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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I not ruin my life with worrying?

52 replies

twelveactions · 22/07/2022 11:36

Genuinely curious to hear from anyone who has advice or has dealt with this.

My whole life, I've been in survival mode and essentially always think worst case scenario.

DP not replied to text? Maybe he's cheating or doesn't like me anymore.
Best friend being a bit more dry than usual? Maybe she's upset with me and will betray me.
Boss wants to talk to me? I'm going to get fired.
Tell someone vulnerable information they won't think twice about? They're gonna expose me.
Puts social media profile on public or has name on profile? Maybe someone will harm me.

I've been to therapy for years, and I notice when I do go, I'm in a self help vicious circle for years and years. I have the knowledge I'm doing the above and I know why I do it - but sometimes that's not enough. I cannot rehash my childhood every week, I know it inside and out and why this is the way I am. It's got to the point I now cringe when I'm reading about anxiety and attachment and things because I know it inside out.

Any tips or any experiences for this 20 something year old so she doesn't watch the rest of her life pass her by, as she's scared to actually live her life?

OP posts:
moiraandthebebe · 22/07/2022 11:39

I used to have severe anxiety which caused these feelings. What worked for me was thinking about each fear logically with a 'What's the worst that can happen? What next?' mentality.

DH is cheating - worst case scenario he's found another woman. So...what next?

You give your brain space to focus on the actual plans more than the worries and you feel like you regain more control. If the worst happens, you know exactly what you're doing next.

99.9% of the time the fear never comes to fruition but your mind is satisfied you have a plan anyway. It's the only way I've learned to 'control' it.

MadMadMadamMim · 22/07/2022 11:46

Think FEAR - Future Events Aren't Real. You are winding yourself up over the possibilities of something that doesn't actually exist and will probably never happen. What a waste of emotional energy. Your brain has invented a situation that doesn't exist and because it's inside your skull and can't tell reality from invention then your whole body is now stressing about something that isn't real. As you say - you are constantly in survival mode.

You have to repeat to yourself Future Events Aren't Real. If whatever horror you are cooking up does ever actually come to pass then you'll deal with it then. If and when it happens. But trying to deal with an imaginary event that is basically all in your head is utterly pointless. There's nothing to resolve - it isn't real. You need to be mindful and just live in the moment.

It's like planning for a Zombie Apocalypse. Great, if one occurs, you've planned it out. But it probably won't - so you've had a lot of anxiety and stress over something that never existed.

I speak as someone who's been there...

Viviennemary · 22/07/2022 11:47

What about cbt. I havent tried it myself bit its meant to be very effective.

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 22/07/2022 11:58

You already know everything rationally, but your emotional side doesn't. What worked for me was "reparenting". Google it. Sounds bonkers but can be very helpful. So you can heal the inner child and not only understand the emotions of your childhood, but also feel them, process them, and eventually heal.

sleepymum50 · 22/07/2022 12:04

It’s not the same but I’ve been using reframing to deal with stuff.

Eg I’ve had a row with STBXH, and I feel awful and guilty. I reframe it to “he’s been a shit to me for a long time, so it’s only right I should tell him what he’s done”

so perhaps every time you think the worst thing, you have to come up with at least one other reason ie he’s probably busy. Maybe by pairing the bad with a good or neutral thing it will lessen over time.

Sittingonabench · 22/07/2022 12:31

Try To creat new paths in your brain. When you start to catastrophise - consider the more mundane possibilities and put an action on the end to solidify it and take charge.
e.g dp doesn’t respond - his phone has ran out of charge get a charger or battery bank and charge it to give him next time you see him. Friend is a bit cold - maybe she’s having a crap day - send some chocolates or drop a card off telling her you’re thinking of her and appreciate her.
it won’t stop the anxiety but may mean you aren’t at its mercy- you are in control.

peachgreen · 22/07/2022 13:44

Honestly, OP, I lived my whole life like this too and it was hellish. Absolutely horrendous. Then I was put on fluoxetine for post-natal depression and it transformed everything. I still have a tendency to catastrophise but NOTHING like it was and honestly, I can't believe I lived like that for so long and wasted my life away worrying. Please please please seek some professional help now and don't wasted your 20s and early 30s like I did.

