Impossible to split? very long story

[HangerLaneGyratorySystem]

I'm 60, H is 66, married 30+ years. We've always had a rocky relationship, I was completely irresponsible in allowing it to go on and on, but we had big debts (and subsequently pensions aren't too good esp mine) and small kids so I left it and waited. When the DC were younger he was awful, aggressive and lazy. I saw him being described in so many threads on MN which opened my eyes. I never kept a diary or log of his behaviour but it affected the DCs too. I know I was wrong never to tackle it and that's led me to this age, and this dilemma.

Now DC are late teens/early 20s and the youngest has severe MH issues, housebound and under a specialist. can't be left alone. Before this became clear, I had seen a solicitor and planned to leave, I was then 56. But DC was so unwell, all resources, time and emotions were spent supporting just to prevent suicide or self harm etc. Since the extent of the illness became clear H has reigned behaviour in, so now he's just constantly irritable, occasionally blows up at me, and we bicker all the time. I refuse to engage so as to shield DC as far as possible. He still believes he has done nothing wrong in our entire marriage, says he is blameless and I have ruined his life so not the sort to sit down and discuss the problems. He has no family and only a handful of not very close friends. He has a small private pension and is currently working part time to top it up before he claims the state pension. If we split the equity in the house we will end up in small flats or have to move a very long distance from everything we know. The DCs know that I am planning to split and want us both to be happy. Herein lies the impossible situation: Eldest DC is looking to move out anyway, but unwell youngest thinks the split will lead to some sort of idyll where both parents have a nice house and can do things like go on nice holidays and pursue their own interests.

Thats not going to happen. We will both struggle with a share of the equity, we'd need to top up with mortgages and the loans we can afford won't buy us much. We can't travel, even my going out for a few hours is difficult, and we can't leave unwell DC alone. But even if we could travel, neither of us will have any money left to do so. DC said to me I need you to leave and go and have a happy life, in a nice house (with them) and show me its possible. When I said it might not be as simple as all that, she asked "are you telling me that I am struggling to recover from this illness, and you are saying I might have to move into a horrible house and that you STILL won't have any money?! When are you EVER going to be happy mum?" And you know, that's a fair assessment isn't it? Not an attractive prospect.

I can't provide the future for my DC think that we could/should have. The future is uncertain, frighteningly so as I head towards retirement not in 100% good health, retiring on (just over) basic state pension still owing a mortgage and with little or no support. I will never be able to do what DC thinks I should do, what they know I'd like ideally, and provide safe secure housing for us all. if it was just me, I could say yeah you know, sod it, I'll risk it, I'll try to get the peace of mind and freedom I deserve. But it isn't likely to be just me for a long time if ever; prognosis for unwell DC is that they may recover to an extent but will always need extra help, and that the upheaval I am planning will badly affect the chances of recovery in any case. I waited 4 years thinking they'd get better and now I am 60 I am thinking how on earth can I wait any longer? And the longer I wait, the less I can borrow on a new mortgage in any case.

I might have missed stuff, please ask questions. I also expect a lot of people to say you can just leave. A whilst back I posted a bit on here and a poster told me that I was using unwell DC as an excuse not to leave. I've got a friend telling me H and I would simply get two council houses, or I could go to a refuge (and she believes its that easy). Others saying you need to leave so you'll just have to move into a flat (with no room for oldest DC, plus we have a dog). And yet more saying its entirely irresponsible to go ahead with this split at your time of life with no one to look after unwell DC whilst you are at work etc etc, move away from what few friends and family you do have and lose your lovely house and garden.

I read recently that splitting up at this age may simply replaces one unhappiness with another and I seem to be the case in point. I'm scared for us all.

DC said to me I need you to leave and go and have a happy life, in a nice house (with them) and show me its possible. When I said it might not be as simple as all that, she asked "are you telling me that I am struggling to recover from this illness, and you are saying I might have to move into a horrible house and that you STILL won't have any money?! When are you EVER going to be happy mum?"

I wonder if she meant it how it sounds. Maybe she just wants you to take a more positive view of the future, however things unfold. You seem to be focusing entirely on the negatives.

Your friends who urge you not to give up a nice house, etc, are completely ignoring how soul-destroying this is for you and your DC.

Could you try renting somewhere, just to see what it's like? Do you have the freedom to go somewhere completely new, where your standard of living could be better?

Can you share some rough figures with us? I’m finding it really hard to imagine without.

Just wanted to say thank you as almost every poster has really "got it" and shared some good ideas.

