So Lonely , advice please

[Abf21]

I need some advice. I’m 34 my husband is 15 years older. We have an 10 year old girl.
when we met I said I would like 2 children , I laid this out from the start in case he was set against kids.

in 2015 I had a miscarriage he was relieved I was gutted. He was going through bad time with his PTSD (although In denial
at the time) he said we can try again a year later, then a year later, but this emcee happened. It was “never the right time etc” now he has turned round and said no to anymore. He’s stopped seeking help for his PTSD too. He said it’s not fair to make him have another. I don’t want to force someone. I have a good career and settled down quickly (not my initial plan) but I feel I’ve stuck by him though everything. He’s had a big career change though injury and is bitter about this. He says I’m full of myself because I have a good career etc , but im Honestly not. He won’t even have sex now. It’s been 6 months and I’m at my wits end. He said “why would he want to have sex with anyone who nags him so much” I don’t nag. He thinks asking for help with a things is nagging. He turns 50 this year and goes on like it’s the end of the world . My friends are having kids and It’s made me realise how much I really do want another. Not only that but I just want family life, but I’m not getting any of that from him.
I feel selfish for sounding like it’s what I want. But I’ve sacrificed things over the years to support him etc, but it’s like my whole life is on his terms now. He turns it around and says it’s all about me
and now I’m doubting myself all the time , what I say what I think, who I am.

Please be gentle as I don’t post and im
on need of some advice. I feel so lost lonely , down. Just feel like I don’t know what to do.

Do you want to be with him?

Not asking so you want a family life, so you want a baby, do you want a relationship.

I'm asking do you want him specifically.

It sounds like this relationship has run it's course. You're at different stages in life due to your age gap.
I'm not defending him but I can understand how at nearly 50 he doesn't want to start again with a baby. He did try to have 2 children but it was unfortunate you had a miscarriage.

It doesn't seem he can give you what you need. You're not being selfish for wanting a family life, a sex life and another child at all. At 36 it's not too late for you either.

Oops You're 34 not 36, definitely not too late

You need to get your head straight because your husband has led you on and is now making you doubt yourself. As an outsider looking in, I don't think it's at all selfish or wrong to want another child but unfortunately it's clear he doesn't. And he is controlling you with his undermining and dismissive tone.

The issue here is do you accept your marriage his way or do you consider moving on. You are a young woman, you have options. You don't have to accept your life with this person because he dictates.

Perhaps some counselling on your own to decide what you want without the undermining noise you're being subjected to. Being made to feel guilty for expressing your wants and needs is not kind nor supportive behaviour. Counselling will help to validate your feelings and give you courage. You sound ground down and trapped. 💐

This sounds terrible. I'm so sorry. The posters above was right in saying you can't just live unhappily for ever and maybe some counselling would help you figure out what is best for you

Maybe tell him how you feel and ask him to tell you what he wants. Can he see any compromise. If he is adamant he doesn't want another child, then it is time to move on. Don't let time pass you by.

Thank you. I appreciate your replies. I feel like I’ve maybe had my head buried in the sand.@D0lphine I would love to have the relationship we once had and maybe I still cling onto this hope. I fully get that he doesn’t want to start again at 50. But this doesn’t help the fact I have always had a desire for another child but I feel like he’s lead me up the garden path. I’m angry with myself for going along with it. He always brings up excuses, we can’t afford it etc.I’m reassured I’m not being selfish. I feel sorry for his lack of confidence which he says is my fault as I’ve ground him down and I’m critical of him ( I don’t think I am, I’m always offering encouragement etc) he started therapy but obviously he can’t be bothered with it anymore and prefers to blame me.

i used to be a confident person, he says I blame him for my lack of confidence.

Sorry if I sound like I’m moaning.

@LeavesOnTrees this is my fear but I need to wake up to it now .

He needs to leave.
Its not a proper relationship and you want different things.

I wanted another child, DH said no, so no it was.
Don’t make my mistake and live the life someone else wants. Have the life you want.

Sorry but he didn't want a second child and in reality he is probably too old for it too, particularly given his mindset.

Making him have another child is unfair on the kid, on him and probably your daughter too.

Yes things haven't planned out and maybe he has led you along but from what you said I feel the indicators may have been there for a while.

This is always the challenge with a biggish age difference I'm afraid.

He no doubt resents the child talk and it seems that's all you want in life which may grate both of you as neither are getting what they want in life. From what you said I think you need to forget it a while, let him get his life back on track without have this hanging over him and then see what happens.

Of course the risk is he doeanr change his mind and he will be older still..50+ isn't the age to be having any kids IMO.

Time to decide I fear...

I'll put aside the question of a second child as that's a terribly complicated and difficult issue.

He says you're "full of yourself" because of your job.

He is no longer engaging in therapy for his PTSD.

He won't have sex with you and blames this on your behaviour.

He accuses you of nagging him when you ask for reasonable amount of help.

You're doubting yourself constantly.

You feel lonely and the two of you evidently can't communicate effectively.

This does not sound like a healthy, functional relationship, much less one in which you can flourish. He has a perfect right to decide he wants no more children. But acting like an arsehole and refusing to engage with needed treatment is not acceptable.

Can you access free counseling through your work? Or afford individual counseling with Relate? I would go for individual counseling rather than couples counseling in this situation.

Could you call up Women's Aid?

Best wishes OP.

@MaxTalk sorry if I wasn’t clear. He said he wanted another one previously. But just kept saying next year maybe, next year, and it’s been 7 years. I agree with you, I don’t want to make him have another at all. But I wish he had just said this 7 years ago and I may have just come to terms with it. My daughter has always wanted a sibling, but obviously she doesn’t get to make the decisions! I’ve tried to help him get his life back since 2013. Children aside as another poster has quite rightly said it’s a complex issue, I feel I’ve given it my best shot with supporting etc.

@CousinKrispy thank you . Om
gling to look into this today. @KangarooKenny Sorry to
hear that. Hope
you are happy now
though

I think you have 2 options- stay with him and forget the second child. Work on your relationship. Or end it with him and find a new relationship where kids are a possibility.

If you want to leave and try for another child you probs need to think about leaving pretty sharpish. I'm thinking leave and get settled (35) find someone else (36) ttc with new person (37) have baby (38).

Or you can skip the find someone else stage and have a child alone. Is this an option?

You sound very unhappy. Maybe you would be better apart? It doesn't sound like he is making you happy or brings much to your life.