Watchkeys · 22/07/2022 15:04

Now you're worrying about worrying.

Can you not have a bit of a laugh at yourself? I mean, how far will it go? Worrying about worrying about worrying about worrying about worrying? Surely at some point it just gets funny.

Laughing at fear is very effective. Any sort of lighthearted view of it will stop the cycle. 'Silly old me, worrying again!'

Also, separating your overactive brain from who you actually are can be helpful. What really matters are your feelings, but worrying is in your mind. 'Gosh, my brain is making me feel anxious again!' can be useful to identify. Your brain is like a tool; it's very useful for some things, but sometimes you can stop using it. But you're always feeling something. Have you tried not thinking anything? It's quite enjoyable. Just do it for 10 seconds. Sit and deliberately wait for a thought to come. It's nice to enjoy the quiet in the moments before one arrives.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 22/07/2022 18:50

Cymbalta worked for me and stopped those ocd thoughts that were irrational. Most of the time though this goes back to childhood and feeling insecure if parents split up etc and carries through into our relationships as we are older. I would talk to your doctor but cymbalta has stopped my anxiety sooo much and really has helped.

Original poster
twelveactions · 22/07/2022 21:12

moiraandthebebe · 22/07/2022 11:39

I used to have severe anxiety which caused these feelings. What worked for me was thinking about each fear logically with a 'What's the worst that can happen? What next?' mentality.

DH is cheating - worst case scenario he's found another woman. So...what next?

You give your brain space to focus on the actual plans more than the worries and you feel like you regain more control. If the worst happens, you know exactly what you're doing next.

99.9% of the time the fear never comes to fruition but your mind is satisfied you have a plan anyway. It's the only way I've learned to 'control' it.

It's funny you say this @moiraandthebebe - I had a moment not long ago of me planning out my next steps and I felt some weird relief should it even occur (which it won't) but then immediately felt guilty as if I was going to make it happen

OP posts:
Original poster
twelveactions · 22/07/2022 21:14

MadMadMadamMim · 22/07/2022 11:46

Think FEAR - Future Events Aren't Real. You are winding yourself up over the possibilities of something that doesn't actually exist and will probably never happen. What a waste of emotional energy. Your brain has invented a situation that doesn't exist and because it's inside your skull and can't tell reality from invention then your whole body is now stressing about something that isn't real. As you say - you are constantly in survival mode.

You have to repeat to yourself Future Events Aren't Real. If whatever horror you are cooking up does ever actually come to pass then you'll deal with it then. If and when it happens. But trying to deal with an imaginary event that is basically all in your head is utterly pointless. There's nothing to resolve - it isn't real. You need to be mindful and just live in the moment.

It's like planning for a Zombie Apocalypse. Great, if one occurs, you've planned it out. But it probably won't - so you've had a lot of anxiety and stress over something that never existed.

I speak as someone who's been there...

@MadMadMadamMim I won't forget FEAR now! That's the thing. I would confuse the way I'm feeling and wonder if it was a "gut feeling" which is utter bollocks as it's never right and I got myself into a vicious circle with intrusive thoughts that I would somehow find a way to make it happen. I didn't know this about your brain acting as if the situation happened because of the anxiety, is this true?! The same feeling?

OP posts:
Original poster
twelveactions · 22/07/2022 21:14

Viviennemary · 22/07/2022 11:47

What about cbt. I havent tried it myself bit its meant to be very effective.

Doing a course on it now!

OP posts:
Original poster
twelveactions · 22/07/2022 21:14

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 22/07/2022 11:58

You already know everything rationally, but your emotional side doesn't. What worked for me was "reparenting". Google it. Sounds bonkers but can be very helpful. So you can heal the inner child and not only understand the emotions of your childhood, but also feel them, process them, and eventually heal.

@whatwouldAnnaDelveydo I've heard of this too! Do you have any examples/actions you find incredibly helpful?

OP posts:
Original poster
twelveactions · 22/07/2022 21:15

@sleepymum50 so glad to hear the guilt thing in your post, because I get this excessively and it honestly rules my life! I will try this - it's so nice to hear someone else had this

OP posts:
Original poster
twelveactions · 22/07/2022 21:15

Sittingonabench · 22/07/2022 12:31

Try To creat new paths in your brain. When you start to catastrophise - consider the more mundane possibilities and put an action on the end to solidify it and take charge.
e.g dp doesn’t respond - his phone has ran out of charge get a charger or battery bank and charge it to give him next time you see him. Friend is a bit cold - maybe she’s having a crap day - send some chocolates or drop a card off telling her you’re thinking of her and appreciate her.
it won’t stop the anxiety but may mean you aren’t at its mercy- you are in control.

