Arguing with my partner and he brings up my deceased abuser

[Plouise]

Me and my partner had a row this evening the general gist of it was that I'm frustrated that he's refusing to consider a day job as him working nights isn't compatible with family life and I'm feeling burnt out by doing 99 percent of the night feeds. He just shuts me down.

I said his refusal to communicate makes me feel unheard and that communication is so important therefore I should be allowed to express my feelings in a reasonable way without being shut down and so should he. I also said that not being able to talk through problems is detrimental to my mental health.

He fired back by bringing up my abusive ex H who died recently. His passing stirred up alot of unresolved trauma for me which he knows about as I'm having counselling for it, tomorrow actually.

He said "yeah thats right, it's my fault you are depressed I'm an abusive bastard and I'm so much worse than that old bloke of yours who is dead.. what's his name again.. john"

The argument ended there as I refuse to go there with him. Why did he have to stoop so low and bring him up?

He doesn't sound a very nice person, OP.

Abuse comes in many forms, OP, and that includes not listening and not contributing to family life leaving one person to carry the entire mental and physical load without caring .............

He is right that he’s an abusive bastard.

He has told you.

Listen.

He sounds absolutely horrible. At the very least with a partner you want someone who is nice to you.

Awful op. So sorry you've been through this tonight.

I'm just out of my abusive marriage and I've been in therapy for 9 months. Is tomorrow your first session? I'd advise you to bring this up. Don't let it take away whatever your main focus is but absolutely mention that you are suffering with issues now as well as past trauma. It will help.

Given we're only hearing your view of the argument, it's impossible to have a balanced view.

But you have already contradicted yourself with "I should be allowed to express my feelings in a reasonable way without being shut down and so should he" and then you say "The argument ended there as I refuse to go there with him". So you shut him down because you didn't like what he said. Double standards there OP. It doesn't reflect well.

Thank you for the replies, it felt like a really low blow 🙁

I tried for the best part of half an hour to have a reasonable conversation during which he refuses to consider my POV or acknowledge any of the things I was saying. Instead of trying to talk through our problems he comes out with something spiteful about my dead abuser. Damn right I'm shutting the conversation down there. It wasn't going anywhere was it?

That isn't double standards.

He was shutting down my attempts of having an adult conversation about being parents.

I shut down a malicious comment intended to hurt me.

Two completely different things.

@Plouise I've reported the 100miles person twice tonight for goady/trollish posts, dont take their replies to heart.

I'm so sorry this has happened and I agree with the PPs that say your partner sounds horrible and abusive too, definitely talk about this with your therapist.

HundredMilesAnHour

Jeez that was a spiteful response. Who pissed on your chips?

OP you deserve a million times better than your current partner. Your ex was a horrible bastard but sadly that doesn't make your current partner a good man. You mention night feeds so you must have a small baby (congratulations) - you are dealing with a lot and I hope you can find the energy to leave.

Family life is a lot easier single without a dickhead around, than your current arrangement. I promise. I've been where you are. Xx

He sound abusive as well
Is there anything good about this relationship?

What were the lessons that you learn from your abusive Ex? You can’t make him listen, engage or not to be a total arse but you can and should decide that you deserve better.

Don’t waste more of your life on the ‘if it wasn’t for this one thing he would be perfect’ altar. This is who he is and you can’t fix him, your mh should be your priority and you should never delegate the responsibility of maintaining a health one to someone else.

Only you can break this abusive arse pattern you’ve developed.

Beware the man who kicks you when you're down. And who refuses to even consider a compromise. His priority is himself.

To win.

DARVO

Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender

It worked, didn’t it? End of argument.

In future, I would raise one eyebrow, not let him upset you and say”as we were saying…”

He is right that he’s an abusive bastard. He has told you. Listen.

This. Even if he was being sarcastic (which in itself is an ugly characteristic), a person who isn't abusive doesn't sarcastically retort that they're abusive.

It sounds like his comment was designed to hurt you.

I'm sorry but it sounds like you're in another abusive relationship.

Good luck with the counselling today. I definitely think you should bring this up in your session.

Why did he have to stoop so low and bring him up?

Because it achieved the desired outcome - stopping you.

Personally, that kind of thing would likely result in my feelings immediately switching off and never, ever coming back again, but not everybody reaches the off switch as quickly. But when it has happened, it's been quite a surprise to them that 'winning' the argument has led to having to find somewhere else to live. And the 'well, that means you'd have to do all the night feeds' isn't such a winner when the response is 'I already do them. What's the difference? Oh, apart from the fact I wouldn't be having to put up with your shit as well.'

There is no contradiction there. OP's partner did NOT express himself reasonably. He was goading, on top of his previous stonewalling.

You either have comprehension issues or you are getting a kick out of victim blaming @HundredMilesAnHour.