Cheating

[Deepinthought22]

Hi, don’t really know where to begin to be honest.

i was with my partner 5.5 years, I have found out that he has got his ex partner pregnant behind my back and not only that, he has slept with her a handful of times since our relationship started. I had a gut feeling on several occasions that he was up to something, but he would always convince me otherwise. I knew deep down he was lying but without any proof.. it was hard to end our relationship based on a “gut feeling”

I’m so confused, hurt and angry. Not only is he having a baby with her, the baby is due a few days after my birthday and my anxiety is through the roof. Usually I’m quite hot headed when it comes to arguments but I haven’t became angry once, I haven’t raised my voice and I think it’s partly because I just feel defeated. The worst thing that could happen.. has happened.

He had absolutely no reason to go behind my back, we have sex most days and our relationship is good. Never did I expect him to cheat, especially with his ex who he claimed was “boring” and “vanilla in the bedroom” in comparison to our sex.

Not long into dating each other before we were properly official, he had slept with someone else who he worked with, behind my back however I decided to forgive him because we weren’t official. What a rookie mistake!!

I have dated other guys in the past but this boy was my first proper relationship, he’s all I’ve ever known and I’m struggling to get over this. It’s constantly on my mind, day and night. I can’t eat or sleep.. it’s ruined me and I just do not know what to do. I don’t want to talk to my family about it because I’m not that open and my friends quite literally want to strangle him (as do I) but I’m wondering if anyone has been in a similar position? How did you deal with this this? The relationship ending isn’t the issue, I’m sad of course but it’s the ex being pregnant that I’m struggling to come to terms with.

They have also decided to get together and “try and make it work” even though the reason they ended was because ironically, he cheated on her because she would never have sex with him because she had very little sex drive.

He told me she was pregnant around a month after his ex informed him. He said he “needed time to take it in” before telling me. However by that point they had already gone for the 12 week scan. I have asked how he feels about having a baby and whilst he has said that he’s not happy with who he’s having a child with and the situation, now he knows the baby is coming, he is looking forward to it and would feel terrible to not want the baby now.

We have spoken in the past about children, we agreed in our 30’s after one or two more holidays (we are 29) that we would think about having one. We both agreed we did not want a child yet as we are currently renovating our house ready to rent it out and had other plans in general before starting a family.

im at a loss, and actually feel sorry for the child because I know they will not last at all. His father cheated on his mother before walking out on her and their other children and he always vowed never to be like this father. But actually, he’s halfway there!!

Anyway, thank you for reading. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks x

Sending you lots of hugs.

I have been through this myself. Stupidly, my ex convinced me that it was all my fault because I was fat and ugly, so he had no choice but to cheat. He said he stayed with me because he knew no other man would have me and he didn’t want me to be alone.

I eventually left him after 8 years. He moved his pregnant gf into MY house! I had left the house to get away from him. Fast forward to now, the gf had the baby, cheated on him and left him.

You are much younger than I am when I left my ex, and believe me, you deserve so much better. It may feel like there is no hope in life, but there is. Leave him, focus on yourself and make yourself happy. I found that therapy and talking to my close friends helped a lot. Initially it was hard opening up to people, but then I realised there was so much love and support for me.

He is never going to change, but you can make a happy life for yourself.

Why are they like this, it makes me sick! I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

i do find it helpful speaking to friends, they are a god send. Counselling I have also debated.

thank you for your kind words x

Many, if not most, people have been where you are. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, accept that you didn't heed the red flags, and that you don't need to punish yourself for that, and do for yourself what you would do for a friend if she was in your position.

You'll make your anxiety much worse if you keep telling yourself you've made stupid mistakes or that you shouldn't feel the way you feel. You are you, and your feelings are as natural as the hot weather and storms we've been having. All you can do is create conditions in your life that don't rile up the weather inside you.

So, do things that help. Crying is good. Exercise is good, and nibbling food, even if you can't eat meals. Minstrels are good. Netflix is good. Be lovely to yourself. Treat yourself as you'd treat someone poorly: 'Is there anything that would make you feel a little better, love?', rather than 'God you're such a fool for getting into this situation.'

You've been lied to. It hurts. Mollycoddle yourself, and allow the sadness. It'll run it's course, just like a storm, but you can't force it to go away, so sit quietly, watch and wait, and keep hugging your hurt little heart all the time until she feels better.

Such lovely words. I really appreciate that. Thank you so much, so very true 😥!! Xx

Get practical
Do you jointly own the house?

Are you going to buy him out, is he going to buy you out?

Sort out the finances and be thankful you didn't marry him or have kids with him.

He isn't the one, in fact he's never been the one, he is a cheat, he will cheat on her and your better off without him.

