Would you cut off?

[Truuuueeeedat]

I have been very good friends with my ex for a number of years, we just click really well and are both neurodivergent, so get each other in ways that not many others do. For background, I have children with him and he cheated on me and left when they were very young (over 10 years ago). He left me for another woman and went on to have a child with her. I have long got over it and have no no attraction to him anymore, neither have I for many years.

Despite feeling he is a very good friend, I’ve never overly trusted him and know that he often lies. His relationship with the woman he left me for has recently become troubled. I don’t get too involved, as it’s none of my business really, but knew he wasn’t happy. He has recently told me that he has a new girlfriend, I’ve done a little digging and can see that he’s actually been with her for 8 months, so there’s a significant (7 month) overlap between this girlfriend and the one he left me for. He’s not been honest with me and rewritten his relationship history to pretend him and his ex ended a few months ago. I’m really disappointed in him, but feel like I can’t really raise it as it’s not my business. I’m just gutted that he’s done the same again, as this is literally a carbon copy of the situation of how he left me. I thought he’d matured in the last 10 years and was now a better person, but he clearly isn’t. He still hasn’t even told his ex-partner he has a new girlfriend, or our children. He’s essentially been living a double life for months.

Do people distance themselves from friends when they just can’t align themselves any longer with their friend’s behaviour? I know trust is essential in relationships but is it a significant factor in friendships too, particularly if it doesn’t really affect you? I can’t believe he’s just ruined another child’s childhood and he clearly feels no guilt about that. I’m struggling to speak to him at the moment as I’m staggered that he’s learnt nothing and he’s still a very selfish individual.

I think you're both far too involved, step back and just have contact about the kids. You can't be that surprised that he's cheated again surely? You do sound a bit too bothered about it though

The time to learn this lesson was 10yrs ago...

If it was another mate would you care so much? Probably not. Your over investing.
He won’t change, I’m not sure why you thought he would.

It sounds like you were too involved. I would keep a “friend” like that at a distance.

We become who we spend the most time with.

It’s possible to have insight into a person by looking at the company they keep.

I do worry about why I’m so bothered. To be honest, I don’t have a lot of friends, so when I say we’re mates, there’s not many other people I speak to. Feel a bit silly that I’ve been taken in, thinking he would be different when it’s obvious he wouldn’t. You’re all right, I need to distance myself as an ex probably isn’t someone to be a friend with

Do people distance themselves from friends when they just can’t align themselves any longer with their friend’s behaviour

Yes. It's how to create a healthy social circle. Only people who allow their boundaries to be crossed keep people in their lives who cross their boundaries.

Thanks for your advice. I suppose as my social network is limited, and I don’t speak to many people, I cling onto those that I do. If this were just a female friend, would others cut them out for this sort of behaviour?

If this were just a female friend, would others cut them out for this sort of behaviour

Yes. Don't keep people you don't trust in your life. It's really that simple. If that leaves you without enough friends, go get some more.

It's a bit like saying 'If you had nothing else in the fridge, would you eat the lard?' No! You'd go and get more food. Very few people are going to suggest that it's a good idea to keep a friend you don't trust.