Sad about relationship :/

[Sallycorriander]

Dh and I been together 6 years, married 1. I have two primary age dc from previous relationship and we have a baby together.

Together we keep the house and childcare and daily life stuff ticking over, he is a good man and pulls his weight. But any excitement, passion and fun seems to have slowly faded out of the relationship.

He's quite happy to be home all the time doing not very much, when I suggest doing things I'm met with a lack lustre response that puts me off. When I call him out on this he'll say 'well I said yes what more do you want.' I want some enthusiasm or maybe for you to suggest something for once!

Sex is a struggle as he takes viagra so things need to be scheduled, there's no spontaneity. And I feel like I tend to suggest that too. We are currently dtd about once a fortnight which is fine for me, but again it would be nice if he suggested or initiated it.

We can't go out gallivanting as much as we used to now we have the baby as we have very few people to babysit but I would just like a bit of effort and fun injected back into our relationship. I'm probably guilty of not making effort too sometimes but when I try and express how I feel to him I get an eye roll and a 'not this again' kind of attitude that just makes me wonder why I bother.

I love dh dearly. We have the same values and have built a good life together. But I feel like we are housemates sometimes and just want to spice things up again. Any tips?

You need to both want to sort this, it sounds like he doesn’t.

He is happy just plodding. He does care, I know he does. Whenever either of us have been away for work or other things he is always in contact often and I know he misses me and dc. But the day to day stuff just feels so mundane.

when I try and express how I feel to him I get an eye roll and a 'not this again' kind of attitude that just makes me wonder why I bother

What makes you think he actually cares how you feel? This is instant dismissal of your feelings. Staying in touch when you're apart is easy. Minimal effort. But he's not actually making enough effort to give a shit about you when you're there in front of him, feeling crap.

All he has to say is 'What do you need?' or 'What would make you feel better?'

Have you told him that his eye rolling makes you wonder why you bother? Contempt is one of the 4 horsemen.

www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

I feel like he thinks I'm nagging and creating issues where there are none. He doesn't see a problem with the way we are so why do I keep bringing it up?

You keep bringing it up because you aren’t happy, but he is.
The eye rolling is him slapping you back down into your place. Talk it out, don’t put up with it. If he refuses to discuss it then you know your answer.
How old are you both ? You sound too young to be scheduling sex with Viagra.

Exactly. Where does how you feel come into this? Where does him caring about you feeling ok come into this?

He's alright, Jack! So there shouldn't be a problem, right? Anybody with feelings different from his will just have those feelings dismissed as nonsense.

He's really not being very nice to you.

I'm 38 and he's 49 so there is an age gap. I don't know how much of this is just standard daily family life taking its toll and how much is him simply not caring enough about my feelings to make a bit of effort.

Either way, the result is him not caring about your feelings. Whatever you put it down to, that isn't acceptable. He dismisses you with an eyeroll. That would make anyone feel crap, and 'standard daily family life taking its toll' isn't an excuse for being so disrespectful to you. After all, if it's taking its toll on him, wouldn't it make sense to think it'd be taking its toll on you too? Leading to the need for your feelings to be respected more, not less? Why are you taking the toll of him taking the toll? Why does he deem that to be ok?

Because he doesn't care how you feel.

Why did your first marriage break up? Asking to find out if you also lost feelings and what you see as the spark there too.
Married life isn’t constant entertainment provided by your DH, I think he’s probably right that feeling the need to always make things exciting really isn’t conducive to a good married life.

I really think unless you can find ways to entertain yourself with hobbies or friends or whatever, your probably going to lose this relationship too. And then the pattern will repeat over and over.

Ask yourself, do you want to be in a non thrilling marriage or do you want children by two different fathers in tow while taking a third shot at Mr.ForeverThrills?

@Kara8787 my first marriage was nothing like that. He was abusive and financially controlling. Way too much drama in that relationship, complete opposite to this one. I'm certainly not wanting to end this marriage! I'm trying to ask for advice on how to make things fun again. But as pp have said, there's not a lot I can do if he doesn't want to change things.

It's not about 'thrills' it's about making time for each other and making the most of life together. He is now sulking because I tried to speak about it with him.

It sounds salvageable. When the kids are in bed cook a nice romantic meal, have a bath together, get the message oil out! Maybe
try and plan a night out/afternoon out and find a babysitter? There are ways to make things fun again x