I love this @Sittingonabench - thank you so much!

OP posts:
Original poster
twelveactions · 22/07/2022 21:17

peachgreen · 22/07/2022 13:44

Honestly, OP, I lived my whole life like this too and it was hellish. Absolutely horrendous. Then I was put on fluoxetine for post-natal depression and it transformed everything. I still have a tendency to catastrophise but NOTHING like it was and honestly, I can't believe I lived like that for so long and wasted my life away worrying. Please please please seek some professional help now and don't wasted your 20s and early 30s like I did.

Thank you @peachgreen - I tried antidepressants before and it was awful, I tried 3 different types and felt like I was on street drugs! It was awful. The doctor said never come off cold turkey and when they seen the state of me, they told me to get off it ASAP. So I'm quite traumatised from that! I will definitely ask again - I'm in a country now where they don't understand it and refer you from specialist to specialist - I'll try see if there's any alternatives!

OP posts:
Original poster
twelveactions · 22/07/2022 21:17

Watchkeys · 22/07/2022 15:04

Now you're worrying about worrying.

Can you not have a bit of a laugh at yourself? I mean, how far will it go? Worrying about worrying about worrying about worrying about worrying? Surely at some point it just gets funny.

Laughing at fear is very effective. Any sort of lighthearted view of it will stop the cycle. 'Silly old me, worrying again!'

Also, separating your overactive brain from who you actually are can be helpful. What really matters are your feelings, but worrying is in your mind. 'Gosh, my brain is making me feel anxious again!' can be useful to identify. Your brain is like a tool; it's very useful for some things, but sometimes you can stop using it. But you're always feeling something. Have you tried not thinking anything? It's quite enjoyable. Just do it for 10 seconds. Sit and deliberately wait for a thought to come. It's nice to enjoy the quiet in the moments before one arrives.

I read your comments a lot @Watchkeys and find them really insightful - thank you. You're right, I think separating would help. I just find it hard sometimes to separate incase what I'm feeling is a sign to come, but it never is.

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 22/07/2022 21:18

DBT got me out of this way of thinking. It's officially part of CBT I think but in practise CBT is like Ribena to DBT's Rioja. DBT is much stronger and more effective.

blankee · 22/07/2022 21:24

Sertraline. In all seriousness! It took the edge off the anxiety for me, meaning I could start to learn some of those new mental pathways described by PPs. It isn’t a cure but it is one weapon in my armoury against anxiety.

I wish you luck, OP Flowers

Watchkeys · 22/07/2022 21:25

Always assume it's not a sign. Why would you get signs when nobody else does? Brains are silly, they create all sorts of crap, then they try to insist on chasing after it!

Shakeitshakeitbaby · 22/07/2022 21:31

Sertraline and exercise are the only things that have ever helped me. I still have the same thoughts but somehow I am less bothered by them. It is a horrible when you are stuck in a cycle of worrying about things that will likely never happen.

Original poster
twelveactions · 22/07/2022 21:41

Watchkeys · 22/07/2022 21:25

Always assume it's not a sign. Why would you get signs when nobody else does? Brains are silly, they create all sorts of crap, then they try to insist on chasing after it!

@Watchkeys I'm not sure. I grew up in a really superstitious family and I think growing up, I've learned that in some ways even tho I think it's BS. however, confirmation bias for me is awful sometimes if I get something right

OP posts:
Original poster
twelveactions · 23/07/2022 00:07

Shakeitshakeitbaby · 22/07/2022 21:31

Sertraline and exercise are the only things that have ever helped me. I still have the same thoughts but somehow I am less bothered by them. It is a horrible when you are stuck in a cycle of worrying about things that will likely never happen.

What exercise do you do?

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/07/2022 00:12

I take citalopram OP and I don't worry about anything anymore. My life is a whole lot better.

Dic · 23/07/2022 00:14

Propanalol