There is a much, much happier life out there waiting for you. Without him. With someone else.

This is the end of this relationship.
You know that it can't continue.
You will feel much better once you have drawn a line under it, moved somewhere else and had some time to grieve the loss of what you thought you had.

Sell the house, get what's yours and start afresh.

Bin him. He's a cheater that's all you need to know. Alternatively stay with a cheater have a baby,have him cheat again and kick him out. Then manage on your own with a child.

I don’t, we were both contributing to the renovation work etc, he had the money to put the deposit down. He is giving me whatever money I’ve invested into it thankfully so that’s one less stress.

Thank you for your advice

Thank you. I really hope so. Hard to see that right now but I agree with you. Thanks for your advice x

I have binned him

Hi

very confused and stressed mumma here needing some advice! Me and my partner have been together for almost 3 years, very very close and loving with each other until the past 6 months or so after our baby was born.. he’s become so cold and withdrawn (very little sex life which isn’t like us whatso ever) he always made it very clear how he felt about me, but not anymore.. At first I thought it was stress but since bringing it up to him he’s become even more cold, it’s like we’re strangers!

fast forward to Wednesday last week, he nipped to his mums after work (nothing unusual there) and our little girl got hold of his smart watch and was on his call log, I took it away from her and noticed that he’d called his ex’s works number, I was on the phone to him at the time so I asked if he’s spoken to her today and instantly the call log was deleted from the watch and he said he has no idea what I’m talking about.. something didn’t add up but I left it. Then when we went to bed he went to Google something and his browser was still open from earlier which showed his ex’s works number.. I pretended I didn’t see it. Then the next day he had logged me out of the o2 app (we have 2 phones one his and one mine on his account, we both use the app on our phones to keep an eye on our data usage etc) I thought nothing of it and carried on as usual.. then that evening i mentioned the Google search that I saw and he got up his browser to show his search history trying to prove that he didn’t Google her works number BUT again his previous browser was still open and it was how to find call logs on o2.. I didn’t leave it this time I questioned him and he said he was just looking to see if it was possible to find it on the app.. I left it at that. THEN last night he lay in bed on his phone looking confused and said he’s just got a random text from someone that said ‘hey, I heard you were off last week I hope you’re feeling better. Are you in tomorrow? Xx’ (he did leave work last Wednesday to go to a drs appointment)

He replied, sorry I don’t have your number saved who is this?
their reply, it’s (so and so) haha x
he replied, sorry I don’t know a (so and so) I think you may have the wrong number. Who do you think this is?
their reply, (so and so?) which by the way is his name..
his reply, that is my name but I’m very confused because I don’t know a (so and so) where do you work?
their reply, ok must be wrong number so sorry.

allllll evening after that he was talking about these texts and over explaining it.. saying he’ll let me know if she texts again(why would she if it’s the wrong number?) he saved the number and checked on WhatsApp to see if there was a profile picture, there was.. a woman that he “used to work with 4 years ago”

am I being paranoid or does something not add up here? I’m going crazy and I have no idea what to do. Do I forget it or do I pay attention to his behaviour and sit on it for a while?

sorry it’s a long one!

"I don’t, we were both contributing to the renovation work etc, he had the money to put the deposit down. He is giving me whatever money I’ve invested into it thankfully so that’s one less stress."

You are entitled to far more than the money you invested into the renovation work of this house you were both doing up.

Is your name on the mortgage/deeds?

Are you currently living there or is he?

If the house is to be eventually sold, you are entitled to an equal percentage of the profits as have contributed financially and with labour. I'm sure someone with more knowledge than myself on financial issues should be able to advise in more detail but if you have been living together as a couple you are due far more. How many hours do you consider you laboured on the house?

@Moomoo012 you need to start your own thread. As you aren't the OP (original poster) people may not see your post.

I have done now, thankyou. I’m new to this 🤦🏻‍♀️

I hope you're feeling okay, or as okay as you can be.

I'm just so happy that you're no longer with him. 29 is still so young. You've got out of there in plenty of time. You need to focus on yourself going forward. Find some hobbies, spend time with friends, enjoy life without him.

It's so tough as it's often difficult to see just how big those red flags are when you first start dating. It's only when you look back that you realise you missed a lot of them.

I know it's hard as well if it's your first long-term relationship. When I broke things off with my first boyfriend, who I was with since my teens, it was hard to know what to do with myself as I didn't know what life was without him. But trust me, it sounds cliche but it gets better in time. This time next year, you'll be much happier and look back on this as a blip. You haven't lost anything. You have gained yourself again.

It must be so difficult right now but in time you'll realise you are lucky to be free from him. You have your freedom from him, you can live your life without any ties to him and you can learn and chose a much better choice of a man next time.