I'm a lesbian but in a relationship with a man and we have a child

[closetedandscared]

NC for this as particularly sensitive situation.

I'm in a relationship with a man and we have a child together. I've recently realised and come to terms with being lesbian. I've always thought I'm bisexual, but I've never been sexually attracted to a man and sex with men just feels like going through the motions for me. I have gotten through it by fantasising about sex with a woman in my head, it's the only thing that can get me off (sorry about TMI!), having thought I was bisexual I thought this was normal. But I've been actively avoiding sex with my partner for a long time now and it actually makes me feel repulsed. We also don't kiss or cuddle really, unless I'm seeking comfort if I'm upset.

I know it sounds silly as I've always been attracted to women and accepted that, so how could I be in denial of being lesbian and be in a long term relationship with a male partner and have a child together? However I was sexually abused through my teen years and until early 20s by various men and I always put the disconnect and discomfort down to trauma, and I've been told by previous male partners I'm broken and something is wrong with me.

I wouldn't describe our relationship as loveless as we do get on and spend lots of time together, he's my best friend and I genuinely feel love for him. But I now think all along this has been platonic not romantic. I also think there is an aspect of him being kind, caring, not abusive etc and me clinging onto this as I never had this before.

I just don't know how to break this to him and how to move forward, sorting out housing and splitting childcare, and not having my career impacted by childcare arrangements as I do rely on him heavily for this due to the nature of my work and having to be on call etc. I'm scared of being a single mum. Our child is 1 so no free nursery hours yet.

We don't own a house together as we rent, but we have been saving to buy and I have put some of my savings in an lifetime ISA in his name as I have been maxing out my allowance. This money is a lot to me and knowing his character I would think he would return it to me (minus the penalty), but I've also seen how many good men turn nasty in a breakup so who knows. Especially if he is hurt by this.

Has anyone had any experience of this or any advice? I feel sick to the stomach thinking and worrying about this.

You just have to tell him. He deserves to be in a relationship with someone who really loves him and wants to be with him. He’s unlikely to be happy with a sexless relationship forever and he’s probably feeling pretty rejected by no physical contact or intimacy at all, who wouldn’t. He’ll be devastated and might be angry, I think you can see that would be natural. It’s crap for him, crap for your daughter. But it’s worse to stay and live a lie and stop you both from meeting people who’ll make you happy.

You are by no means at all the first woman who gradually came to realise in a hetero relationship, a mother with children, that she was a lesbian. Or to spend years wondering if she got over x and worked hard enough on y she'd find relationships fulfilling before she knew herself well enough to be certain what she wanted. No concrete advice, just a lot of sympathy having supported a friend of mine through similar. She was very fond of her husband and didn't want to hurt him, or to break up the children's family stability, however she also knew she wasn't happy, that sex was a duty she did for her partner rather than a pleasure, and that she wanted the freedom to pursue a relationship she felt would be much happier and more fulfilling for her.

In that, it's no different to any woman realising the relationship she is in does not make her happy and she wants the freedom to look for the one she wants. In my friend's case, she built up some friendships in lesbian groups and found those very supportive, and in the end the separation from her husband was a gradual one, but that was just what worked for her in her circumstances. What will matter is what you feel may work best for you.

Is there any way at all you could get this money back first? Could you say you want to put it in premium bonds, need it to buy a car, whatever?

Re the relationship ending, I think the being a lesbian part is irrelevant. (Not to you obviously!) But relationships end. You two aren't having a sexual relationship and are more like friends, that alone would be enough of a reason to call it a day.

Don't feel you need to share this if you don't want to. Now might not be the right tme for you, and it's not relevant. Whether your next partner is a man or woman doesn't change the fact that you no longer want to be in a relationship with him.

Have you had experiences with women? Just wondered if it was something you might be able to get out of your system (if you wanted to.)

I identified as bi but I've been there and done that now and don't plan to again. But I appreciate that that mightn't be the same as your situation.