I am still here listening. Yesterday I went to a very trusted confidant and we looked at figures again, and today I am talking to my DD's psychologist about how she might be able to cope with this. For those asking she is 18. She didn't ask to be so desperately unwell and no way is DD entitled! She just wants me to be happy, but neither of my DC can forget how H behaved to them when they were young and they are not prepared to put up with his outbursts even though they are now much less frequent and explosive than 5 years ago when I first began to take steps to leave. Interestingly my friend yesterday knew my late mother, and I said to her what on earth would mum think of all this she'd be ashamed of how I've allowed this to go on, and my friend said no she'd just "want you to be happy". That's not really an indicator of entitlement is it! And I think most people would be worried about a drop in a standard of living that is pretty low as it is.

I think @FiguringItOut544 has really summed it all up - yes, these are the combination of options I have. Just need to find which is the most appealing, which is the most sensible and try and marry them up. I will update again and reply to more points as soon as I can.

You say your scared for you all
yet you also say he’s rained it in and is now just irritable
if he’s just irritable ,he’s not posing a threat to anyone currently?
or have I misunderstood

So here I am today, waiting for him to come back to tell him I want .. what do I want? A new life? I feel ridiculous. I'm looking around our house and thinking of everything I'd be giving up, help with DD, sharing looking after the dog, lots of room, years spent getting this house how we wanted it etc., the amount of work that needs doing before we could go on the market, the upheaval, putting stuff in storage, trying to secure accommodation for me and DC, it just seems completely overwhelming and for what? The new life is likely to be much more difficult than this one.

No wonder women just stay - well probably many men too - at this age, you just think WTAF will I gain from this? I will struggle practically, financially and physically. Feeling a bit sick.

I think you would be crazy to leave
the children can all leave home when it suits them
you have done your best providing a stable home and being the best mum you can be
it sounds like your husband realised the seriousness of the situation with your youngest and has altered his behaviour
I don’t see the point in ending a marriage because the husband wasn’t nice however many years ago .
the reality is bills have gone up ,and you would end up in a grotty flat .
saying that
no one should stay in a relationship they don’t want to be in ,and anyone can leave a relationship for any reason they like .
it’s entirely up to you ,which is the lesser of 2 evils ,go or stay ,neither will be a bed of roses
but whatever you choose ,choose it for you
your dd will not always need so much care ,so don’t split up for them ,as they will fly nest one day ,and then you be be left alone with a lower standard of living .
your probably alone in the marriage anyway
just .what ever you do ,do it for you

Thank you @Dinogirl50 much of what you say is correct, I can't argue with it. I think its particularly relevant that you said the worst of his behaviour was some years ago. But I can't forget it and neither can my DC. I've told him now. I said I want to split, and it IS what I want for me. I can't end my life with this person, I can't live out the final 20 or whatever years like this. However, if we can't get the accommodation we both want (i.e., non-grotty flats) then we will attempt to continue as a house share. Thats the plan so far. I have no idea if any of this will work but I think one day at a time.

I am very aware that "grey" divorces can end with both partners living out a miserable lonely existence, not to mention being in dire straits financially. Its not my intention to cut him off after all these years. We've booked up with Relate to have the counselling for ending a relationship - I suggested it and he agreed straight away. We now face being stuck here for 9 months whilst it all goes through or maybe even more, so I think we should grab the Relate opportunity (its 6 hours free through his insurance) to see if we can agree a way forward. I'm not expecting miracles as we were with them 20 years ago and he just said "not worth it". If only we'd continued eh?

Your dd is an adult at 18
She may well be entitled to supported living /housing
Start looking and asking adult social services
You could then move to be near her place

Stop looking at barriers
Look at solutions
Nice house is pointless if you miserable

I wouldn’t automatically give up any rights to his pension in exchange for more equity. You may find you are entitled to more equity automatically.
This might sound harsh but have you thought about letting the dog stay with your husband and offering to look after he/she for holidays etc? You have so much to think about it would be one less responsibility financially and time wise.

Start enquiring for council rented property now, get your name on a list. You can always buy once you have settled everything, but you might find not having the responsibility for house maintenance a blessing. Owning a property is very much over valued. Happiness and time to look after your daughter is so much more important. If you have little income as a pensioner you may be eligible for benefits. You might find getting a mortgage nigh on impossible with only 7 years of repayments, this also could be something worth exploring so you are armed with as much information as possible.

Finally, be aware of your husband hiding any income now he knows you are serious about splitting. In the same way that you could always save a little somewhere that he is not aware of.

I hope you have some good friends to support you.

That sounds a really brave and helpful step. I’m not your age, but I’ve been through a painful separation. I had to move to a tiny place with only the bare minimum of second hand furniture but oh how I wnjoyed the freedom and tranquility. Happiness is priceless. There is so much to navigate but you can find peace. The future doesn’t have to be lonely and miserable.