@Lost1967 I can see how this must be very hard for you, and heartbreaking, you must feel as though you’ve been trying your best, while still trying to also live your own satisfying life. It sounds as though you feel you can’t win, and with the added complication of his mental illness you might wonder if it has anything to do with your choices at all or if anything you would have done would result in the same sort of anger from him maybe?
I’ve seen this sort of situation a lot before so I am going to share a perspective which I think at least some of which could be true for your son. I’m going to do a translation of how your OP might come across to him if he were to read it, and may also come across to other people who are having a strong reaction against what you’re saying. Obviously this is just a guess, but it’s a somewhat educated guess, and I am not necessarily saying this is what you mean at all, but someone in pain could see it this way. T is for translation:
“I have a son who is an adult he’s just got married.
T -“My son should be mature enough to get over issues from his childhood, there must be something wrong with him that he can’t”
He didn’t invite my husband as he said he doesn’t like him all if a sudden
T ”he doesn’t like my husband for no good reason, this was essentially an arbitrary sudden dislike that does warrant me taking it seriously”
Our relationship is getting worse the older he gets.
T: “he’s bad, he is what makes our relationship bad and I have no hope that I will see him as a good person again, in fact, I predict I will like him less and less”
He’s paranoid keeps on bringing stuff up from the past which has never happened .
T:” his memories don’t match my memory of events, therefore I won’t take them seriously. There is something fundamentally wrong with him, that is why he believes what he believes. There is no possibility, that my memories could be wrong.”
Accusing me of things that happened to him .
T ”I don’t believe what I did, or let happen, hurt him in any deep way, so I’m not really sorry even if I say the words”
He was jealous of his half brother when he was born.
T “look, here’s more proof there’s something a bit wrong with him, I hope you see why I dislike him so much”
We take one step forward then five back .
T “he’s no good, I have no faith he will change and improve our relationship, him being better is the only way our relationship can improve- it’s nothing to do with me or my behaviour. He is the bad one”
He’s angry all the time and is just mean to me.
T “when he is hurting, it’s because he defective, immature and mentally ill; when I am hurting, it’s because he’s cruel and irrationally angry- the poison is in him”
I have had enough of it all.
T “I’ve made a good case of why I shouldn’t love him unconditionally, I have no faith in my son and will leave him in the darkness because it’s him that’s the problem. I do love his brother more than him”
I love him but I don’t like him very much.
T “I don’t love him, but I know it’s taboo to say that, it would make me look like a bit of a monster. I’m not wrong, he’s the bad one, not me”
He’s suffered with his mental health and has counselling.
T “he’s mentally ill, needed professional help, so more proof he’s the problem here. When he’s mentally ill it’s proof I don’t need to take him at his word, but when I’m mentally ill it’s proof he’s cruel to me”
He told me the counsellor blamed it all on me and his dad which I know wouldn’t happen,
T “when he tries to make his case that I bare a lot of responsibility for the pain he carries with him from his childhood, I think he’s lying to make me feel bad. He doesn’t want me to understand how he feel, he wants to hurt me, because he’s bad”
I don’t know what to do anymore I’m at a loss but it’s affecting my mental health .
T “I’ve given up on my son and want to discard him, I can discard people I say I love when they disappoint me. I have another child, another partner, I don’t need him to be happy. In fact, his pain is an act of aggression towards me that makes me mentally ill, because he is bad. Because of that, he not only lost his father figure(s), he will now lose his only mother to the family she likes better. He’s not entitled to love from me unless he’s good, and I predict he will never be good again”
Just one perspective. I may have it completely wrong, but when I hear people talk about these situations, from your son’s perspective, these are the sorts of things they say. Phrases like “I don’t know what to do anymore” or similar, sound innocuous, but they can cause a deep panic in people who have a deep fear of being left alone by the most important people in their lives. He loves you, he’s just stressed you will completely give up on him maybe, and is trying to push it forward a bit so he doesn’t have to live in fear of it. Maybe- the only way to know is to try talking to him, without defending and deflecting, and try to really hear what he’s telling you and accept it as real to him.