My ex abusive partner (share a child) wants to meet my boyfriend, I don’t want this.

[Fightingback17]

Daughter has started contact with her dad, long story, many years at court, almost 3 years no contact in this time due to abuse.

At his contact session today he said to the supervisor he’d like to meet my boyfriend of 2 years. We are expecting a child in a couple of months. I said to the the support I will support daughter as much as I can but myself and my boyfriend/baby will not be having direct contact. He abused me emotionally very bad and I simply don’t want this toxic man any further back into my family.

Daughter 6 has asked me why I hate her daddy when her daddy said he loves me and everyone. It’s hard for me to answer and I end up saying I love you and that’s all that matters, sometimes things between adults are complicated. He is making me out to be the bad one in this but I stand strong in what I think is right.

Am I wrong to not want my boyfriend and ex to meet? His motive will not be sincere, he is busy creating a new life where he is this amazing person and that’s fine but I know the real man. He wants to try and convince my boyfriend he is decent when I know he is not. This is a boundary I don’t want crossed for my own sanity.

No, you are perfectly within your rights to not meet a person who abused you. I’m just sorry he’s still able to cause you trouble in this way.

Do you have any contact with ex outside of contact? It sounds like you have no contact. Why would he need to meet your partner then?

Have you met his new partner?

He needs to realise this is not something he has a choice over. How does your boyfriend feel about this!

There's no reason at all for him to meet your new partner. You've correctly worked out that his motives aren't sincere, so don't doubt yourself. You have a new life now, don't let him wheedle his way back in.

Oh, and don't get into debates with your DD. When she asks why you hate Daddy, just tell her you don't hate anyone, and then don't discuss it any more.

@Exiledonewe have no contact. The only time I’ve seen him in 3 years was on the court Zoom calls.

I have not met his new partner and do not wish to either. He has more then likely chosen a nice vulnerable lady like I was anyway so not too worried about her.

No, make it very clear you won’t be meeting him and neither will your partner.

The only issue you have to give thought to is how to talk to your daughter about the poison he’ll spout.

Keep your boundary iron clad.

You are under no obligation whatsoever to agree to his request. Just ignore.

No!

Your boyfriend is a third party and has no relationship with your ex.

Ignore all requests. If your ex pushes it say your boyfriend does not want to meet him and there is nothing he can do.

You need to learn to stand up for yourself and make it clear your 'No" means "No"

I knew I had to abide by the court orders regarding our daughter but I’m hoping they can’t make me agree to anything like this. In an ideal world one big happy family would be amazing. I can’t believe they would even request that a victim of abuse (he was found guilty) have to meet with their abuser and then bring her new family along also.

Its seems that not only do they not really care about our children but less so about the abused partners, it’s disgusting really.

"Daughter 6 has asked me why I hate her daddy when her daddy said he loves me and everyone"

I hope the Family Support worker is in earshot when those things are said because that is very manipulative of him.

You are absolutely right in your stance on meeting your new boyfriend.

OP it depends.

Generally if either of you have made allegations of abuse in proceedings, especially if it includes actually or potential harm to third parties, then neither of you will be expected to introduce partners to each other.

Oh and if he says he wants to meet your new baby/child, get a solicitor to write to warm him off. Then if he does attempt to meet them or actually does take act.

Yes I was going to ask this too! I'd definitely ask the supervisor about these remarks.

@RedWingBoots he was found to be guilty of causing me great emotional harm and ordered on the DAPP course. He would not dare cause me harm physically now as he knows he would be in trouble. He is just an extremely toxic person and I need him at arms length for my emotional health.

OP he doesn't need to harm your baby he just needs to say he wants to meet them. That's when he needs a letter to warn him off.

Then if he stupidly attempts to or actually follows through that's when the shit should hit the fan.

@bloodywhitecat no not in earshot, contact has taken place outside in a local parkland. Wouldn’t matter anyway as he is on his best behaviour. He has impressed the support worker and she said will be moving now onto unsupervised and could I do the drop offs. She was surprised when I said I will get a third party as I don’t want any direct contact. He beat his ex girlfriends and emotionally abused me and many women he’s worked with. She seemed shocked that this amazing man was like this. He is doing Oscar winning performances which I why I don’t want him seeping into my life and fooling my loved ones.

I would be reporting her for overstepping her boundaries.
Supervised visits are there for a reason and she should not be passing on messages, other than we lost dc toy or they didn't eat much.
Very strange behaviour from them.