My best friend's just gone back to her abusive marriage for the 4th time.

[LemonSunchine]

It's doing my head in. I thought she was making progress. It's really hard to see this happening when I've heard the violent, coercive & subtle details. What compounds things is she's a counsellor with Relate. I've told her about Women's Aid and getting her ducks in a row (no chance of that because he privately holds all financial details). I gave her my copy of Lundy Bancroft. What can we do to help women in this position? Or do I have to watch her hit absolute rock bottom?

You've said yourself he holds all of the financial details. Can she afford life without him?

Even counsellors with relate, social workers, support workers etc - folk you think should know better - get drawn into abusive relationships. The dynamics of abuse act to keep someone in that place and to draw them back again and again. And often the shame of knowing they should know better means it’s harder to seek the support to get out, because everyone knows they should know better, and the people who offer that support are people they know professionally.

Its complex for lots of reasons. I’d be there for her as much as you have capacity for, set your own boundaries around how far you can support her and let her find her way. It can take many attempts to leave an abusive relationship before it “sticks”, so try to reserve judgement of her, but don’t give more than you can cope with either.

I did this. Was in a similar situation with a friend who kept going back to her abusive ex (mentally and emotionally abusive, not physically). I was her sounding board, counsellor, shoulder to cry on... until one day I decided enough was enough, I was sick of having the same conversation over and over again. I told her to put up or shut up as you get treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. Our 10 year friendship fizzled out fairly quickly after that... c'est la vie!

It's awful watching someone do this. You've done everything you can and you're a good friend but unfortunately you can't make her decisions for her. It gets exhausting and you probably do need to back off a bit for your own sanity.

I am in the process of leaving an abusive marriage and trust me....it's hard!

If you haven't experienced an utterly toxic relationship like this then you really have no idea how hard it is to walk away. On the outside it looks easy, the obvious thing to do. Simple.

If you're living it, it's soul destroying. Your friend will 100% know she shouldn't be going back to him but she's clearly got a huge trauma bond there and also financial worries. Leaving an abusive person is f**king scary.

It takes on average 7 times for a woman to leave an abusive man. The stats there show how bloody difficult it is.

Be honest with her. Tell her that you’re disappointed that she’s gone back and you will try to support her but you have to set some boundaries for your own sanity. She knows what to do and only she can do what she has to do.

It's really hard. I was in your position and each time she returned to him, she inevitably told him all the things I had said about him during their split. He then loathed me, of course, and it broke my friend and I apart. Which was what he wanted all along, I suppose.
She's not with him any more but we no longer have a friendship.

What compounds things is she's a counsellor with Relate.

Physician heal thyself.

Keep the door open, disengage. My friend turned up for the last time and left him. You never know.

Same here. Most different thing I have ever had to do. My friend are telling me they don't understand why I didn't leave years ago, which isn't helpful .

Poor woman.

I think it's easy when you're the one looking in, judging the situation. But, I can totally see your frustration.

There's a multitude of reasons why she might have gone back.

She might be scared, he may have threatened her.

He might be love bombing her, promising he's changed.

She might feel like she can change him.

She might not feel strong enough on her own, after years of being worn down.

She might feel like she has no other choice.

She is probably making excuses for his behaviour and more than likely blaming herself.

She's not the bad one for going back to him.

In most dv relationships, the woman will attempt to leave approx. 7 times before eventually leaving.

Women are at a higher risk of being murdered after leaving an abusive relationship.

At this point. Most of her friends and family will be turning their backs on her, playing into the abusers hands.

He will end up being the only one she has.

She is probably half way through the process. She's struggling, she knows she should leave but there are a number of things that draw her back.

If you are her friend, don't turn your back. Let her know you and your spare room are there for her when she finds the strength.

I know it's hard. I spent 27 years watching my dm try to leave my df.

On average it takes an abused women 7 times to successfully leave.

It took my auntie nearly 30years to leave her abusive partner left so many time over the years and then left for good 7years ago and getting her life back on track.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/women-leave/

She’s a victim. But you don’t have to listen anymore if you don’t want to.

Good luck @loopyloulous — I did leave my abusive marriage earlier this year and know how hard it is.

It is exhausting supporting a friend who keeps, for whatever reason, ignoring good advice. I supported a dear friend like this for 10 years and found it soul destroying. I had to bite my tongue every time my friend launched into the same conversation... Knowing that she repeated the same mistakes over and over and my hours of listening and advice had no effect on her (only effect was on me... upset about the situation, despite working full time - spending hours every week counselling her... time that I could have spent with my family). Now my children have left home and I've lost that time forever. A few years ago she got cross when I encouraged her to please take the advice... She said she didn't need advice she wanted someone to listen. I appreciated that to a certain extent, but it hurts the listener too when someone talks about the same unhappiness all the time and refuses to take simple steps (no partner involved) to improve the situation. She stopped ringing and didn't answer my messages. I really felt that the sacrifices of time and family life I was making for her could make a difference - unfortunately in this case my efforts didn't help enough.

Relate need to be vetting their counsellors better.

My Aunt used to work for Relate and for her it was probably related to her religion. She believed couples should stay together at all costs. Maybe not all counsellors there know when a couple should draw the line, or they think people should keep trying long after the rest of us would.

Having said that, anyone can find themselves in an abusive relationship.

Hopefully she's more than half way towards leaving.

Save yourself. It's downright embarrassing when they go back over and over again after telling you intimate details that now you can't unknow. And you have to pretend you never said all that stuff about him etc.

Make it clear you'll always support her if she chooses to leave him, but that it's not something you want to hear intimate details about in the meantime.

I have a friend like this. I've learned to never slag of her DH as she will inevitably go back to him and I'll be the baddie for the stuff I've said. Now I just smile and nod and let her do all the talking when she's back in my spare room.

I had a friend like this. She took nearly 6 years of my knowing her to leave. Same conversations over and over, but nothing ever changed. In the end, I listened to her but never offered anything back. It was like a form of self preservation.

The worst part was that she got herself back on her feet, and then found another man who was just slightly less controlling than the original ........ at which point, I walked away.

She's got to do it for herself.

Let her know you're there when she needs you and that your home will always be open to her. But otherwise try to direct your friendship towards other topics. She will change the situation when she wants/can. She won't do it based on what you say.