Got back with dp but I'm not happy

[Laura346]

After a very bumpy relationship and yet another giant argument I left my soon to be husband with dc. I don't get in with dps family either as they are overbearing and constantly side with dp seeing me as the issue to his wrong doings. I am a young sahm ftm mum (24) so moved back to dparents whilst I tried to get my feet back on the ground.

The first week or two was hell. It was so hard having to deal (or conceal) my emotions infront of dc who is just over a year whilst having to take everything on my own. But I did it. I started to get my crap together and finally felt my freedom and independence that the setup with me dp and his family had sapped from me. I felt proud that I was getting myself onto jobseekers and looking for a career. I looked forward to the financial independence and the chance to finally save some money of my own.

Most importantly I looked forward to gaining me back again. I used to do my hair put on makeup go out around the town meet people. I used to attract alot of attention and have alot of guys in my life. It made me feel desirable. Now I can barely afford clothes let alone makeup (on the one dps salary) we can't afford childcare hence why I had to stay at home. Dc was not planned and hit us both when we was unemployed and unsure of what we wanted to do with ourselves in life.

Dp eventually crawled back onto the scene as he was still seeing dc and me. We have been staying back in our flat all together the past week now and it's killing me. I feel trapped and dragged down by it all. Sometimes I wonder how I managed to end up back here. All that self progress I was making has gone down the drain. It felt all for nothing. Dp wants us to stay living here with him again and continue our marriage. But I don't know if I want that? I'm scared to admit it because I see how happy dc is with daddy around and all of his favourite people together again and he is flourishing being back home. I felt so bad dragging him out of his comfort zone. But what about me? This was one of the issues I had with this all. Was that I felt like I was never a priority in my own life and was giving and giving.

I'm still so young and it's hard enough seeing the comparison of everyone my age going on dates/holidays/festivals. I was looking forward to dating again and meeting new people. To getting out there and reclaim what I lost. I wanted to find myself again.

I don't know if it's dp or the lifestyle or just being a parent that is making me feel like this. I just feel so bored and stuck in a rut. I don't want to come back to all of this but I know if I decide to work it out with dp that this is what life entails. Even our engagement doesn't feel authentic since we had constant troubles straight after and then the eventual "split". Surely there is got to be more to life than this. I do want to be with dp but I'm worried all our problems will arise again. I want him but I don't want all of this and I don't know if we could ever be the couple I want us to be.

I just feel very lost and down with it all.

Any advice or perspective would be very much so appreciated

Thank you!

Don't marry him. Go back to your parents and find you again. Find a job.

I want to but I really am scared to take that leap. When I was away things got pretty ugly between me dp and his dparents. They threatened court and wanted dc alot even though I am primary career and dp works ft. I'm worried if I go back all that will kick start.

Also I don't mind being with dp but I think we should call off our engagement considering how things played out. It just doesn't feel what being engaged should feel like. We never had time to celebrate or be happy about it.

I've told dp that I will not be staying here again but it annoys me that him and his family have been trying to act like the split hasn't happened and I feel like they are trying to reel me back into this drudgery again.

Also there is the aspect of dc and how happy he is to be at home around his home comforts.

Ugh its just all such a mess!

Move out.
The longer you stay, the more trapped you will feel. And the more trapped you feel, the more likely you are to do something that you will regret like have an affair or lose your shit with your h.

I have read many stories on here about how people felt when their parents stayed together for the kids and they all say that it's a terrible burden to carry and they wish that their parents had split up as it's awful living in a house like that.

You can both be good parents apart. Children can be happy and thrive with divorced parents.

I just think we settled quite young and where as dp is happy to have lost himself into this family lifestyle I'm not because I feel like alot of it was in his terms e.g. He carried on work, we live at his place with his family, he didn't really have to sacrifice alot and of anything being a family unit has improved his life. My dc has definitely enriched mine too but this lifestyle isn't. I've had to give up alot and I really do miss those days where I had things going on, people in my life, crushes, drama that wasn't about a failing relationship or my parents family.

I would be quite happy to have an affair (not that I would) or see other people whilst me and dp kept it "casual". I constantly wonder if there is someone better or more compatible for me. Just because I had dc doesn't mean that should be me tied down to one man forever surely. I didn't sign up for that I simply had dc because I didnt want an abortion. It wasn't because I wanted to be with dp necessarily. Infact my choice to bring dc into the world had nothing to do with him!

I just feel so confused

Go back to your parents, and work towards setting yourself up independently. You've done it once, you can do it again. Your relationship with him isn't going to get any better, whether you go ahead with the marriage or attempt to stay "casual" and see other people, which just sounds like a whole heap of drama in the pipeline.

Grandparents have no legal right to access to a grandchild, so do some research around that and arm yourself with some facts so you can deal with that situation.

Parenting can be relentless, boring, and the sacrifice is huge. You don't get to go back and get your old self back, ever. But you can move forward and make sure that you don't let people crawl back into your life, you place them there on purpose instead. It's nice to go out into town and feel attractive, and date, I would put this second on the list to creating a stable home for your child and working out what exactly it is that you want in a relationship, because every one you have from now on will affect DC. You're not just choosing someone to party with, you're allowing someone hugely influential into your DC life.

Just because I had dc doesn't mean that should be me tied down to one man forever surely. I didn't sign up for that I simply had dc because I didnt want an abortion. It wasn't because I wanted to be with dp necessarily. Infact my choice to bring dc into the world had nothing to do with him!

If this is the case then it's a no brainer. Your 12 month old DC won't have any concept at the moment of his living situation, but he will be affected for the rest of his life by being brought up in a home with parents who don't even want to be there.

