the very best he can. Anyone would, be it new clothes, private education, wonderful holidays. And bearing in mind where he works, he probably assumes all of those and more are just the norm. Even if he hates what he does, and the stress he brings he may well feel "obliged" to be a good dad and bring in as much money as possible to make sure his kids have the best life possible.

I know a couple of guys in the same position as your DH, and they're the same. Constantly fantasing about jobs where they move to Cornwall or somewhere and spend loads of time with their wife and kids, earning less money but having a wonderful quality of life. "Next year" they always say, "next year"... and then "next year", they get paid a big bonus again....

This isn't to say, incidentally, that your DH deserves sympathy and the coddling he seems to demand. He doesn't and he's a grown man capable of getting out if he wants to or sticking with it and being happy about it if he doesn't. Just to give an alternate perspective though...

Something we found helped in this situation was for him to book into cheap hoptel (Travellodge often has rooms for as little as £15 if you book in advance) for one or two nights midweek. Means he can work really late a couple of nights and not have the stress of the commute. And it means I get an evening of being able to use the computer and not having to worry about his dinner. Works for us.. probably would not help if work is central london as hotels too expensive. Also needs some trust, and self discipline for him not to drink or watch TV too much on those nights.

Nobody who knows me would ever believe that I suffer from depression.. on the outside, I am realatively successfull happy single parent, have everything we need (not everything I want) I never appear down. I work long hours.

I'm learning through counselling (and many failed relationships) that I am driving to fill an internal void with material things and I look for this to be feeled by other people also. In reality I know none of my material things or relationships will give me what I need as it's something I lack internally.

My counsellor thiks I should have more time out taking stock and feels I fill my time with things because it helps me avoid the real issues.

At one point a few years ago I was working anything up to 16-18 hours a day.. but I've curved that now. I was exhausted but not tired. I felt emotionally drained but not tired.

It was almost like I knew I couldn't go on like that but at the same time I thought if I stopped or made a major change evreything would come crashing down.

I'm also very frightened of failiure or being perceived as failing... everything is about other peoples perception of me.

I've recently started reading a book about Highly Senstivie Children and am wondering if I was a HSC but due to my upbringing have burried it so much it manifests itself in other ways.

Do you feel your DH's are quite negative people?

Just read OP.. In the city would be too expensive for hotels, and probably more temptation for socialising, rather than watching TV.

New jobs are bl**dy hard for most people. When he stresses at me, I ask DP was today a bit better than yesterday and was this week a bit better than last? Usually the answer is "well, yes a bit" so he can see that he's settling in and it will get easier. Then the project beds in and he can work normal hours for a while and then he has to get geared up to find a new contract and it all starts again.

Mascara, I don't think my DH is a negative person (which is why I am unsure about depression).
I think it is lack of confidence, he has had some very bad bosses which is one of the main reasons the last couple of years have been so hard. Although he knows I love him and never want to leave, it is as if he 'cannot believe his luck' - I know that seems bigheaded, but don't know how else to put it.

yes low self esteem/confidence is an issue for me.. which is what I'm seeing a counsellor about.

I think they lead to my depression. I should add I'm only considered 'mildly depressed' not suicidal or anything.

Thankyou all for your responses - the going to the docs thing has been brought up by me, wanting him to get some help before things escalate but he says its not at that stage YET, but l feel like its being held over me, like if we don't do what l want it could get quite bad.
The city life thing l think is true, he is now a much smaller fish in a bigger pond so to speak, he needs praise to feel worthy, but he is now working in an environment where they are all high flyers and he is the norm and not the exception. He does work for one of the best firms in the country for supporting their staff, its crazy his skills and time command several £k per day and his employer paying for him to stay over in a central hotel is not a problem, and yet he feels if he asks he is being seen by his peers as having special treatment some how.
We both agree a night for him not to have to commute (or the next morning) would really help him and give me some time to have the kids in bed early and some time for me. Having 2 kids under 3 is challenging, we are all tired mentally and physically at the end of the day, but its not a competition.
A lot of this stems from childhood l think, he yearns praise and pats on the back that he feels he never got from his father, he had some therapy and his counsellor concluded that his father was still not giving him the l am proud of you son comments because he felt jealous that my DH had long passed the achievements he had in his working life. He tried talking to his Dad but nothing came of it. He is a second child also to a highly clever older sister who now suffers with chronic OCD, he has always felt in competition with her in attention from his parents and academic and work , and she now gets most of the attention from his folks because of her condition.

Just on the hotel thing, if he can afford it, why doesn't he pay for one himself? You can get reasonable City apart-hotels for £100-120 per night.

haylo

i think if you read cestlavie's post and then postingatlast's post...

you have the cause and the effect...

i agree your dh doesn't sound mentally well and i agree with postingatlast that while that is miserable for you too, he may well genuinely need support.

anyway hth and good luck.

I also agree that the problems run deep from his childhood. He does need counseling, it is just another thing to add to his pile of stress unfortunately. There are many people including myself that suffer with depression that are highly functional. His worry about what others think about him, his striving for success and then finding it empty, his need for praise--all the signs are there that he is not only dealing with something mental it is also physical.

I know how difficult this must be for you Haylo, but it is tough living inside of his body too. It would be wonderful if you could convince him to go to counseling again and see if he can look at some of his core issues. If you can be firm with him in your request, hopefully he will respond positively and take it seriously so that both of you can get the relief you deserve.

great post Sunchowder, esp second para