Have a listen to podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/lesbian-chronicles-coming-out-later-in-life/id1468550568
Especially the episodes with Dr Jaim.

You have to let him go for him to move on and have a happy life and you have to let him go to move on and have a happy life

I have experience of this from the other side of the relationship.

You need to talk to your partner. It will be difficult. He will be upset. In the long run, you will both be better off not being a couple.

Your partner can get in touch with Straight Partners Anonymous. He will find a lot of support and understanding there.

In my experience, the reason for the separation does matter (at least to the straight partner). You can't fight for a relationship where the partners' sexual orientations are mismatched. There is a sense of hopelessness because there's no amount of counselling or changes you can make to improve your relationship. The straight partner often feels that they have lost their future but also their memories, because the relationship was never what they thought it was.

I am sorry you are in this position. It must be very difficult and it will probably be difficult for a while. Please be kind and considerate to your partner in handling this.

I didn't have a child with my ex, but yes, this was me too. It's really not uncommon.

It seems to me there are two separate issues. One is, what might happen to the money. I know I lost out here - I'd come into the relationship with my ex much better off, and I was stupid (and felt guilty) when we split, and I ended up with much less than I should have done. I think if you possibly can, you need to get a lawyer - not to be combative, but just because they will be able to help figure out what is rightly yours. Of course you would have to take the chance that (if there's more to it than you've happened to mention here), you might also owe things you'd not thought of, to your ex.

The second issue is how you deal with this emotionally. I think it's fair to be honest. You have had significant experience of trauma, and it has really impacted your relationships, but you can't keep on with this one.

It's not helpful for people to wonder if you'd 'get it out of your system'. You don't become attracted to one gender by having a short-term fling with the other.

It's not helpful for people to wonder if you'd 'get it out of your system'.

@SarahAndQuack I was speaking from personal experience.

I don't see how that's relevant?
I get that you are bringing your own experience to the thread, as one does, but I don't see how it can be helpful to the OP, because none of us can know. If the OP were telling us she was feeling the itch and wondering if she ought to cheat on her DP with a man, I don't think many people would say 'ooh, maybe you'll get it out of your system'. Maybe I am not following you, though.

Sex isn’t necessarily going to be easier with a woman if there is trauma in the picture.
Fantasy and reality can diverge quite a lot.
And your next partner may not be as patient with your needs for abstinence as you current partner.

Thank you to those who have given helpful advice. I do think some are really misunderstanding though. I am not saying I abstain from sex because of trauma, what I am saying is I mistakenly thought that but now I have made sense of everything and realise I don't want to have sex with men because I am a lesbian. I have also had same sex experiences years ago, no it is not about getting it out of my system!

It is no wonder that comphet is a thing and women like me have suffered because of it, looking at some of the responses here.

I don't even know how to approach this conversation with my partner. I can't find the right words to tell him. Obviously I want to tell him, I just don't know how.

OP this was me about 10 years ago, but I only lived with my partner we didn’t have marriage and kids. It all came to a head one day after a petty argument about something minor and completely unrelated. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore and I felt I was living a lie.

I would constantly make excuses not to have sex and if I had to just gave him a hand job so he’d leave me alone. We could only have sex if I was drunk and we dirty talked about women. After we broke up he told me he thought I did this for his benefit 😂. I also thought I was bi because that seemed the more ‘acceptable’ option and my personal experience is that it’s easier being in a relationship with a man from a societal point of view so I just did that. The relationship was good in other way he was my best friend and it was a very supportive relationship. I totally understand.

My experience was that I just had to rip the plaster off, granted I did not have a child to worry about though. Once it all came out my life quickly got much better (and I didn’t think it was that bad before!) I’ve now been in a loving and amazing lesbian relationship for the best part of 10 years with the most beautiful woman. I thought I didn’t like sex but I want to rip her clothes off still most days. I just didn’t like sex with men. The first steps will be difficult and I imagine you’ll need support with your child. Do you have an family or close friends who can help you out while you find your feet? Your happiness in life is important too.