I get where ur coming from. I met my DH at school and we married very young and started a family after a few years. About 5 years into married life I felt a bit like you. My DH is amazing and we talked about it and surprising he said he also at times felt a bit hemmed in. We worked through it. We fave each other a bit of space in our lives and we came through it. Have you tried having the talk. Life does get boring and you feel in a rut. If he is a good man and you love him don’t be too quick to give up without a fight. Good luck.

You need to do this now while the children are still young. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.

It's sounds like you've answered your own question.

@Highfivemum the difference there is i think if I have the talk with him he will take instant defence to it. Dp is a very pessimistic defeated guy so he would interpret it as "I don't want to be with you" rather than what I'm actually saying. Particularly since we have only just split he will be very sensitive towards it all.

I wish I could talk to him about it but I don't think we are on the same page. When I did ask what we was doing he happily announced what do you mean we are engaged! Which made me realise I am alone feeling like this.

I don't know whether this is just about being "bored" though if it extends further that that. I don't know if it's a reflection of us as a couple or just life as a whole. I know being a parent comes with loss of identity and I've accepted that for the most part. But I really do miss dating and feeling like myself again.

You don't have to stick with this man because you had a baby by him and you definitely shouldn't marry him. Your relationship with him doesn't work and it never will.

But. Your life is not going to be a lot about makeup and flirting and crushes and a new man any time soon. You are not going to get the carefree partying early twenties experience. You are also going to be intimately tied to this man for the next 15-20 years and even after. That is the choice you made when you decided to go through with this pregnancy.

Your priority has to be establishing your life stably for you and DC. That means worrying less about makeup and more about financial stability and about how big a deal it is to bring a new partner into your DC's life. And also about how big a deal it is to turf the relationship with your ex and his parents unnecessarily. You don't like his parents, and maybe they deserve it, but that doesn't stop them being your DC's grandparents. You have to think about not just how you feel but about what's best for your DC, and what's best for your DC is for the relationship between you and their dad's family to be as little fucked up as possible.

@Laura346 "I want to but I really am scared to take that leap"

IMO - life is one continual series of uncertain situations - I doubt many peoples lives - when they look back on them - went in the direction they thought they might - life is haphazard, nothing is certain, you can't see into the future, there's a lot you can't control - you can't keep thinking there is one perfectly right decision or an easy, safe way forward in life - there rarely is - you make the best decision you can without paralysing yourself with analysis - what matters more is what you do after you make a decision to try and make the decision work out. I think with every decision you make you will be aware of something that may go wrong or not work out - I've always found the best way forward is a combination of analytical thinking and intuition - so give your gut instinct a voice. The great thing about making decisions is that once you start going down one route you might quickly confirm that it was the right way to go - equally - you might quickly realise it's not - in which case you re-think - change your mind - go back on a decision - it's possible - there's no shame in admitting you didn't make the best decision - however - the other side of that is that sometimes you don't try hard enough or give something a chance e.g. I've started jobs that I thought I wanted to quit almost as soon as I'd started but once I'd stuck out the difficult first month or so I realised the job wasn't as bad as I first thought and I was glad I gave it a chance. Do you think you've reached that point where you think you've given this relationship a fair chance 2nd time around - it sounds like you have but only you will know - you always have this option to fall back on - to decide it isn't working and isn't going to work - in which case to go back to your parents are try that way forward. Him not backing you, not supporting you so that you get what you want out of life and the relationship and not keeping his family out of your relationship sounds like it's never going to work.

Will talk to dp tonight... Doubt its going to received well. Especially since I don't think he feels the same. At the very least I don't think we should continue towards marriage under these circumstances. It feels anything but romantic.

OP - @AquaticSewingMachine‘s advice is very sound.

You’re right - you did settle down rather young but it’s the choice you made when you kept your baby. I admire you for that - it took maturity and guts. But you did choose that situation - your DC didn’t - and you’re a mum now and your DC’s needs have to be a priority. That includes trying to build as amicable a co-parenting arrangement as possible. FWIW, some of the most sorted people I know grew up with amicably co-parenting separated parents.

This should all get easier as your DC gets older and a bit more independent.

Sorry, OP - missed your update. Good luck for your talk this evening.

If your dp can't listen to you without becoming defensive that is a major problem, and one that is unlikely to be easily changed. You are doing it all on his terms. He is happily expecting you to make the sacrifices and then when you aren't doing what he expects he and his family threaten you, as if they feel entitled to your compliance - that is not healthy behaviour. The attitudes underlying domestic abuse are feeling entitled to you meeting their expectations with little regard for your thoughts and feelings, and becoming angry and vindictive when you don't meet his expectations of you. You've already had waning signs of this. You will have dodged a bullet if you return to your parent's house with your dc and start to plan the life you want for both of you. What you've experienced with your parner isn't anything you've done, it's unfortunately very common for marriages to be like this so this is your chance to learn what you can to avoid this situation in future. Read some MN threads on domestic abuse. Patricia Evans wrote an excellent book that explains the mechanics of verbal abuse. It doesn't need to be the most obvious kind of domestic abuse to make your life miserable. You deserve a partner who treats you as an equal worthy of feelings, opinions and dreams. In some ways you are lucky to have seen the warning signs early on so you can cut your losses and you and your dc don't end up trapped in an unhappy home for the next 5, 10, 20+ years. Just read some of the threads on MN from women who are trying to leave their marriages. Get on a career tracks so you can always maintain some independence in life and provide for your dc, regardless of your relationship status.