22.7.22
It been a shit week.
I don't even no why or what i've done.
But hes barley talking to me.
I don't usually say anything or talk to him now, unless its to do with the kids.
Monday, one of the hottest days in history. I had to go into the office for work, i left with instructions on what needs to be done for the kids. Nap times for baby, food made that they can both eat.
Elder son had woken at 4.30am with his little brother due to the heat.
It's fine for baby, as he naps in the day, but elder no longer naps.
I told husband, that it may be wise to try and give him a nap today, but he will refuse it, so it maybe worthwhile taking him for a drive before his English class.
I've come home to ask how the boys day was, he's told me that elder one did sleep in the car today. I asked if he was ok as in a car seat, in a car with no air conditioning he would have been hot. He said he was fine as he was in shorts only. But he added that he had been in his 'thick material' shorts as he couldn't find his thin material shorts in the draw. I asked if he saw all the laundry sitting piled up that needed to be put away and if he looked in the pile, as it was all there.
He said (and i quote) "yes, i saw it, but couldn't be arsed to go through it".
I was horrified. On the hottest day of the year, you couldn't be bothered to look for appropriate clothing for your son.
He then started reeling excuses such as, you wanted me to take him for a nap before his class, so i was rushing to allow him to sleep (to which i answered, 5 mins of looking through laundry wouldn't have been the end of the world to cut into a nap time).
he then used the excuse that he would need the thin shorts for nursey, so that's why he didn't look for them.
I didn't want to listen to these pathetic excuses.
I told him to stop as all i was hearing was that he couldn't be bothered to do something for our child, so he's had to suffer.
My blood was boiling. There is always an excuse, you can't be bothered to do things for your own children. It's just terrible.
Wednesday came, and he arrived at the house to take boys to nursery. (i'm living with my family and he is in our home). Elder and I were on the sofa having a cuddle, and i saw he had driven into the drieway. I told elder he was home and i was going to open the door, to which elder said, 'i don't want him here, i don't like him'. I asked why and explained that he was his father and loves him very much. to which elder brushed it off and carried on watching tv.
I opened the door and had to explain to him what had just been said as he wasn't getting any response from his hello's to elder.
I saw his face drop upon telling him, (i hardly tell him the things elder says as i no it'll upset him, but also, nothing i say is ever right anyway, and somehow it turns into being my fault).
His mood changed too and he just went quiet himself (understandable).
Yesterday, he came home to put the boys to bed, and again, not speaking with me. He was in a mood. Just did what he needed to and that was it. Fine, not a problem, but its so hard to keep track on the mood swings. One min talking to me, calling me to tell me to have a nice day, and the next coming home and not saying anything. its confusing. it plays with my mind and i have to sit back and retrack to ask myself if ive said or done anything to trigger him.
Today, hes come home in the morning. Again elder has woken at 5am due to baby crying. He's in a mood, nothing we do for elder is ok as he's clearly tired. so everything is a chore - brushing teeth, having a shower. Having food. But i plough on as that is what mum's do right.
Husband is in a mood, not speaking, doing the things that need to be done but not helping in anyway (both kids want mummy, and i can't being doing English homework and feeding baby whilst he is climbing on my head....well i can, but the fact that you're here, it would be great if you just took the baby to play with him or keep him distracted rather than playing 8 ball pool on your phone or watching tv.
Anyway, baby is whinging whilst im helping elder with his english work and i ask husband if he has given baby his milk this morning? he says no.
I ask why? he says, you never told me to,
I explain that i did earlier on when he asked me if the milk in the bottle was ok to give him, and i said no, you need to empty the current bottle, give him some fresh milk.
He didnt do it.
In the grand scheme of things, is this a big deal - no.
So i just look at him and say it's fine, it's ok.
Except that's not good enough for him, as he feels i've told him something, that hes not wrong in not giving the milk, so he sits there justifying, clarifying how i didn't ACTUALLY ask him to give the milk. How he was only asking if the milk in the bottle was ok to give. I didn't give a clear instruction (so all my fault that baby hasn't been given milk).
I bite my tongue as i no it'll turn into an argument, and i just say it's fine and keep quiet.
He gets angry, hits his thigh and walks off out the room.
That's the end of that then.
I don't no what to do, or say.
When he returns, he sits on the sofa, clearly angry and has that look on his face that he is replaying it all in his head and the anger is pouring out of him, but he's keeping quiet.
I don't like the atmosphere or tension - remember, we're at my families house, they see it all and it's not nice for them and yet they say noting as they don't want to be seen as interfering.
I go talk to him later when he's on his own. I don't want this atmosphere. I gently ask him, are you ok? You haven't been yourself recently, and i just want to check whats going on?
I choose my words carefully, as though in my mind i know what's wrong, he needs to talk it out. He needs to share it, so i can help him.
But what do i get....what's your problem? I've come here and done all the things i need to haven't i?
I say, thats not the question, i'm asking if you're ok?
He says, whats your problem, what have i done?
i say nothing, im asking if you're ok and to stop picking a fight with me.
I can feel we're now both getting angry
He starts raising his voice to me how hes done nothing wrong and hes done all that he needs to do for the kids so what is my problem and why am i picking a fight with him?
I'm done, im so angry at this point, with him but more so myself - why do i even bother.
I look at him and tell him i was only asking if he was ok, but im so angry i tell him to fuck off.
Yep, i swear at him, something i've never done.
I walk away, i give the kids a kiss goodbye and i go upstairs to work. But i'm not working, i'm sitting here thinking how it's another day, another week in hell.